Need opinion - Esp from any men on board
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Need opinion - Esp from any men on board
| Wed, 05-20-2009 - 2:57am |
Since last 15 months, I am in an affair with my best friend of long time. Both are married and have 2 kids each. We used to be in the same place, but seperated physically after our plans to try to be together were not taken well by both our significant others. Still, he has kept his word so far and says I can be with him any time. When we fell in love, things at our homes were lacking in many sides, esp at his end. Now, since she came to know of us, she has changed and is trying every bit to make their bond strong. This he admits but says he is maintaining a distance since it is me who matter to him the most. And he always keeps in mind like he may have to walk out any time. I am in a very tough situation..My H is also been very loving since D Day (which was initiated by us) but we both can never have the same kind of emotional bonding we have with each other, with our SO). Our situation is such that even if I take the huge step of leaving my M, my H has vowed he will never let us live together. This is possible since both our SOs has denied a divorce, no matter what.
Now, this fence sitting is killing both of us. We realise this is one of the most horrible life we can lead but to think of not having each other seems impossible. We depend on each other a lot emotionally. We chat/email/phone many times a day but meet only once in 2-3 months since he leaves far away. This way, we are reducing the risk of getting caught and try to maintain some emotional stability.
Jealousy is killing me. He is everything I want in my man and I know he can make any woman feel like a queen. And I envy his W for being in the place which seems so rightfully mine. Though he tells me almost every day that he doesn't love her the way he loves me, I know the dynamics of being in a real relationship. He tries his best to make me feel secured but recently I have started to feel like he has to act in front of me to accomplish this, which I really hate since our relationship was always very honest and transparent.
Both of us are sacrificing so much in our Real M including trips I would love to take, another child and other small but significant things, but maintaining this R seems worth every pain.
My Q now is will a man tell his AP he will leave his W just to make her stay in the R. Or will the M ties turn out to be stronger? Should I suggest that we give up hope of being together and carry on it as an affair? That will mean an end of any S between us and even saying the L word time and again as we do now, but I have realised it many times, we always go back to being in love every time we decide to stay away.
I know our ways are seperated and we are now facing a brick wall. Still, cant let him go.
Any suggestion?
Now, this fence sitting is killing both of us. We realise this is one of the most horrible life we can lead but to think of not having each other seems impossible. We depend on each other a lot emotionally. We chat/email/phone many times a day but meet only once in 2-3 months since he leaves far away. This way, we are reducing the risk of getting caught and try to maintain some emotional stability.
Jealousy is killing me. He is everything I want in my man and I know he can make any woman feel like a queen. And I envy his W for being in the place which seems so rightfully mine. Though he tells me almost every day that he doesn't love her the way he loves me, I know the dynamics of being in a real relationship. He tries his best to make me feel secured but recently I have started to feel like he has to act in front of me to accomplish this, which I really hate since our relationship was always very honest and transparent.
Both of us are sacrificing so much in our Real M including trips I would love to take, another child and other small but significant things, but maintaining this R seems worth every pain.
My Q now is will a man tell his AP he will leave his W just to make her stay in the R. Or will the M ties turn out to be stronger? Should I suggest that we give up hope of being together and carry on it as an affair? That will mean an end of any S between us and even saying the L word time and again as we do now, but I have realised it many times, we always go back to being in love every time we decide to stay away.
I know our ways are seperated and we are now facing a brick wall. Still, cant let him go.
Any suggestion?

Have the two of you talked to Divorce lawyers???? I doubt that the spouse can keep the other spouse from getting a divorce by not signing the papers...that sounds ridiculous...if that was the case almost no one would be divorced. If
In a word? Yes, a man will say just about anything to keep the affair going.
But that does not mean that this is what he is doing.
I just wanted to touch on your H saying you cannot be granted a D.
That was an insight. Now I know what I am trying to do is so dumb. I cant control something between them. This exactly must be my APs viewpoint on this, I always wonder how he handles these feelings himself. And to dwell and fret about things beyond our control seems so pointless. It used to bother me that he was avoiding discussing the same real life scenarios at my end..it must be because he wanted to avoid the hurt caused by something that was not in his control..and I used to mistake it for him being cool about everything, when inside mind I knew that was not the case.
Thanks a lot. It helped.
Yeh, I have been reading through posts concerning experiences of people who have succeded in their As..like yours. We belong to a different country and our social norms are very different. A long divorce is a very tricky situation for us. We had initiated D Day thinking in that direction but things got so messed up with his W attempting suicide and my H confronting him. And lots of misunderstandings were thrown into our minds while NC was forced on us. The key thing is that, we both otherwise have happy families, to upset everything, to face all the risks involved and the fear of not knowing the outcome of it all is very scary for me. Especially when the process drags. We have found that the only possible way out for us is to just start living together and then meet everything that follows. Leaving a M just for being with your love sounds so selfish and I cant help thinking the harm I am doing to my family and his family. That makes me think about leading this kind of a life, for the sake of everyone else. AP is being very understanding, he says I can make the terms, the least he expects from me is a mail a day. We try to stick to it for a while but we have to discuss every single thing with each other, otherwise we are totally lost. And I cant really give up this kind of a special relation for ANYTHING in this world.
I hope time will help me find a way.