Need Serious Advice

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-18-2003
Need Serious Advice
6
Wed, 11-19-2003 - 11:13pm
Here are my thoughts on this and I'd like some insight if anyone can relate.

My MM & I were a couple 15 years ago. We spilt on circumstance not on bad terms, we both went in different directions in our lives and because we were young did not have a choice really. Fast forward 15 years later...I am M and so is he. Me for almost 14 yrs and him for 7. Now, we have begun an EMA 4 mons ago and have had alot of conversations about the what ifs and our future.

I don't want to get into all the background about it but would like some advice. He says he was to leave his W and has for the past 5 yrs. He said he wants to do this wether or not I'm in the picture. **I keep telling him that it is his decison but don't do it for me> when our EMA begun I told him I wouldn't leave my husband but now have started feeling and telling him that I want to.

I have mixed emotions about this. and there are times I do feel like I want out of this m...but then other times think there is no way that I'm leaving . I need to make it very clear to my MM that I am in no way sure of what our future holds and I can't make promises that I can't keep. I am confused and don't want to mislead him in any way. At first we talked about being together in 15 years from now when our kids are grown, now he is talking like he is leaving soon. What do I do> Please advice me , I am seriously caught up in this and need a clear headed person to advice me through it.

Wishing

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-27-2003
Wed, 11-19-2003 - 11:44pm
Hey wishing

I think your instincts are correct and you are giving yourself the best advice: "I need to make it very clear to my MM that I am in no way sure of what our future holds and I can't make promises that I can't keep." Remeber that and be completely honest with him.

I know how difficult this must be for you given the fact that you have children. The thought of tearing my family apart kills me (which is why I know things could never be any different than they are with MM and myself)-- I'm sure the thought is just as gut-wrenching for you! Take your time with this; I know you've known him for 15 years, but you're only into this A for 4 months.

I also think the fact that he would leave his wife for him and not you is a very good thing. I think if you were to ever leave your M -- you would have to do it for the same reasons in order for you to have any chance of a stable future with your MM. I hope that makes sense.

Hang in there and take your time; see how things progress!

Will be thinking of you -- keep us updated on things,

Charlotte

 

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-18-2003
Thu, 11-20-2003 - 12:06am
Charolette~

Thank-you so much for just reitterating(sp?) for me my thoughts and on how I feel. I appreciate you taking the time to talk me through my cloudiness, it is hard to see clearly through this sometimes . Thanks for being a great girlfriend who can understand and knows exactly how and what I'm dealing with. Much appreciated !!! I will keep you posted and look forward to sharing things with you in the future.

Wishing~

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Thu, 11-20-2003 - 9:37am
wishing, boy-o-boy honey, you are definitely confused and now torn between staying in your M and leaving to start over again. i feel for you honey, because you were so sure before about staying married when the EMA started and just picking up with MM again, you were like, "okay i can do this, he's married, i'm married, so we'll just have fun on the side." there was a level playing field between the two of you -- no one had more to lose than the other. AND you were secure in the knowledge that you always had your M to fall back on, and the fun of the EMA too!

but darn it, MM went and changed things, didn't he? so now that MM has said he wants to leave his M, you're being forced to reevaluate your entire outlook and those little nagging voices in the back of your mind are saying, "go for it, leaving your M and have a good time with MM" and "no, no, no, i'm staying with my H and children, in my safe zone and MM can't make me choose"!! what a tug-of-war!!

i've said this many, many times before on this board, but you must talk as honestly as you can with MM and let him know you are confused and torn and not sure what YOUR future holds. try to talk to MM and see if he responds with how he perceives the future between the two of you, IF AND WHEN he actually does leave his M.

then the ball's in your court and you'll have to think about what you really want for YOUR future, not MM's future. Marriages end all the time and everyone works out the logistics of separation and the division of the property, custody issues with the children, all the assets. it's totally doable, just a pain in the butt to go through.

think about it, honey, and good luck whatever you decide,

gurl

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-23-2003
Thu, 11-20-2003 - 10:02am
I dont think your future with MM should hold any bearing on your decision or his decision to stay in your marriages or not, they are two entirely different animals and should be treated as such.

Sit back, take a good look at all aspects of your life and once you take a realistic look at your life as it is you will start to see changes you are ready to make and those that you're not ready to make and things will become clearer.

Hugs to you Wishing!

cl-liberalgirl

callmeliberal@hotmail.com

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-18-2003
Thu, 11-20-2003 - 2:53pm
Gurlfriend, Thank-you so much for your words of wisdom and advice, I do appreciate it so much. I did tell MM what I am feeling and spelled it out clearly. We had a really good talk and he assured me that he is not expecting anything from me, because he is choosing to leave his M. He asured me that is choice to leave is his alone and has way more to do with other things between them than me. Thank-god, because I am not sure what will happen if anything, as much as I want it too, I have kids to consider.... So thanks again your words helped.

Wishing

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-18-2003
Thu, 11-20-2003 - 2:55pm
Liberalgirl, You are so right. I did just what you suggested and I do see things that I'm not ready to change, while others i'm so ready for. Thanks !

Wishing