need major advice, please help me out!

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-28-2009
need major advice, please help me out!
5
Mon, 05-25-2009 - 4:16am

Hi everyone, I've posted here once before about my situation and I'm still in it and needing major advice on a few things. This is going to be a long post but this is the minimum I can put it to give everyone a good idea of our situation.


First, I am trying to decide if this is worth it to stay in or if in the end, I'm going to waste time, maybe even years that I won't be able to get back. Here is my situation: I'm 20, he's 39 and a MM. We have known each other for a few years before and this started 8 months ago, so we've been together about 8 months, and we are very much in love with each other. In the years I knew him before I never thought about him in this way at all, and he was the same way with me, but

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-15-2009
Mon, 05-25-2009 - 4:51am
Dear, I can feel your pain. The situation you are involved is taking its toll on your emotions and will continue to do so..both to you and your AP. As you say, chances of him able to get a D is really slim and will take years of waiting. In your case, I find it a positive thing that you could get some feelings for someone new. You are single, why do you want to stop trying if you can gell with someone else who is S and available? One thing I have realised is your AP may seem to be the perfect partner now and might have remained so if you both had got together earlier. But all the struggle you both are going to face might cause huge frictions in your relationship with each other. You or He might any time start to feel that there is no more love existing between you two, its always just bad feelings of envy, confusion, anger, bitterness and so on. You can never try to get over it or talk it out with your AP since the situation itself is bad. I would suggest that you try to take an emotional break from him, don't cut ties or anything, just try to stop thinking about it all the time and trying to find solutions, but inform him you are seeing other people. And see where it goes. But dont rush, take your time, I am sure as you mature with age, you will find yourself in more meaningful relationships.
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-28-2009
Mon, 05-25-2009 - 6:52am
Well part of the problem is in one way
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-14-2006
Mon, 05-25-2009 - 10:58pm

I really hope I'm wrong, but as one who waited years for an AP who didn't leave because of "finances", and who never did, I think that it is very doubtful yours will. If a man wants to be with someone, he will move mountains to do it. It won't matter if he has to work at Wal-Mart (no offense to those who work at Wal-Mart). The fact that he will have to pay alimony to his W, because she stayed home and took care of their kids instead of working, will NEVER change.


When I left my H, I took only my clothes and moved to a rented house (I left the house I bought in my name). I had to write my H enormous checks since this is an equal property state. I slept on the floor. But all of this was worth it because I was doing it for ME. I could not endure another minute in the M.


It sounds like your AP has it pretty cushy--his own apt. in the house, a GF 20 years younger, gets to keep his money.

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-28-2009
Tue, 05-26-2009 - 1:00am

No that doesn't seem harsh, it's exactly what I've been starting to worry about.. He even said that just a couple months into it he would have gone through the divorce even if he had to move back into his parent's basement, now he's wanting to stay with me but wait until his house can sell for a profit before doing anything since that's his only way to pay unless he goes into major debt. It makes me wonder if a D was ever an option, because his financial situation was the same a few months ago.

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-13-2006
Tue, 05-26-2009 - 11:46am

Hi there. I somewhat feel your pain, however, my AP and I are both married, and though caught twice, have no plans of ending our Ms. We "long" to have the freedom with one another that we do our spouses, but do not obsess about it and have no illusions nor jealousy.


Now, I am going to play the Devil's advocate:


He is 39, you are 20? Remove yourself from