need advice for a friend

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-13-2007
need advice for a friend
3
Thu, 12-18-2008 - 6:48am

I was on this board a while ago in regards to my ap.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-14-2008
Thu, 12-18-2008 - 9:26am

Ariana,


iVillage Member
Registered: 10-24-2008
Thu, 12-18-2008 - 11:56am

I am sorry that your friend is in such a sad set of circumstances.

Just like dealing w/ alcohol, or any addiction, you can not help someone who isn't ready to be helped. She see what's going on in her life, she just hasn't reached a point where she is strong enough to deal with it. I am sure that she is hating herself right now, because she lacks the strength to stand up for herself. She is regularly allowing someone she loves to continue cross her boundaries, things that we find acceptable behavior, and things that we find not to be acceptable behavior.

When you allow those boundaries to be crossed, and do nothing to address that person, it begins to have a very negative effect on your self esteem. You are in a sense telling yourself, and ultimately the person offending you, that you are not worthy enough to stand up for yourself. You are saying I am not worthy of fair or even good treatment, and that my feelings are not important so don't bother to take them into consideration.

Now of course no one comes out and says these words, but we all know that "Actions speak louder than words." Right? So when he comes home at 0400 in the morning and she doesn't raise a big ruckus about it, it tells him "Well, it must be OK, because she didn't even get that mad." We all have ways to justify even our most egregious misdeeds, and I can GUARANTEE that his defense is that she doesn't mind, or worse "I don't care what she wants.

Her only hope to get out of this relatively quickly would be for her friend to hold an intervention for her, just as if she was using a tangible substance. It may sound silly to some of you, But it can help in two ways at least. She can draw strength from her friends. They can come together and show her as a group exactly what this guy is doing to her. They can also give her great ideas on how to handle certain situations. They can help her in several different ways. Just having one girlfriend telling you something is OK, but to have a room full of people that care about you, tell you the same thing, can be a very powerful motivator. It will help her rediscover the old her. The one she hasn't seen in a long time. The second way that an intervention can help her is when she sees that all the people in the room love her enough to come to her rescue, it will make her feel SO good. It will send her the message that "My God I must be worthy, if all these people came her to show their support for me, I must not be the terrible person that I thought I was."

I think it's great for you to be a shoulder to cry on, but sometimes it takes more than that. Maybe an intervention would be a little over the top, I don't know. I based my post on what you have written so far. Your friend sounds very depressed, and defeated. She needs help soon, or she will likely pick up the bottle sooner or latter. Best of luck to both of you, keep us posted . We are always here if you need us.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-13-2007
Fri, 12-19-2008 - 5:11am

Thanks.