Need to end it
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| Fri, 11-27-2009 - 6:53am |
I'm so mad and hurt today. I'm about 99% sure my BF/AP is lying about flying home to visit his family over Thanksgiving. Lying because he's at home with his FWB/whatever she is.
Why do I think he's lying?: First, I was debating whether I should go home for the holidays and he was very encouraging of that. Next, was the wishy-washy-ness of him even going home. Then, there is him telling me he's leaving at a certain time/date. Two days later he tells me he's leaving a different date. I question that and he claims he called to have his ticket changed. I don't think so. I didn't see any e-mail confirmation in his account of a booked flight, which seems very odd. Next, I was looking at his phone bills and there have been no calls to his family in the last week, which seems odd before you go on a trip. Personally, I'd call at least once to assure them everything was a go/let them know I was on the way/let them know I had arrived...especially if I had to change my flights! Then, there was the hour long phone call to his mom today. That makes no sense if he is already there spending the day with her.
He told me before he "left" that he was going to call me Thanksgiving day. He didn't call. Instead I get a couple of somewhat cold texts (no pet names, nothing sweet). Then tonite, I ask if he will call me. It takes him 20 minutes to reply to that text (long time when we had just been exchanging a few right in a row). Guessing he had to come up with an excuse. He said he would TRY to call me, but his phone was almost dead. He finally texts me again 3 hours after that telling me he's going to bed because he has to get up early. Yeah, ok. I try calling him right back and his phone is off/goes directly to voice mail. I'm guessing that was no accident. He knew I was going to try to call and probably couldn't talk because he's with the FWB, live in girlfriend, whatever the hell.
Also, Thursday is this girls day off. There is always some excuse he can't do something on Thursday nites. He doesn't know I've figured this out, but there's definitely a pattern that has evolved.
I am so mad! I don't have any further "proof" of if he went or not, but what evidence I have or lack thereof, pretty much says to me he's not visiting his family like he claimed. I can't wait to hear what he says when I ask him questions about his trip. Also, his sister is coming out here in 2 weeks. He told me prior to this that he wants me to meet her. Guessing that will be interesting because if I meet her and god forbid she says something about him not visiting in months/years, or I mention something about them having a good visit recently...the cat is out of the bag. M.F'er!
I really need to end this, but its so hard. So hard. I have had him as part of my life for over a year and its a big change. Change is scary, but I'm sure will be for the better. I remember when I was in the process of separating/divorcing my H after being together 10 years...that was painful too even though I resented him and more. I had found that comfort that comes with certainty, even if that certainty sucked. Ha.
This guy could be totally amazing if not for the double life he is leading. I need to face the fact that I'm not good enough for him and there likely isn't any ONE female out there that will be. It will probably always be this 2 at a time crap. He admitted to me long ago that he cheated on his wife (he's been D 9 years or so). That should have probably told me something, but I tried giving the benefit of the doubt and hoped that the idea that people can change applied.
I should be mad as all hell right now and just leave him at the airport tomorrow, looking to find his own way home. (Yes, he actually asked me to pick him up from the airport, but said he would be waiting outside for me in the "passenger pickup" area. I'm sure that is because his FWB will be dropping him off there, not because he's actually flying in). Instead of being that mad/spiteful I'm just feeling more sad than anything. I hope the anger phase sets back in hardcore, so I can just be mad and not sad and end it and move on.
I don't know what to do/how to end it. Someone replied to caribu who is dealing with a similar crappy situation right now, that she owes the guy no explanation and should just end it. That's tempting, but just not how I generally operate (maybe it should be). Maybe it would be better to tell him I don't trust him and for that reason alone, its over. Maybe I should say we need to take a break and can be friends (the sex is really, really good...lol). Maybe I want to be really awful and let the FWB in on things (if she isn't already suspicious/aware) and show up at their place returning a box of his stuff when she is home/he is not. Maybe I should pull the "where is this going?" card and tell him I can't wait anymore for him to get his life together and I need to date other people. Maybe, maybe, maybe. *sigh*
I seriously just want to sit here and cry tonite, but I'm trying not to let myself have a total pity party. I keep thinking about ending it, and then that feeling the next morning when you wake up after a nite of drinking and/or crying your eyes out. That feeling/day is absolutely the worst. I need to move on because he likely is never going to be available. How do I let go?
Edited 11/27/2009 6:57 am ET by torn_apart_goddess

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I see ur point about doing what u want. I recently signed up for a dating site but haven't done anything with my profile in terms of contacting guys. I've also been asked for my number several times when I'm out but always say no b/c i'm not single. Think that's gonna change too. Not fair for me to be comitted and turning guys down when he's still with fwb.
Were both smarter than they think. But I guess they're "smart" enough in what they're doing to keep us hooked. Maybe we should open our own detective agency...lol
If I were you, and I am aware that I am not, but if I were you...I wouldn't be worred about who he is really with and contacting her or not contacting her etc. etc
...I'd be grateful that I get to see FIRST HAND what a bold face pathological liar he is (and you knew that he was a liar anyway just by having an affair with him) but now you know HOW BOLD FACED he can be when it doesn't even need to be a duplicitous situation.
GET ON YOUR KNEES and thank GOD for this revelation and then get OUT of this unscathed but for some future tears and a few "what ifs" and not your family torn apart or financial ruin because of bad mistakes.
Are you catching what I am tossing at ya?
Xow,
Lizzie
Here's my latest.
TAG, I believe you know already what the outcome of any confrontation or talking will get you with your AP. Excuses, lies and more of the same load hes been giving you.
The example of his sister texting she is in town and he "forgot" to mention it is ridiculous. You know it. You are with him half the week. It is an impossibility that he forgot to tell you when he was seeing her unless he has early Altzheimers. The pushing back of definate plans for cars etc is also a sign hes dragging feet. Hit him up for an answer before New Years IMO. You will at least save yourself 3 more weeks of this garbage.
You have been strung along so long and have taught him ho to treat you. He knows that he can placate you with new dates, promises and excuses you will eat up because you want to believe. Its time to say NO MORE BULL$HIT BUDDY! Get the answers you need directly as no time is a good time to break up- there will always be birthdays, holidays, valentines day, easter etc etc. You are going to have to deal with him sooner or later and its clear he is coasting so you need to set the tone.
With the guy that asked you on a date, no one spills all their past in the first date, so i dont think that its lying or withholding info if you dont tell him everything about AP. Let him know you are seeing someone but you do not know how serious it is due to being lied to but it not necessary to give him your complete dossier. You may not like him or get along but at least you will have given yourself a chance to see that there are men that are willing to put themselves out there for you and make you No.1 priority. If by chance you do get along with new guy, ease him into your situ as the conversation goes along. You will get a feel for the type of man he is and go with the flow.
Tell AP that you are going out with a new male friend. He has not been totally honest with you and you need to call him on it right now. Its time you took full control instead of letting him tell YOU how things are going to be. A R works because you are partners, not boss and follower. If AP doesnt like you going out or dating someone else, he will get his act together and move his butt and do what he says. Nothing is more frustrating than a lollygagger. If he kept his word and spoke the truth then HE couldnt have caused this situation in the first place. AP caused all this but YOU allowed it. Time to get your life back in your own hands. You call the shots. You said yourself that you have job, car, money and home. You are only missing a man that treats you with the respect and love you deserve and you havent clearly got that for a long time. Sure the $ex is great, but im sure that hes not the only man that knows how to rock the house.
Do yourself a favour and finally confront him or end it. You need the peace within yourself and what is happening is clearly not working and hasnt been for a while.
Good luck (again lol)
SB
He calls me his gf, introduces me to friends, co-workers and others as his gf (and I have met a TON of them). He splits his time equally between us 3.5 days with her, 3.5 with me. He texts me all the time when he's at home. He usually only texts her once or gives a quick 2 minute phone call to her when he's with me. It also seems he spends the majority of his $ on me rather than her. I have never met her and I know she doesn't know, specifically who I am. She may know/be suspicious about another woman in his life, but could just about best she doesn't know details.
I don't know who is what, etc. And it really doesn't matter I suppose, because its all wrong. I'm getting screwed over/lied to or we're BOTH getting screwed over and lied to. Wrong or double wrong. I would like to know truly who/what she is, just for the record.
I had a kind of bad nite last nite wit him, ended up drinking too much and getting really upset about what I am to him and what he wants with us, if he's happy, if I'm enough, etc. I also started bringing up his living situation again and he was willing to talk about it, but by the time I got done with the first part of the talk and on to that I was really upset and crying. He got a little annoyed. He went to sleep, I cried myself to sleep.
This morning we got up and talked for a while. I asked him the same questions and I'm sure he told me what I wanted to hear. I gave him the opportunity to back out of the relationship a few times. No consequences. I said, I'm not sure this is what you want, if I'm what you really want, if I'm expecting too much, if the bf/gf label is not what you want, if you want to see other people, etc. All that stuff. He said he wants to be with me and just me, loves our relationship, thinks I'm great, etc. He said if he wanted something else he would break up with me and wouldn't be sitting here now. Hm, yeah, ok. Cake eater.
I asked him some questions about FWB/whatever that had been bugging me. He responded calmly. I again asked if I'm enough or if he wanted to back things off with me or wanted to date other people or anything. He said no, he is very happy with me and has no interest in pursuing something with someone else.
I told him I try to leave the living situation alone and can let it be sometimes. Other times I said it drives me absolutely insane and hurts. He said, don't think about it like that, I told you how it is, she's just there and we're friends and that's it. I stay in my room and work on work, play on the computer, watch tv. There's nothing there with her and hasn't been in a long time.
He then said he doesn't want this topic to come up again in 6 weeks or 3 months or 6 months down the road, particularly if I'm "moody" about it (e.g. - PMS'ing, drunk) He said he would answer any questions/concerns but wants to make sure its not under bad circumstances.
This is where I asked, "if it comes up in 3 or 6 months?" I said I'd really hope you would have the situation done/over before then. I don't know how much longer I can handle this. I don't think I can make it another 6 months with the situation like this. I said it's not an ultimatum, it's just honestly the way I feel. I hope it doesn't come to that, but right now it's not looking good.
He looked disappointed and a little hurt after I said that and kind of nodded. He went on to explain that there is nothing going on again (yeah, yeah) and that living there affords him very inexpensive rent, which in turn means he is able to help his family (mom) out who is struggling financially. Not sure I believe that at all.
I responded that I'm glad he's able to help his mom, but again said I don't know how much longer I can do this because I really like you and care about you and its harder all the time. I then asked how much longer he plans on living there...a month, 6 months, indefinitely. Basically the response was more in the realm of "indefinitely." He said he wants to get his career on track so that financially he knows where his money is coming from and is stable.
I've been hearing this for a year! Granted, the economy sucks and one month he'll have a great month, but then the following month will be slow/almost no work. Last month he brought in a great paycheck, this month it's a fraction of that. I'm not going to sit here and wait for the economy to pick up and he feels financially stable, because even then, I'm sure there's gonna be excuses.
I'm so exhausted today. I spent at least an hour crying hard last nite to the point I could barely breathe and finally cried myself to sleep. After our talk, things are still the same. Nothing has changed, and nothing will until *I* make it change.
I think I posted earlier that I gave some guy at a concert my number earlier this week. Well, he has texted me several times. Some friendly "how are you today?" messages, and then a couple asking me out. He even invited me to his work holiday party. I feel guilty, but think I'm going to to go out with him on a date(?) soon. Nothing has to happen, nor will I let it. I plan to be forthcoming in telling him I am seeing someone, but am not sure where it is headed at this point. I just don't want to lie or otherwise lead him on. I feel more guilt for him rather than toward my BF. Afterall, my BF is lying to me, so I figure meeting up with someone for a drink/coffee isn't that bad in comparison, maybe.
I don't know why I feel like I need to make it thru Xmas to break up with him/tell him we're gonna be just friends (think it will be easier for me going the friends route for a little while). I don't know if I will be any more ready then than now or if it will make it harder.
After the convo today, I can say I am fortunately not feeling that "sucked in" feeling. I feel better in a sense because I spoke to him about how I feel with that situation and realizes I am willing to call it quits in the near future should it continue. I'm not feeling all lovey toward him, I'm just trying to see the situation for what it is and that's really good. This is the most stable/realistic I have felt about things in a while. I'm almost certain I will be telling him we're through with our BF/GF relationship in the next couple weeks and I want to be friends. Unless there's some xmas miracle (LMAO!) and he moves out. I'm feeling very much prepared to do that. Again, not sure why I feel so compelled to make it thru xmas, but think once I do, I can do what I need.
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