Need Advice, Badly.

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-12-2003
Need Advice, Badly.
11
Wed, 12-17-2003 - 3:59pm
And I just don't have an unconcerned party to give me any.

I am, suprise, suprise, considering an affair. I have know this man for 15 years. He's my best friend and my boss. I've know him through one divorce and several bad breakups. I've been married for seven years. We're not miserable but we are two very different people. I love my h, we have two children together and I don't have any plans to leave him. I just feel like something huge is missing. My h is a very unemotional, rational and somewhat repressed man. I am not. C has always been the friend I could be completely honest with and just takes me for what I am, he also has always been there for me when I am at the end of my rope. We work in a very small office and the sexual tension has become rather intense. Up until about a month ago he was dating my best female friend (I had actually set them up). I guess what it is is that I know we can't keep going on like this forever. We've come very close a couple of times. To the point where one or the other pulls back, everything cools off then it starts building again. I guess I always thought that affairs were a step on the way to something else (leaving, etc.) and now there is a whole part of me that is thinking why. Why can't I be in love with two men? Does anyone else feel this way?

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iVillage Member
Registered: 05-21-2003
Wed, 12-17-2003 - 4:18pm
Torn, I was in your position a while back. My Marriage was falling apart though. MM and me CLICKED from the day we met. I felt like it was love at first sight a few years ago. Even though we never acknowledged our feelings until recently. Once I found out his marriage was over I jumped in feet first to an A.

You have to take a long look down the road. What happens when you do fall in love with MM? Or what happens when something goes wrong? Can you still work together? What if your H finds out? What will happen to your job?



I'm in love with MM and not in love with my H. I have a little boy. My life is in such turmoil that some days I can't think straight. But I must say when me and MM are together the whole world is right!

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-12-2002
Wed, 12-17-2003 - 5:17pm
I love two men, and my OM loves two women. We could be happily married to each other, but we're already happily married. We adore our spouses. We simply were already married when we finally connected with each other (after years of working together, during which time he also became my boss). It had nothing to do with anything lacking in our marriages, and though I think that is the case most times, it isn't in either of ours. We do have a powerful physical intimacy that is different from what we have with our spouses, but we were seeing each other for months before that came about, so that was by no means the reason. It's just that one person *cannot* be everything to another person (if they were, we wouldn't need friends or other family members) - other people are bound to fill up what is lacking in any given relationship.

I would never leave my husband, because I have a commitment to him that I am thrilled to keep. OM would never leave his wife, for the same reason. OTOH, if we were free to marry, e.g. our spouses lived to ripe old age and we could marry at age 75 and live out our next 10 years together, we would.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-13-2003
Wed, 12-17-2003 - 11:53pm
Affairs are not always a step one takes on the way to divorce. You can be in love with two men. I am happily married and so is the man I am having an affair with. We have no intentions of leaving our spouses. We enjoy each other and enjoy our affair.
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-12-2003
Thu, 12-18-2003 - 12:03pm
Thank you for the advice and opinions. It is really nice to know that I'm not alone, especially in the fact that I don't not love my h, I just love another man too. Like I said, I 've know him for 15 years (I'm 28) and loved him for probably 10 of that. Not always like this but honestly I think I had to grow up first. The biggest thing that has kept me from going there is the fact that should something ever go wrong, I couldn't bear to lose him as a friend. I'm not really worried about work as we have a very unique environment going and it would probably have to shut down for either of us to leave. As for dh finding out, I'm really not sure how he would react. Yes, it could cause problems but I can't really see him confronting me or leaving the marriage because of it. Its difficult to explain but my dh is not an emotional man, about anything really. Its another strange dynamic to add in that we're ALL friends. We've even vacationed together over the years. Life is definitely strange.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-17-2003
Thu, 12-18-2003 - 12:11pm
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Edited 3/10/2004 5:07 pm ET ET by geek_chic
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Thu, 12-18-2003 - 12:41pm
hey torn, my BF, MM and his W are all friends too, and have vacationed together and socialize together frequently and it is strange sometimes! my MM just told me he wishes we could wake up together on christmas morning because until he met me, he really had little interest in celebrating christmas and his W doesn't have much christmas cheer either.

i love two men, spend quality times with both of them, have great sex with both and i deal with it just fine, thank you. and i'll keep both Rs just the way they are for as long as possible. i find that i like to juggle!

gurl

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Thu, 12-18-2003 - 12:50pm
god, i wish i had known, at 28, the outside world (and other men!) existed!! at 28, i had two kids, was going to school part-time, working part-time and had absolutely no other life - not even with H at home! no time for anything when you threw in cooking, cleaning, laundry, family obligations, kids' activities, blah, blah, blah!!

i'm envious of you ladies who take control of your lives at 28! keep on being strong and in charge!

gurl

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-17-2003
Thu, 12-18-2003 - 12:51pm
Well, hey, you're an inspiration to us!
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-12-2003
Thu, 12-18-2003 - 1:02pm
Maybe its because we're on the brink of 30 (I turn 29 next month so I'm obsessing). I'm really not sure. Actually I met OM when I was 13 but didn't get to really know him until I was about 18, he had divorced, moved back to this state and became a partner in the business. I've know dh since I was 16, we went to high school together. Sad, isn't it. You guys make me feel so much more normal.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Thu, 12-18-2003 - 1:08pm
hey torn, i knew my H from high school too. met him at 15, he was my first and only BF, married at 18 and 3 kids and 16 years later, i was completely out of love and pretty much indifferent to H. we had no other experience and no one to talk to about keeping the life and love in our M, so we divorced. i left him, took the kids and never looked back. i was 35 before i slept with a second man! and thank god for that man, as he made me realize i was a woman, not just someone's mom, that i was sexy and fun and pretty, none of which i felt in my M.

and who knows what is "normal!" we're all normal in our own way. just enjoy life, because it's too short for guilt, sadness and heartache, but those things are all a part of life too!

whew, i think i'm done now.....

gurl

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