Need advice on life after discovery
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| Sat, 11-08-2003 - 8:34am |
Three weeks ago his W snooped through his email and found some messages we had sent each other. She freaked out. They had a huge fight and I got a cryptic email from him saying that he'd write me once more to explain and then I wouldn't hear from him again. I waited a few days and then called him at work. He told me that his W was very upset about the closeness of our friendship, but that she also took some of the blame for their deteriorated M. He said that things were better now and that they agreed to work on the M on the condition that he have no more contact with me. Needless to say, I was devastated. I was losing my best friend! But at the same time I completely understood. I never wanted to impact his marriage, and I wanted him to stay with her and work things out. Sadly, I resigned to not speaking with him ever again.
Well, three days after that he called me. He said that he didn't want to disappear out of my life and that I'd still hear from him. He called the next day and repeated what he said before. We didn't speak again for over a week when I decided to call him. We had a very nice talk in which I discovered that things have not been easy for him at home. His W apparently throws our friendship up in his face. He mentioned that he's hanging in there for the sake of his kids. He said he misses me a lot, that he often picks up the phone to call but doesn't follow through for fear of being caught. He has another email account (one that his W can't access) and he told me to email him there any time. But I recently discovered that he doesn't check it, even though he knows I write him there.
So here's what I'm wondering: Has anyone here been able to maintain a friendship after being "discovered" by the W? What advice do you have on what I should expect? I still long to talk to him every day - but I know things are really tough for him right now and I'm sure he needs space. I hesitate over whether to call him or not, etc. I'd love to get some insight on what he might be dealing with, and how best to handle our frienship so as not to make his life more difficult. Or maybe this is impossible and we should give it up even though neither of us want to? I miss my friend very, very much and am very sad about all this.
Silly me - somehow I thought that NOT having a physical relationship would keep this kind of thing from happening. But I guess not. Thankfully my DH is a more secure, understanding person. He knows about the friendship (although his doesn't know how close my friend and I became) and about the W's reaction to it and has been very cool about the whole thing.
So that's it - thanks for any advice or suggestions you can give!
GB2

YOu'll probably get a variety of strategies on this question, so please read this understanding that although I may think this is THE way to go, I may be the only one who thinks this way.
If you truly, truly care about him and his personal welfare, you'll back way the hell off. I'd email that other account maybe once a month to let him know you still care and you think about him. Don't call, and don't answer when he calls for several months.
If you ask me, his wife is definitely entitled to be very shaken up by all of this. A physical affair can happen and be over with little to no emotional "damage" done. An affair of the heart is a different story, especially given that he's not happy in his marriage. You probably mean much more
Thank you again! I can't express how wonderful it is to be able to come here and get advice from folks who understand what I'm going through.
GB2