Need to end it

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-14-2007
Need to end it
26
Fri, 11-27-2009 - 6:53am

I'm so mad and hurt today. I'm about 99% sure my BF/AP is lying about flying home to visit his family over Thanksgiving. Lying because he's at home with his FWB/whatever she is.

Why do I think he's lying?: First, I was debating whether I should go home for the holidays and he was very encouraging of that. Next, was the wishy-washy-ness of him even going home. Then, there is him telling me he's leaving at a certain time/date. Two days later he tells me he's leaving a different date. I question that and he claims he called to have his ticket changed. I don't think so. I didn't see any e-mail confirmation in his account of a booked flight, which seems very odd. Next, I was looking at his phone bills and there have been no calls to his family in the last week, which seems odd before you go on a trip. Personally, I'd call at least once to assure them everything was a go/let them know I was on the way/let them know I had arrived...especially if I had to change my flights! Then, there was the hour long phone call to his mom today. That makes no sense if he is already there spending the day with her.

He told me before he "left" that he was going to call me Thanksgiving day. He didn't call. Instead I get a couple of somewhat cold texts (no pet names, nothing sweet). Then tonite, I ask if he will call me. It takes him 20 minutes to reply to that text (long time when we had just been exchanging a few right in a row). Guessing he had to come up with an excuse. He said he would TRY to call me, but his phone was almost dead. He finally texts me again 3 hours after that telling me he's going to bed because he has to get up early. Yeah, ok. I try calling him right back and his phone is off/goes directly to voice mail. I'm guessing that was no accident. He knew I was going to try to call and probably couldn't talk because he's with the FWB, live in girlfriend, whatever the hell.

Also, Thursday is this girls day off. There is always some excuse he can't do something on Thursday nites. He doesn't know I've figured this out, but there's definitely a pattern that has evolved.

I am so mad! I don't have any further "proof" of if he went or not, but what evidence I have or lack thereof, pretty much says to me he's not visiting his family like he claimed. I can't wait to hear what he says when I ask him questions about his trip. Also, his sister is coming out here in 2 weeks. He told me prior to this that he wants me to meet her. Guessing that will be interesting because if I meet her and god forbid she says something about him not visiting in months/years, or I mention something about them having a good visit recently...the cat is out of the bag. M.F'er!

I really need to end this, but its so hard. So hard. I have had him as part of my life for over a year and its a big change. Change is scary, but I'm sure will be for the better. I remember when I was in the process of separating/divorcing my H after being together 10 years...that was painful too even though I resented him and more. I had found that comfort that comes with certainty, even if that certainty sucked. Ha.

This guy could be totally amazing if not for the double life he is leading. I need to face the fact that I'm not good enough for him and there likely isn't any ONE female out there that will be. It will probably always be this 2 at a time crap. He admitted to me long ago that he cheated on his wife (he's been D 9 years or so). That should have probably told me something, but I tried giving the benefit of the doubt and hoped that the idea that people can change applied.

I should be mad as all hell right now and just leave him at the airport tomorrow, looking to find his own way home. (Yes, he actually asked me to pick him up from the airport, but said he would be waiting outside for me in the "passenger pickup" area. I'm sure that is because his FWB will be dropping him off there, not because he's actually flying in). Instead of being that mad/spiteful I'm just feeling more sad than anything. I hope the anger phase sets back in hardcore, so I can just be mad and not sad and end it and move on.

I don't know what to do/how to end it. Someone replied to caribu who is dealing with a similar crappy situation right now, that she owes the guy no explanation and should just end it. That's tempting, but just not how I generally operate (maybe it should be). Maybe it would be better to tell him I don't trust him and for that reason alone, its over. Maybe I should say we need to take a break and can be friends (the sex is really, really good...lol). Maybe I want to be really awful and let the FWB in on things (if she isn't already suspicious/aware) and show up at their place returning a box of his stuff when she is home/he is not. Maybe I should pull the "where is this going?" card and tell him I can't wait anymore for him to get his life together and I need to date other people. Maybe, maybe, maybe. *sigh*

I seriously just want to sit here and cry tonite, but I'm trying not to let myself have a total pity party. I keep thinking about ending it, and then that feeling the next morning when you wake up after a nite of drinking and/or crying your eyes out. That feeling/day is absolutely the worst. I need to move on because he likely is never going to be available. How do I let go?




Edited 11/27/2009 6:57 am ET by torn_apart_goddess
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-14-2007
Sat, 11-28-2009 - 9:44pm

Hi Ilost,

I'm so sorry to hear yet another person is dealing with a similarly awful situation. Everything you said I know is correct. If I try to lay out the lies/confront him there is going to be excuse after excuse, one denial after another. And you are right, by the end I will be scratching my head or forgiving him. Yes, all because we WANT to believe them. I lived that hell with my exH for at least 4 years....always wanting to believe what he was telling me was true. It never was...he was always up to no good. I was never wrong about that. They just seem to have a way to explain everything or in my exH's case after the "explanations" were getting questioned by me, he made me think I was crazy...hearing/seeing things and just all around nuts. I ended up on anti-depressants and Xanax just to function. And to this day as a result of that I constantly second guess myself and things I see.

I'm sure I never will meet his sister when she comes here. I'm sure there will be one excuse after another. "She's tired/going to bed early" "She's visiting with " and all the other lies you mentioned.

I went thru his phone again tonite and saw a text to a buddy of his Wednesday evening telling him to come over at 4 the next day for dinner...and gave his friend his home address. So no doubt he was at home and not visiting his family. I know where he was now for sure. Not that this matters really, but Thursday after he turned his phone off I texted him and asked that he call me in the morning so we can confirm flight details/pick up arrangements. He called me at 11 AM and said that his mom sent him to the store to pick up something. Hm.....well if his flight supposedly departs at 12:30-ish (based on his supposed arrival time in town), then why the hell would he be at the store at 11? Shouldn't you be AT the airport...especially on a holiday when there's a good chance its going to take longer than usual to get thru security?

Are you still with your AP/BF now? Have you broken it off with him or tried to? What makes YOU keep going on with it (if you are still together)? I'm just curious as to other people's reasons, too.

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-14-2007
Sat, 11-28-2009 - 10:00pm

Well, at this point I don't really plan to tell her everything. Nor, do I plan to contact her as me. I want to contact her anonymously via e-mail. I really want to know what her status is with him. I suppose I could just call her and ask, but again that would mean I have to be 100% prepared and sure I'm ready to end it with him.

Right now I find myself so resentful toward him and I'm keeping it bottled up. This Thanksgiving day stunt of his just disgusts me. If he "had" (wanted to) to spend the holiday with her, he could have at least made up a different lie. Just told me he was having dinner with a buddy. I would have been fine alone or going to one of my friends' houses (like I did end up doing). Instead, he lied, then "gets back" and I ask him how it was and he even went as far as telling me cute things his nieces/nephews did, how big they had gotten, about spending time with his brother-in-law, etc. Such bulls**it!

I'm sitting here with a blank e-mail addressed to her, not knowing what to write. I really don't want to hurt her feelings or say something mean because I'm guessing she's basically an innocent victim of his lies too. I've thought about writing and just politely asking if she is still *****'s girlfriend. I've thought about writing the guy's name as the subject line and then stating "if you want to know where he is or her name, write back". Or writing his name as the subject and then inserting the lyrics to a telling song like Hinder's "Lips of an Angel" in the text, followed by "If you want to know more, write back"

The ideas as swirling. I want to know, but don't want to hurt her. I also don't know if she'd say something to him about the message. If she does, I have my butt covered on that. I'll be sending myself the same message to make it look like someone is trying to infiltrate the situation in general and expose me and her to eachother. He's also not very computer savvy and wouldn't know how to trace it back, additionally, I know of ways to prevent a trace, even if he did know how.

It'd be easy to create a run-in with her. I'm out with him all weekend and am often in contact with many people he knows/works with. I'm sure some of them know her or know of her, so for all he knows it could be one of those people telling or passing along info.

So at this point, I'm definitely wanting to write her. I'm just so stuck as to what to say. I'm not wanting to tell her who I am or tell her details about me and the guy because that would be a giveaway as to who is writing. Any of the above ideas sound feasible?

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-22-2009
Sat, 11-28-2009 - 10:04pm

Hi Torn,


Another thing we have in common! Well, two things in common.

NC since Dec. 9th 2009

No Contact = No N

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-22-2009
Sat, 11-28-2009 - 10:10pm

Your plan on contacting her seems bullet proof, but, I still think he'd be on to you.

NC since Dec. 9th 2009

No Contact = No N

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-14-2007
Sat, 11-28-2009 - 10:18pm

lost,

You said you were dating for a while. How did you work that out? Was that something that you and AP had agreed to earlier on in your relationship? Or was it more something you decided you needed to do because of AP's unavailability?

This is something I'm thinking is another possibility. I go back to dating until he wakes up (IF he wakes up) and at that point, if he doesn't I'd already be well upon my way to moving on from him. And, if I do find a nice man that I think I could be serious with in the future, I'd 100% break things off with current BF/AP.

I'm just curious how that worked with you and how the discussion may have gone down.

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-14-2007
Sat, 11-28-2009 - 10:24pm

If she does say something to him about the message, which is a good possibility, I think I would be fine/off the hook as a major suspect. First, he thinks I don't even know her name. He has never even once referred to her by her first name, none the less her full name. If I don't know her name, how could I possibly know her e-mail? Ha.

Second, I think by sending a duplicate e-mail to myself that if he did say something about an e-mail I could open my mail and show him the eyebrow raising message I received as well from an anonymous person.

If she does find out, I don't care. If she wants to watch him more or whatever, that is up to her/their problem. I don't expect her to leave him. This isn't an attempt for me to ruin things (whatever they are) with them or to "win" him away from her. If he wants to be with me, he will. I just want her to be on the lookout. And also want to find out, from her, what her relationship is with him...roommate, FWB, girlfriend, wife (99.9% sure she is not the latter).

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-22-2009
Sat, 11-28-2009 - 10:47pm

Well, I didn't tell AP I am dating... I just do what I want because I am single.

NC since Dec. 9th 2009

No Contact = No N

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-22-2009
Sat, 11-28-2009 - 10:58pm

Nevermind.

NC since Dec. 9th 2009

No Contact = No N

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-14-2007
Sat, 11-28-2009 - 11:09pm

Hm, I see. In my situation, I'm not really single. AP asked me to be his GF months ago and I agreed. When we had that talk we decided it was going to be exclusive and we weren't looking/dating other people.

So, in my case, for me to decide I'm going to date other people, I feel like I'd be dishonest toward him. (But, he's being dishonest to me). I don't think two wrongs make a right. I feel like I'd be cheating in a way, even if I didn't sleep with another person.

If I do date other people, I want him to know that's something I may do/have the option to do. Not that I'd go around having sex with every guy I'd meet. I'd just like to leave my options open to meeting someone else I really like because it seems he can't decide if he really wants me or not. I already decided if I do that, I will not discuss the men or the fact that I was even on a date. If he asks what I was up to I'd be vague and tell him I went out for a drink with a friend, or to a movie, whatever....not name names or say if the person was even male or female...he could assume what he likes.

I don't think it's fair for me to sit here waiting and waiting for him to decide what he wants with me. I sit and wait for him and he does what he wants with FWB...doesn't seem right to me.

ADD: As to how I got her info...it's kind of a long story involving a lot of internet detective work. I got very good at finding sources and ways to look things up online. There are sites like intelius.com that helped and then in the county I live in there are tons of public records available for free online. I got her phone number from going thru his phone, but don't ever plan on using that.




Edited 11/28/2009 11:12 pm ET by torn_apart_goddess
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-22-2009
Sat, 11-28-2009 - 11:38pm

I see where you're coming from because last year that is how I thought too.

NC since Dec. 9th 2009

No Contact = No N