Need advice ladies. Sooooo mad!

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Need advice ladies. Sooooo mad!
6
Fri, 03-28-2003 - 5:48pm
As some of you may know, last Monday MM called and was feeling guilty and said we'd have to end this but we'd be friends. Wednesday I ask him if he wants me to leave him alone and he says no and wants to see me. Today I ask him if he wants to have lunch, he says he'll call bc he's really busy. He calls and we talk. I call back and ask what he's doing this weekend and he says "spending time with my family". So I said ok, talk to you later. I had sent him an ending it email but I deleted it since I set up his email bc he's so PC illiterate. Should I call him and end it formally and tell him off (which is what I want to do) or just wait. I'm sooooo mad and so hurt at the same time.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Fri, 03-28-2003 - 6:00pm
Hey girl. Calm down and take a few breaths. Have you tried just letting him do the contacting? Don't push things with him and act nonchalant and you may find he comes running back to you. Hooked...P>S> you have my email if you need to talk. Hugs!!!!!
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-20-2003
Sun, 03-30-2003 - 1:43pm
Not sure if you've already done something or not...but i would take a few steps back....sounds like he wants to switch gears from the physical relationship to a more friendly relationship....and you may want to get a clearly defined meaning of that so that you can see if you are up for that challenge....

But a friendly relationship is one that you will understand when life gets in the way...we don't talk to our friends every day sometimes..but we also don't get mad at them for not calling or not making time for us when other things are important in their lives...we are forgiving and understanding....and it is difficult to make that change and change our expectations....

I think you should talk to him to find out what his thoughts on the friendship relationship are and then go from there...

molly

Avatar for incognito1964
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Sun, 03-30-2003 - 2:54pm
hey luvin ... i think you should give him a little space. If he calls to talk, be there to talk with him. but under no circumstances make yourself so available that he thinks youre sitting around waiting for a friendly chat. Im not trying to tell you to play any head-games with him. I'll bet that once he has had a little time to clear his head, he'll come back to you. Why do I think that? You two probably are together for many reasons. The reasons youre together dont go away simply because one party feels guilty and call the relationship off. (well maybe in the very very early stages). You two probably have a bond that's developed over time, and that bond cannot be broken that quickly. Am i right?

Another thing ... as much as the thought of still being "friends" after an ema is disolved sounds possible, i think that realistically it is totally impossible. Have you ever thought about how painful it would be to not be in your partner's arms again? Never kiss again? Never make love to him again? Never talk to him again about very personal things and feelings? Because, if you became just friends after this, those are the things that would be missing. How can anyone go from such an intimate relationship to merely being friends? I really dont think that's possible.


I wasnt trying to get you down. I was simply thinking out loud.

I think patience and time are the words. Maybe even no contact for awhile. Easier said than done though, right?

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Sun, 03-30-2003 - 5:15pm
Well just so you know, my MM and I went to just friends for about a year and it was fine. I saw someone else and we were truly friends. However, being just friends generally doesn't work if one is constantly trying to make it something else and the other person doesn't want that. Have you ever had a male friend who wouldn't take no for an answer? Even if you really like them as a friend, at some point you start getting annoyed.

I TOTALLY agree with Molly. When I first read your post I was confused as to whether you were just friends or back in the affair. If you are now just friends, well, it sounds to me like he is making the effort to be a friend (returning the call) and also being honest about his plans. So IMHO, you should respect that, I mean what else can he do? What more do you do for your friends?

If you are in the affair, then "perhaps" he was rude in his communication, but wanting to spend time with his family is something he "should" want to do IMHO. So, I'd just drop it and let him make contact. Do you want to "end it" or are using that as a scare tactic? It sounds like he wants a different relationship with you, so if that is unacceptable or of no interest to either of you, you two "will" grow apart but why have a big fight, insults, or drama if it isn't necessary? Consider this, if he wants to commit to his marriage, would you rather he not want anything whatsoever to do with you? Or do "you" want that?

Rose

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Sun, 03-30-2003 - 5:38pm
Thank you all for your wonderful insight. We did talk later Friday after he got off work and this time we were both calmed down. He gets as emotional as me sometimes! Anyway, I told him that he is so emotional (LOL) and he said that was what the problem was/is. He said that his emotions are getting to be too much and he thinks it's not fair to me the way he goes up and down with his emotions and feelings. He has difficulty compartmentalizing. Maybe it's too difficult. I told him our R is not about sex, the R is more important whether it be friends or whatever. I asked if he thought that's what I wanted out of this R and he said no but that he doesn't feel he's being fair to me and my feelings. The part that threw me that I didn't mention is I loaned him some $$$ short term on Weds (after we became 'just friends' again) and started feeling that he used me for that when I know that's not the case. I told him that us being friends is far more important than having a physical R. I asked him if he wanted me to leave him alone and he keeps saying no over and over. He said he loves me but it's too much guilt for him to bear. I respect that and so I think I should make it easier for him and back off bc when we're around eachother he gets horny all the time and I always say no and he gets frustrated and his feelings get hurt. That's why it's only happened 7 times in a 12 month period.

Rose, have you and your MM/OM resumed your R? If I started seeing anyone else it would hurt MM. We'd still be friends but would never resume a physical EMA. He's a strong believer of not going behind someone else (other than my H).

Sorry, gotta go. H is home. Thanks again!!!
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Sun, 03-30-2003 - 7:06pm
Hi, I'm glad that things settled down. :-)

Yes, we did resume our affair and it has been a year since we started again. The break was good for both of us and we were in different places when we started again. So we have had two years of a physical relationship with a year in-between just being friends.

You know, if MM is hurt because you see someone else, so be it. YOU are hurt when he says he must spend time with his family. Please don't limit your life for MM because you must realize that he isn't doing that for you. If you two are to get together in the future it will happen, but it doesn't require you to be lonely and unhappy to make it happen. MM knew details about the guy I dated (and was intimate with) when we were apart. Did it hurt, don't know, but regardless of how infrequent he has sex with his wife, I'm sure they didn't go an entire year without doing something or him not working to make that relationship better. LOL He also knows about dates now but he knows that they are platonic. Does it hurt him that I am dating and has those "what if" feelings, don't know. But I believe that he should feel comfortable discussing "good" aspects of his relationship with his wife with me and I should be comfortable discussing other areas of my life with him. Otherwise, your relationship is in a fishbowl...it is great if that's what you want, but if you are also friends, it shouldn't be necessary at least not for me, others may feel otherwise, but that's the beauty of the board. :-)

Rose