need advice please!

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-16-2004
need advice please!
2
Tue, 04-20-2004 - 5:42pm
Well, After I told H about kissing someone else, all he seems to want is to make it better. It would be so easy to give up on saying I want to go figure myself out and just go back, but I am afraid. If I go back, I will never get the chance to go, but if I go, I am not sure I can ever go back. Even if I go back, I dont know if our M will ever be the same. I know that there are things in our M that I was unhappy with, but when do I decide to just put up with them? I am not sure how the other guy will work out, since he is concerned about being with someone else's wife. How do you make the step to be all alone? And I wouldn't leave H for anybody but myself, but I don't know how to figure out what I want. I think that if I go back to M, it will be until I feel like I am bored again and have a feeling this will happen again. On the other hand, I am not sure I want to let H go completely. Help, please.
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-05-2004
Tue, 04-20-2004 - 6:02pm
trwork,

I so feel your pain because I am in the exact same predicament. I am absolutely torn between giving up my very secure married life with a man who adores me or venturing out on my own. I am completely ambivalent and do not know the right answer. I care very deeply for my H, but I have not been in love with him for about three years. Without the feelings of love and passion, I have discovered that perhaps our differences--things I was blinded to by love--are to strong to make our M satisfying for both of us.

I have started seeing a therapist to try to come to terms with my feelings, and whether it is truly better for me to stay or go. But every day I feel a little different...some days the idea of giving up the life I have known for nine years is overwhelming, other days, I can't imagine staying. It is as if I am waiting for the answer to smack me in the face...but I know it won't. And, like you, I am trying SO HARD not to base my decision on my feelings for OM. I have no guarantee that he will be there. So the choice is ultimately between a life married to my H or a life on my own.

How long have you been married to your H? How long have you been in the EMA? Are you getting counseling? I wish I had advice for you, but I can only offer you my sympathy. There is a "right" decision for both of us--and yet no decision will be entirely "right" or "wrong." In the meantime, this is an awful place to be. Good luck to you!!

Tropics

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-07-2004
Tue, 04-20-2004 - 6:09pm
Although you have doubts right now, it seems that you may want to take a bit more time to think things through. When I first realized that I may not be in the right place within my own M, all I focused on was leaving. It's definitely easier said than done but if you take your time, then you may not have as many doubts as you do now.

I don't know if I am much help but take the time to know what it is that you want and where you picture yourself in the future.

Good luck:-)