need prayers - at crossroads!

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-26-2005
need prayers - at crossroads!
2
Fri, 07-23-2010 - 8:29pm

Need some positive thoughts... struggling.

Short background - in 3 year A with MM (Im S) who is one of my best friends and coworker. In April he said he was done with W and is trying to 'ease' out... in other words get her to ask for the D. He has a self-imposed deadline that's 5 weeks away to leave her if she doesn't first.

Anyway, freaking out tonight! It's been so good for a long time!
Today we did our volunteer work... and he seemed edgy but he's having trouble with that vol wk lately so that's not unusual. Anyway, we stopped for dinner with a friend afterward and he's still kinda cold. We talked on the phone on our ways home and he says he's irritable b/c I've been smothering him all day... and all week. That he feels like he can't breathe and can't do this any more. I asked what happened b/c we'd had a great few weeks and he says it's been building up. (He asked where the girl he'd known had gone and I said we're in limbo here... it's hard!) I told him I didn't realize... I was sorry... and that I thought things were going great. I asked if he still wanted to be with me... and he said if he had to answer in his current state the answer would be NO. holy ^&*^!!..we've been talking about homes and retirement and kids names and such for weeks! but he said he'd prefer to sleep on it before giving me an answer. I said i needed to know if he wanted to be with me or not (he asked why I was putting this all on him but hello, it's his call at this point!). so, i told him to think about it. = maybe he wanted to be with me and tell me to back off a bit. maybe he wants us to take a break until he can (as he puts it) deal with things with her and we would see where we are then. or maybe he wants to end it whcih means everything, our friendship, everything.

i reminded him taht when we talked last april and he asked me to wait for him, to break up with the guy i was seeing, that my question to him was whether he'd leave her even if i said no. he said (then) that he would, even if i was't there. today, when i said that, he said to leave her out of this, that we are talking about US. that scared me... it sounded like him defending her.

Im going out of town next week with my kids, but I REALLY don't want to be stressed about this the whole time! so i said to think about what he wants, and we'd talk tomorrow (we had plans to try and see each other before i leave town). i said i need to know - that i'm invested in us, my kid is involved. he said he knows... and we'd talk tomorrow.

i am scared to death that this is it. that he's going to back out. that he's going to stay with her and i'll be alone and crushed. i'm also trying to figure out if i want to be with someone who acts like this. I really want to say that HE's the reason we're in limbo... that only HE can fix that. but i'm so scared he's going to choose to stay. OMG... pray for me that the right thing happens tomorrow....and that it doesn't ruin my vacation!

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-11-2010
Fri, 07-23-2010 - 11:22pm

Hi K


Gosh I really feel for you- humungous hug! I would feel exactly the same as you. After all that talk and promises.


Give him a wide berth for the moment. He sounds like he is going through a lot of stress at the moment and is taking it out on you. Dont let him. Give him his space and have a great vacation.


Whatever you do-DO NOT PUSH FOR AN ANSWER WHILE HE'S IN THIS MOOD. Apart from the fact that he'll give you a bad response-men think love waxes and wanes as couples have arguments (my position is that feelings are feelings despite temporary moods and situations). He'll also feel more pressured.


Mostly though dont push him because you know what- you dont need him to be happy. He may choose to be with you or not,doesnt take anything away from your internal happiness with you, your child and your life.


Have that vacation and see what his mood is when you come back. Wjho wants a moody man anyway!

You are what you consistently do
You are what you consistently do
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-26-2005
Sat, 07-24-2010 - 5:46pm

Thanks for that great advice!

I heard from him first thing this morning with an apology. He says he was having a freak out day and 1) it wasn't all me... it was everything, 2) he's REALLY not doing well with me being gone on vacation (our longest time apart in 3 years) and 3) he had no excuse to talk to me like that. I basically said that I would work on giving him space when he needed it and that he just had to tell me (he did say that he exaggerated about feeling smothered).

I did a lot of thinking last night about what it'd be like if he came back and bailed. i went from angry to just closing off, healing and moving on.

So, all said... I am going to pay attention to whether i'm smothering him, but try more to listen to when he sounds stressed... and also remember my value in this... that if something happens... i'll be okay, even if it sucks for a while.

thanks again!