Need help from everyone!

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-10-2003
Need help from everyone!
1
Mon, 12-15-2003 - 3:21am
On entering this affair, I never knew how deeply I would fall for the MM I am seeing, nor would I know just how sad and alone I would feel. I have not been in this affair very long, but I am starting to feel hurt and despair. I know I would only be truly happy, in a normal relationship, void of any other woman. I really have ups and downs with my partner, when we are together, we both feel estaticlly happy and when we are apart, we both feel wanting and longing and ache. He said those three words that I have never heard any man tell me before " I love you" and he says he wants to wait for us to have sex, so I know it's not just about getting me into bed. He says that he cannot bear to make me unhappy, he writes me poetry and e-mails me and calls me everyday. I have told him, I love him very much and would like to share a LTR future with him. I didn't directly say that i wanted him to leave his wife, but I think he got it when he said he would be worried about all of the impacts leaving his wife might have. I left it up to him to make a desicion wheather he would leave her or not, I know it is a hard descion. I also know that most people say that MM never leave thier wives, is this true? I have heard cases where it wasn't. What sort of man leaves his wife and What should I do?
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-03-2003
Mon, 12-15-2003 - 11:59am
You seem very frustrated, chanelbelle. You say you haven't been in this affair very long... I can tell you that in the beginning I did have a tough time with the ups and downs. I learned a lot in those early months and am continuing to learn. I've learned that just because MM seems distant or to have disappeared altogether, that doesn't mean it's over or his feelings have changed. I've learned this A is likely not going to end unless something happens that forces it to end. Our feelings aren't going to change on a dime, that just doesn't happen. I've learned that sometimes life gets in the way and we can't be together and I just have to start looking forward to the next day, to the next time I'll see him again. I've learned to enjoy my life outside of MM and I'm still TRYING to learn to enjoy my little fantasy life even when things aren't going well with MM. I wrote something inside my notebook a while back that still holds true today: PERCEPTION IS REALITY. That's to say, if you choose to take every time you can't be with MM and pout and worry that he's not thinking of you, then that will become your reality. If you instead choose to realize that no matter what he's doing, he's probably thinking about you and wishing he could be with you, then that's a much more fun reality, isn't it? Whether it's true or not (it probably IS true, actually) doesn't matter. What matters is how you choose to feel about your A. A lot of people on here have said when the bad times outweigh the good times, it's time to cut your losses. I'll take it a step further and say that when the A is eating away your ability to work, to enjoy your favorite pasttimes, to be happy in your life outside of it, it's probably not a good lifestyle for you. It could just be that you're still adjusting and maybe you'll find that balance. As for whether or not MM will ever leave -- we could quote statistics all day and it still means nothing. What matters is your own relationship. If he has children, it probably is a little less likely he'll leave but you didn't mention children and your post seems to indicate he really gives you a lot of attention. Still...you have to be prepared for the possibility he'll never leave. That he'll string you along for years and years and you'll miss out on starting a life of your own. That's your choice to make and if you make it, you have to go for it and have NO REGRETS. You can't blame him ten years down the road when you are alone with no children because it was a choice you made on your own.