Need advice on life after discovery

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-22-2003
Need advice on life after discovery
3
Sat, 11-08-2003 - 8:34am
Hello! I usually post to the Ending Affair board, but I thought I'd post here and see if anyone here has ever been in a similar situation and can offer advice. I've been in a very close, loving friendship with a guy I met on a message board. We have tons in common and can talk about anything. In many ways he knows me better than I know myself, and I know him the same way. Before we knew it we were emailing and talking on the phone nearly every day. We acknowledged that if we had met in a different time and place, perhaps we'd have had a different kind of relationship. However, since we are both married (me fairly happily and he a bit less so) we agreed that we wouldn't have a physical relationship - that we'd just be friends. (We live 600+ miles apart, making a physical relationship pretty much impossible anyway. Probably a good thing. LOL!!!)

Three weeks ago his W snooped through his email and found some messages we had sent each other. She freaked out. They had a huge fight and I got a cryptic email from him saying that he'd write me once more to explain and then I wouldn't hear from him again. I waited a few days and then called him at work. He told me that his W was very upset about the closeness of our friendship, but that she also took some of the blame for their deteriorated M. He said that things were better now and that they agreed to work on the M on the condition that he have no more contact with me. Needless to say, I was devastated. I was losing my best friend! But at the same time I completely understood. I never wanted to impact his marriage, and I wanted him to stay with her and work things out. Sadly, I resigned to not speaking with him ever again.

Well, three days after that he called me. He said that he didn't want to disappear out of my life and that I'd still hear from him. He called the next day and repeated what he said before. We didn't speak again for over a week when I decided to call him. We had a very nice talk in which I discovered that things have not been easy for him at home. His W apparently throws our friendship up in his face. He mentioned that he's hanging in there for the sake of his kids. He said he misses me a lot, that he often picks up the phone to call but doesn't follow through for fear of being caught. He has another email account (one that his W can't access) and he told me to email him there any time. But I recently discovered that he doesn't check it, even though he knows I write him there.

So here's what I'm wondering: Has anyone here been able to maintain a friendship after being "discovered" by the W? What advice do you have on what I should expect? I still long to talk to him every day - but I know things are really tough for him right now and I'm sure he needs space. I hesitate over whether to call him or not, etc. I'd love to get some insight on what he might be dealing with, and how best to handle our frienship so as not to make his life more difficult. Or maybe this is impossible and we should give it up even though neither of us want to? I miss my friend very, very much and am very sad about all this.

Silly me - somehow I thought that NOT having a physical relationship would keep this kind of thing from happening. But I guess not. Thankfully my DH is a more secure, understanding person. He knows about the friendship (although his doesn't know how close my friend and I became) and about the W's reaction to it and has been very cool about the whole thing.

So that's it - thanks for any advice or suggestions you can give!

GB2

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-14-2003
Sat, 11-08-2003 - 2:30pm

YOu'll probably get a variety of strategies on this question, so please read this understanding that although I may think this is THE way to go, I may be the only one who thinks this way.


If you truly, truly care about him and his personal welfare, you'll back way the hell off. I'd email that other account maybe once a month to let him know you still care and you think about him. Don't call, and don't answer when he calls for several months.


If you ask me, his wife is definitely entitled to be very shaken up by all of this. A physical affair can happen and be over with little to no emotional "damage" done. An affair of the heart is a different story, especially given that he's not happy in his marriage. You probably mean much more

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-27-2003
Sat, 11-08-2003 - 3:24pm
I have been through what you have except we were physical. MM's wife caught an email he stupidly left up on his computer that he wrote to me telling me his feelings ect. She flipped and he got scared and agreed never to see me or talk to me ever again so they could rebuild. Of course I was hurt, but I understood. I sent him an email goodbye and left it at that. He took a total of one day to write me. He said he didn't want me out of his life, but also didn't want to rock the boat with W. I gave him space and he always initiates contact, even now and it's been almost 2 years. Actually a few months ago we were at a beach where they were camping (he and wifey), he insisted on showing me his new truck which was parked less than 3 ft from where his wife was sleeping! I thought it was weird that his behaviour was so protective of his marriage in the beginning deteriorated to having the OW within 3 ft of W and didnt seem to care. What a guy! I think I feel more badly for his wife than he does and I don't even know the woman. Also, this isn't one of the sleezy type of guys your mother told you to stay away from. No one would ever believe this guy would have an affair, so please don't think mine was any different than yours or any other for that matter. One thing I have realized over this time is that he isn't as wonderful as I had thought (OBVIOUSLY!) and although we still talk and meet for coffee, we are just friends, my choice. My guess with your MM is that he will come back, they always do. Just let him do the crawling and keep the upperhand. If I were you and it's just out of experience, don't have any contact with him until your feelings level out. You know this relationship can't last forever so why continue to drag yourself through it? Use this as you opportunity to put this behind you and move one. You said you have a decent relationship with H, put the effort into that. I know it's easier said than done, but when a few years pass just like in my situation, you will look back and think "God, what was I thinking!". Good Luck
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-22-2003
Mon, 11-10-2003 - 11:38am
Thank you so much for sharing your stories and your input with me! It has given me a lot to think about. And in some ways it has confirmed what I already suspected about what action would be best for me to take. However, people and situations vary, so it is helpful to get different points of view. If anyone else has anything to add I would love to hear it! (Or, actually, I guess that would be READ it. LOL!!!)

Thank you again! I can't express how wonderful it is to be able to come here and get advice from folks who understand what I'm going through.

GB2