Need Major Help!!!

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-21-2003
Need Major Help!!!
6
Sun, 08-31-2003 - 5:22pm
Hi everyone.. I've been back and forth here and there with the ending affair support and my affair support here, but I need to post this here and need major help with something.. Ok recap for people that don't recognize me.. I'm 27 married and been having a fwb relationship with a mm co-worker for about 8 mo. now.

Today when I got home from work, my H tells me that there's something on his mind and he needs to talk to me about.. Well he found my written journal about my ema with mm.. It tells explicit detail about everything.. But I told him that I was writing a fantasy letter to penthouse magazine.. I told him that I wrote about mm, cuz I had fantasies with him. He got mad at me for not telling him I had fantasies with him. He kinda believes me, but I know deep down he doesn't. He says he doesn't know what to believe anymore..

I couldn't believe he found it and I don't know what to do! I need major help. I can't let him know the truth. It will ruin everything.

It's gonna be hard now to leave early for work to meet him. He's not gonna trust me and I don't want it to be obvious.

well I know you probably can't help me much.. I just wanted to get this off my chest I guess to the board.

Thanks.. Jean

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-26-2003
Sun, 08-31-2003 - 7:46pm
Dear Jean,

You have been tripped up by one of the most common

mistakes in an A. Never expect any hiding place to be

secure from a spouse. (Isn't hindsight wonderful!) Probably

the next most common is a taped or overheard phone

conversation.

I believe you played your cards about as well as you

could, given the situation. The fantasy ploy is plausable,

and has worked before. Expect your H to be suspicious

for some time though. You may need to keep writing or

he will get even more suspicious.

I think you can stand your ground on your fantasies,

I'll bet H never shared his fantasies of other women with

you, now did he? This fantasy sharing could dramatically

alter your sex life with H. You may be in for a rennisance

in your M.

There has been a lot of good information posted here

about how to avoid being caught. I would go re-read it

right now, expect close scrutiny for some time to come.

You certainly don't want to make any new mistakes, and

now is a pretty dangerous time for you. The danger will

certainly make any liasons pretty hot, if you are into that.

Expect H to check up on you at any time, be careful.

Watch out for taped phone conversations, call billings,

and notes or personal items from MM. This is a hard

game to play, especially under suspicion.

On the positive side, it sounds like you have become

an aspiring fantasy writer for Penthouse. Good luck!

It would certainly lend support to your excuse if you

got published! It is too bad you can't use the plot of

a discovered affair forcing you into becoming a writer

for Penthouse. It is a good plot, but your H will want

to edit your copy (or at least read it). Let me know

which issue will be your first, I want to read it!

I am sorry you are experiencing the downside of having

an A. There is a lot of experience here, we will help as

best we can. You will get through it, hang in there!

hugs,

G

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-05-2003
Sun, 08-31-2003 - 7:55pm


good luck... =)


Edited 9/22/2003 1:55:57 AM ET by lexylew

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-21-2003
Tue, 09-02-2003 - 8:04am
thank you for posting back to me and your encourgeing words.. I love this board and you guys know excactly what I feel and what I 'm going through. It was very stupid of me to write this journal, but I want to remember ALL the feelings of this A, so in the future I can learn from my mistakes.. I guess it was stupid of me to leave it under my dresser. He said he was cleaning something and he seen it under there.

I guess my story worked about writing a fantasy letter to penthouse. The subject hasn't come up again and we've been acting "normal". Havn't become intimate, but we'll see what happens with that.

My mm should be leaving our workplace pretty soon, and when he does this A will probably end, since we won't see e/o anymore, but until then we will continue this A. I had mixed feelings before, but I just can't keep away from him. We are both addicted to e/o sexually. I tried to end it 3 times, and I just can't help keep my hands and eyes off of him and he feels the same.

Thank you for all your help.. Jean

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
Tue, 09-02-2003 - 8:38am
I still believe that you should never write anything down unless you are comfortable with someone reading it and I mean this in all aspects of your life...Journals seem like a good idea but they often create more trouble than they are worth.

Also, I wouldnt make any sudden changes to our everyday routine. You mentioned not going to work early anymore. Because your DH is suspicious right now he will surely notice any changes in your routine and grow even more suspicious. If you leave early for work everyday I would encourage you to keep doing so...in an effort to minimize your DH's suspiciousness you should definately keep writing in your journal.

I have never been caught, knock on wood, but I believe that is because I follow all the golden rules of affairs so I dont raise any suspicions. I can't afford to give my DH a reason to question me or to check up on me...

DENY, DENY, DENY!

Liberal

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Tue, 09-02-2003 - 10:05am
hi jean. girl, the exact same thing happened to me just this past feb. BF found my journal (stupid, i know, but it was hidden very, very well, so he was searching for sure, even though he said he was looking for "pictures"!). when confronted i denied the A and said the same thing, a fantasy i made up because i was so unhappy. BF also had a hard time believing me, but wanted to so much that we decided to try to work out our issues and work on saving the relationship. i devote lots and lots of attention to BF now to keep him happy. MM and i had NC for two weeks after the initial explosion (i told MM all) and then slowly resumed our A. BF and i are social with MM and his W. we spend part of almost every weekend together so MM and i have to be careful not to get close or make eye contact. it's very hard but we've been maintaining the A very well.

MM and i both have cellphones that my BF and his W have no access to so we are free to talk to each other or leave messages all the time. we are just way more careful now.

my advice to you, jean, is to cool the EMA for awhile and devote time and attention to your H. make him feel like you really care and love him. when you feel H is more relaxed, you can continue with the EMA. good luck because it's hard to do, but worth it if you want to save your marriage.

take care,

gurl

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-26-2003
Tue, 09-02-2003 - 12:15pm
Dear Jean,

I understand your wanting to preserve all the

emotions and every little detail of your A. I did

too. My solution was to type my thoughts into my

laptop PC and then encrypt the file with one of

the free tools on the web. I use F-secure desktop,

which does a great job of encrypting and even

erases the plain text file 3 times to make sure

it is gone. There are other tools as well.

Of course, the meer existance of encrypted

files can be a problem. I have used the fantasy

ploy here myself, and indeed, some of them are.

But then too, some of them are hardcore fact,

pun intended.

Be careful, try to minimize collateral damage.

ditr