Need the benefit of your experience, pls

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-22-2008
Need the benefit of your experience, pls
26
Fri, 10-03-2008 - 5:55pm

I have been involved with my AP for about 6 months now.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 12-04-2007
Fri, 10-03-2008 - 6:27pm

I wanna:


Here's my answers to your questions.


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iVillage Member
Registered: 04-03-2007
Fri, 10-03-2008 - 9:32pm


Are you married? Is he? Are you both? Just curious. My AP and I have been together for 2 full years, going into the third year. It's been a learning experience and a painful one at that. Many rollercoasters of emotion. We are on an up swing now. Everything is peachy keen. Well, kinda, but I'm not gonna hijack your post. Here I my answers and views for you. I hope you are able to get something from this.

1. Is your AP available to you...for at least texts and phone calls...when you need him or her to be or do they control most of the contact - the when, where and how?

He is available via IM and e-mail during the work day. Text very rarely and phone, never. We have only spoken on the phone once and it was for about 30 seconds. He USED to control the contact. Then I grew a backbone in the A(I have one everywhere else, why not here too?). I decided to take break from e-mailing, getting on IM, and after a while, generally 2-3 weeks, he would finally break down and contact me. I was tired of initiating and tired of him not responding within a reasonable time frame. So I took control. Now we give and take alot. But this all has come with time....

2. When and where do you find private time with your AP? And how often are you able to sneak away alone together?

We live about two hours away, so sometimes it's every other month or it's 4 months. It's hard with the distance, but we find ways to make it work the best that we can.

3. Does your AP communicate with you openly, about his thoughts, feelings, plans, his own marriage and family? Does he let you know how he spends his time when you aren't together? Or is he secretive about his "real" life?

We are very open about these things. I only have one beef. He is a HUGE flirt and jsut love women. I know he makes attempts at having EA's with other women, but I just let it be. I know he loves me and the nature of the A is that we are cake eating. I hate it, it hurts like an SOB, but it's one of the things I am willing to deal with to be with him. You have to remember that this is not your typical relationship and all the norms go out the window. You decide what is OK and what is not OK. If you don't he will.

4. Has your AP ever given you any gifts or taken you out for a meal or gone on vacation with you, even if for only a night?
We have never spent all night together. It's one of my biggest desires! I gave him a book, he has never given me a gift. It's SO much easier that way. We went to dinner together once. But these things are too risky to be honest, so that's why we limit them. we value our time together!

5. When you do get private time with your AP, how long on average does it last? Is it mainly for sex or do you also talk, cuddle, etc?

Oh, we talk, we cuddle, we do the deed, we laugh, we share. We have a very deep emotional bond and it jsut keeps growing stronger. Right this moment, we are closer than we have ever been. We are lovey dovey and it's awesome. But it's taken this long..... Usually we are together for about 4-6 hours. It's short and hard to leave but it's the crumbs I crave:-(

6. Has your AP told you he/she loves you?

Yes, this took us a while. We knew we loved each other but verbalizing it was another story. Not everyone can take that step. We have and it's made us closer and stronger. But we also have a history. We have known each other for 16 years and he was my first love.

7. Lastly, where on his or her list of priorities in their life do you fall? Obviously, most of us are beneath children and spouses. But what about interests and activities? Money? Status?

You know, I would say I am low on the priority list but as high as he is ABLE to put me, if that makes sense. Obviously, his family and work come first. But he is always there for me when I need him. I only wish that he would initiate "meetings" more often. But, he is a spontaneous person and I am an organized, control freak planner, so it will most likely usually be me.

Here are some words that I have to offer you. That sick feeling that you have, sometimes it goes away and sometimes it rears it's ugly head when you least expect it. If you can, get out now. I especially say this given you work together. The longer you stay, the more difficult it becomes at work. If you really don't want this, go to the EAS board. Those ladies are wonderful and offer amazing words of wisdom. Especially "withclarity". She is honest, to the point and still compassionate. She offers much great advice. I just wasn't ready to end mine at the time.

I hope this helps you!
HUGS to you! We know all too well how difficult it is......

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-19-2008
Fri, 10-03-2008 - 9:45pm

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iVillage Member
Registered: 09-30-2008
Fri, 10-03-2008 - 11:23pm



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iVillage Member
Registered: 10-03-2008
Fri, 10-03-2008 - 11:25pm

Okay, this will be easy. First, you said you're not happy. YOU'RE NOT HAPPY.

And you don't know what you should expect from an EA; you should expect GREAT FUN, because that's why you got into it in the first place.

You're not getting what you want, so GET OUT. It's that simple. You are trading high risk for low reward. That's not what it's about.

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-17-2008
Fri, 10-03-2008 - 11:45pm

I will answer your questions, but, it probably isn't fair, because we really have an unusual A. I wish everybody could have the kind of relationship we have.


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iVillage Member
Registered: 02-09-2008
Sat, 10-04-2008 - 12:32am

The point of an A is to get something you are missing and to have fun. If you're not enjoying it, not having fun (enough to outweigh the painful lows that we all experience) then it's time to consider jumping off the ride.

I'm not going to answer your questions specifically, as they would give more detail than I am willing to put on a public board, but my AP contacts me by IM whenever it is safe for him to do so. I'm not always happy about it, but limited contact doesn't put our A at risk and I am prepared to miss a little contact in order to stay in my A with AP. Sometimes this is harder than others, but it is what it is. That also applies to our meetings which are not regular. Sometimes we don't have much contact and barely see each other for weeks, other times it's been more. We don't have IC, but are very close emotionally. We obht feel very deeply connected to each other.

I love AP and have told him so. He has said he's not in love with me yet, but I think he's denying his feelings on that. I know he cares for me deeply. His priority is always his children first, then his work. Next on his list, I believe is me. He gives me all the time he can and do so safely.

Pisces

pisces
pisces
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-06-2008
Sat, 10-04-2008 - 1:43am

Wow! That's quite a list of questions that you have. I think more than any one answer that is important, it's really more important that your AP is satisfying you. Your AP sounds pretty selfish, as I think most men are, or people in general for that matter.

I am single w/ a MM. We use to both be married, and both left our spouses for each other, but due to retardism on my part, AP went back. I found out a week later that I was pregnant by him. To further complicate things AP had a vasectomy 5 yrs prior, so he's looking at me like "D*mn you cheated on me!" Talk about complicated. Anyway good news prevails. We have been back together for a year, our son, Seth just turned 6, and AP is leaving AGAIN this month!

I have to admit that it has been a very difficult road. His wife doesn't love him, and they are in a sexless marriage, so she really doesn't care what he does as long as he pays the mortgage, but there was still a lot of the A drama. Constant guessing what this means or why he said that. It's enough to drive you to drink. But I think that it's important as w/ any relationship there is consideration, and understanding of each other. Unfortunately, like you my AP calls most of the shots.

We do go out to dinner sometimes, but it seems like we don't really see enough of each other, so when we do, I just want to be intimate, and we have to be careful what our son sees, because he may repeat what he see, before AP leaves, and I don't want to hurt her again. She excepted my son, and treats him very well. She buys him school clothes, shoes, really anything that he needs, so I have to respect her for that. After AP leaves we will tell our son that we are together, we don't want to confuse him. He already asks me all time why I don't have a boyfriend or get married, and I just tell him because I still love your dad.

I wonder why, and it seems like I am not alone on this, but I wonder why in an A we worry so much more about what he's thinking, or why he said this or that. Is it just sex? I mean the list goes on for days. It's like every action in this A is going to make or break us, at least to me. Obviously it doesn't affect AP that much, or he hides it well. I never cared this much about what the other person was thinking or doing. It was always just, whatever. Not now.

I don't really know what else to say except hold on because you're in for the ride of your life! Good Luck.

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-22-2008
Sat, 10-04-2008 - 12:13pm

Thank you, everyone, for your incredibly open responses to me.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-2007
Sat, 10-04-2008 - 10:02pm

Ummm - ok - so you used to post under a different name - right??

lightning in my heart

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