Need opinions

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-28-2003
Need opinions
5
Sun, 09-28-2003 - 10:04am
Hi ladies, I'm new here and glad I found this board. I've had a long distance relationship with a MM for almost 4 years now and although we've had our ups and downs I thought we were at a pretty good place with each other. But lately something feels odd. I can't put my finger on what it is and it's troubling me. Among other things, he used an unusual phrase recently that he's never used before in the whole time I've know him and I'm beginning to wonder if he's involved with someone else. Given that there's such a distance between us, I'd understand in a way if he was. But I know if I asked him, he'd deny it. It's not jealousy on my part, but rather a need to know the truth and where I really stand with him. If he were involved with someone else, I'd accept that and our relationship would become nothing more than platonic friendship. I just don't want to feel like I'm being played for some niave fool or give so much love to someone who doesn't want it.

How do I get him to open up and understand that if he were involved with someone else, although it might hurt me a little initially, I'd understand. That I'd still love him as a friend but nothing more.

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-18-2003
Sun, 09-28-2003 - 10:36am
You just have to have a discussion with him. You say, "MM, given the fact that we are very far away from one another, this thought keeps cropping up in my mind, that perhaps you could decide to see someone else in addition to me. I would really be uncomfortable with that situation, so I would want to know about it so that I could decide what to do about our relationship. How do you stand on this issue?"
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-24-2003
Sun, 09-28-2003 - 11:38am
Gotta agree with you, Yoga. If you want to know, you have to ask. Also, I don't think that just because he used a new phrase, it means he is involved with someone else. I guess I just don't see the link.

Good luck

RH

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-27-2003
Sun, 09-28-2003 - 12:00pm
Your name says it all. I've come to realize after over 2 years having an A, which is NOT long distance, that what I've conjured up in my head, is simply that, a fantasy. When I really think about the situation, I know if he cannot be faithful to his W, he's never going to be faithful to me. He always had excuses of one sort or another, after all, he had no committment to me, and in the back of my head, I always wondered how many others there were.

Be careful, and try to let go. Perhaps it will be easier for you to remain friends, as your relationship is long distance. I've had to establish NC, and find it very difficult to simply be friends with him. The relationship went too far to turn another way.

Take some time to do what's best for you. I assure you, by establishing NC, while it may be difficult for awhile, eventually you'll gain a whole different perspective of the situation, and realize that you want more for your life.

Good luck!!!
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-18-2003
Sun, 09-28-2003 - 12:30pm
I agree about no link between a new lady and a new phrase, BUT, the suspicion that this poster has illustrates her own gut feeling and her own lack of trust in the man. THAT is relevant. No?
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-24-2003
Sun, 09-28-2003 - 3:00pm
That certainly *is* relevant. I'm a big believer in trusting those red flags that our intuition sends up. However, she said, "among other things" was this new phrase. We don't know what other things are sending that signal. Also, that new phrase may have come out during intimate conversation that might otherwise been worded differently. Certainly previous objections to certain language that are suddenly overturned would speak volumes to me.

As a for instance, I've always had the 'filthier' of mouths between H and I, though I would struggle and struggle and struggle to temper it, hide it, modify it. Usually I was successful. When I came to the point in my M where I was open to an A, I found a man that basks in the light of my natural personality. The result? I allowed myself more freedom to be who and what I really am in my home, as well. Regardless of how 'crass' my H found my language. Surely if my H had a distrusting bone in his body, that would have said something to him.

I think it possible that a similar situation may be playing out in the poster's life, as well.

Lucky