need advice please

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-17-2010
need advice please
3
Tue, 07-20-2010 - 9:55am

I am MW in my 40's who been in A with MM for just obver 2 months now.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-29-2010
In reply to: new2a1
Tue, 07-20-2010 - 10:41am

Hi New, welcome to MAS!

I wouldn't say that he doesn't want this anymore, or that you won't hear from him again. Chances are that you will hear from him again - when HE wants to see you. But he's setting up a pattern here. He started out putting out an effort to attract you to him. Face it, if he acted the way he's acting now, he wouldn't have gotten anywhere in that direction. But he put out the effort, and now he thinks that you're somewhat hooked and he can treat you any way he likes, and you will always be there waiting for him. It's up to you to put an end to this. When he contacts you again (and he will), I would lay out how I wanted to be treated, and give him the cold shoulder for a very long time. If it's not worth the effort to him to "win" you back, then the R isn't really worth it, is it? It will only make you feel terrible and chip away at your confidence and self esteem. If he does put out the effort and "wins" you back, only to act the same way again when he thinks he's really "got" you now, I would seriously think about ending it for good.

If the A is to make your life better, then it isn't worth it if it makes you feel bad!

If I'm wrong and he really does mean to end it, I wouldn't worry about having to hear it from him. Silence speaks volumes - listen to it and know what it means and accept that. It won't hurt any less if he says the words. (((Hugs))) for any pain you are going through! Hope to see you posting here, new2a1.

Proud to be a





You've got a lot of choices. If getting out of bed in the morning is a chore and you're not smiling on a regular basis, try another choice. ~Steven D. Woodhull

Proud to be a





You've

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-17-2010
In reply to: new2a1
Tue, 07-20-2010 - 11:32am

Thanks for the prompt reply CL, I understand what you're implying, and it makes sense.

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-03-2009
In reply to: new2a1
Tue, 07-20-2010 - 2:23pm

mm here in an A.

From a male perspective, I believe he has moved on but is too polite to hurt you by telling you he has moved on. It takes much more courage to end an A, or any R, than to start and pursue one. If you write some of what you posted here to him and ask him to be direct, he may reply. And while you are at it, if you tell him that you are actually the one wanting to leave, that may make it easier for him to "agree" with your decision, instead of him being the one to end it. Either way, I believe he's already moved on, so you have nothing to lose. But, by initiating a communication where you tell him you want to leave him, and gaging his response, you may get the answers you seek.

In your shoes, I would actually just let the whole thing drop and move on. I believe there is nothing to gain by any further communication with him. Naturally, this is very difficult to do, but IMO, the healthiest choice for you.

Also, if you haven't done so, feel free to visit the EAS (ending an affair support) board. There, you will find many in your situation, though there are enough as it is on our board.

Mostly men, rarely women, will not have the courage to be honest after an A gets to a point where a decision of ending things needs to be made. Just the nature of this, I suppose. Women are much stronger and honest about these issues.

One more behavior is that, a man may leave things "up in the air" while seeking another partner, just in case he may not find someone right away and may want to get together one, or more, times just because you are "available".

Are men pigs? Some are. You should therefore put your intuition to overdrive to see where he stands.

Best of luck and do keep on posting.