Need the benefit of your experience, pls

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-22-2008
Need the benefit of your experience, pls
26
Fri, 10-03-2008 - 5:55pm

I have been involved with my AP for about 6 months now.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-2007
Sat, 10-04-2008 - 10:16pm

Hi there -


In the interest of full disclosure - my AP/BF and I have been living together for over a year now - but your list of questions is an interesting one - and I will answer them based on how we were when we were still deep in A-land.


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lightning in my heart

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-03-2008
Sun, 10-05-2008 - 1:42pm

hi i am new to this type of thing as well, i'm a newbie to this board.

"be who you are and say what you feel, because those who mind don't matter and those who matter don't mind"---Dr. Seuss

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-31-2008
Sun, 10-05-2008 - 9:01pm

1. Is your AP available to you...for at least texts and phone calls...when you need him or her to be or do they control most of the contact - the when, where and how?
He is very available..texts and calls every day, and we see each other at work.

2. When and where do you find private time with your AP? And how often are you able to sneak away alone together?
At least once or twice a week. Our schedule at work is unpredictable, but we try to do what we can.

3. Does your AP communicate with you openly, about his thoughts, feelings, plans, his own marriage and family? Does he let you know how he spends his time when you aren't together? Or is he secretive about his "real" life?
I don't know much about his marriage...and don't really want to know. We talk about feeling, thoughts, plans and kids.

4. Has your AP ever given you any gifts or taken you out for a meal or gone on vacation with you, even if for only a night?
No gifts (which is kinda funny, he is a rich man), but we go out a lot.

5. When you do get private time with your AP, how long on average does it last? Is it mainly for sex or do you also talk, cuddle, etc?
Talk, laugh, cuddle, lately have sex (just turned PA)

6. Has your AP told you he/she loves you?
Yes, many times.

7. Lastly, where on his or her list of priorities in their life do you fall? Obviously, most of us are beneath children and spouses. But what about interests and activities? Money? Status?
I'm not sure. Sometimes he makes me feel like I am the most important person in his life. Sometimes he won't call back, and you know how we all feel at times, all anxiety is back. Not sure about wife, but he is very fond of his kids, and I can't hold it against him - no man will be more important to me then my child either.

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-17-2008
Sun, 10-05-2008 - 9:19pm

Yup, it's me, I just had to take a break, and then had to change my name. I've been meaning to post my new name

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-2007
Sun, 10-05-2008 - 9:33pm

LOL - Hi hon -


OK good - I thought that was you - I was thinking - wow if there is another person with that story - how amazing would that be?

lightning in my heart

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-28-2008
Mon, 10-06-2008 - 10:08am

1.

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-10-2006
Mon, 10-06-2008 - 3:41pm
Except for this month, AP had always been pretty available for me. It's easier for him because he's S.He's been NC for 12 days after telling me it sounded like we should stay away from each other for awhile. Anyway.......on to question#2
we had all kinds of opps to be together. At a vacation condo H and I owned, at his house, on trips as long as 10 days.....weekends away....day trips....and ,for 18 months, at a place I rented.We spent almost every weekend he or I weren't working ,together, and most of his days off. Also spent up to 10-12 hours a day emailing, texted and called occasionally, and when he had surgery and after that, I went to his house to take care of him.
#3-yes, he was open about things ---at least, up until the last 12 days.
#4-yes, he has given me gifts, taken me out to eat,cooked for me and together, gone on trips. We pay 1/2 .He tends to buy me practical things ; the last was a printer/scanner/copier/fax machine a few months ago.He makes me cd's and gets me info that he thinks I'd find useful. Bought me a statue of 2 lovers for my b-day last year, which is not like him.
#5- when we are alone, we go hiking, taking photos, shop, lots of things. it's not just about sex...in fact, most of the times we don't have sex.
#6-he has said he loves me in messages but not out loud. and not often. we have known each other for most of our lives, and signed all of our cards and letters with "love", and our names, up until about 6 years ago when the PA started.
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-10-2006
Mon, 10-06-2008 - 3:44pm
Cont'd.......
#7-where am i on his list of priorities? good question! somewhere below work,that's for certain. although he likes to get his projects done so he can concentrate on enjoying himself when he is free and we decide to do something together.
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-29-2008
Thu, 10-09-2008 - 11:00am

Interesting thread so I wanted to respond. I have been involved with my boss for 10 plus years.

1. Is your AP available to you...for at least texts and phone calls...when you need him or her to be or do they control most of the contact - the when, where and how? In the beginning we only saw each other at work then I started the cell calls & texts in the evenings and weekends. Slowly over the years it got better. Now we both text each other whenever we want. We both guard our phones when at home. When we want to talk we will send the message "can you call" the other responds with yes or no or a time frame on when to call.

2. When and where do you find private time with your AP? And how often are you able to sneak away alone together? We work together and spend almost every lunch together either by going to the gym, running, or going out to eat. We get together for sex once or twice a week after work.

3. Does your AP communicate with you openly, about his thoughts, feelings, plans, his own marriage and family? Does he let you know how he spends his time when you aren't together? Or is he secretive about his "real" life? We started out as an EA and shared just about everything. I know about his family and he mine. I pretty much know where and what he doing all the time. We don't hide anything.

4. Has your AP ever given you any gifts or taken you out for a meal or gone on vacation with you, even if for only a night? We exchange small inexpensive gifts like candy, cd's desk calendars, cards, etc. We eat lunch together a lot. never spent the whole night together or gone on vacation.

5. When you do get private time with your AP, how long on average does it last? Is it mainly for sex or do you also talk, cuddle, etc? We get a few hours a week alone. It involves all of that. Sometimes we have a drink or 2 and just talk or if we have the time and no one is around we will have sex.

6. Has your AP told you he/she loves you? Yes all the time...It took him years to finally say it.

7. Lastly, where on his or her list of priorities in their life do you fall? Obviously, most of us are beneath children and spouses. But what about interests and activities? Money? Status? I always joke with him that I am at the bottom of his list and he claims I am about 3rd. I think the order is about like this...kids, wife, work, money, friends, sports, then me. Sometimes I am his priority. I had always put him first and I made myself miserable by doing that. Now my family and friends come before he does.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-17-2003
Thu, 10-09-2008 - 2:10pm

Hi iwanna,


These are some great questions...they've actually helped me put my situation back into perspective (for the most part). I don't think any of us are sure of how it's supposed to go...I'm separated with a MM and we've been together for over a year now, I love him very much and I'm pretty sure he feels the same, yet he is still in his M. And yes, sometimes I am still very insecure and I do have expectations of him (only because he has been absolutely amazing to me at times). Then he does stuff that makes me feel like just a booty call...I am generally able to tell him how that makes me feel and for the next while he will send me texts that say "XXXOOO" and I believe that's his way of admitting he was wrong and apologizing if he's made me feel like crap!


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