Need a shoulder

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-03-2003
Need a shoulder
25
Thu, 02-12-2004 - 7:18pm
Hi everyone. Most of you are familiar with my situation, so I won't bore you with the gory details -- just that I'm in an emotional A that's been going on for about nine months now. MM and I are both really fighting this and it's getting scary to me. Up until recently I used to blame MM for everything. He'd be really intense for a while, then back off suddenly. The closer we got (further we got toward intimacy in other words), the more he'd back away, but he'd always come back around. It drove me crazy...until I realized I pretty much NEED these down times or I start to freak out!

Last October we got really intense, then in Nov. he backed off but so did I. I just told myself that I was going to go away and let him be in his "cave," and I made myself busy for a couple of weeks. Indeed, it did seem to go a lot easier than when I got all clingy and needy while he was backed off. (That just pushes him further away, no surprise!) Then in December he got all intense again and due to circumstances, I gave him the impression that if he wanted sex, I was not going to stop him. That totally freaked him out and he backed way off...for exactly one day. But it scared me so much that I backed off too and basically we went into the holidays with me needing space in a major way. When we came back I was distant toward him but soon after we resumed our friendship and things were smooth for a while.

Okay, so now we're up to recently. About two weeks ago he started getting really intense. I fought it and fought it -- BELIEVE me -- but the more I fought, the more he came around. I tried to build his ego without crossing the line and thought I was in control and you know what? I was. But he continued to spin out of control until last Friday, when he tried to get me to kiss him and I said no. I knew it would freak him out and, to be honest with you, I knew it would freak ME out. But it didn't. He didn't stop talking to me or disappear for a couple of days. He continued to call and come around, more than ever, but he was just...different.

Not once this week has he told me I looked nice or said anything in any way flattering. He hasn't looked at me in that way that lets me know he loves me, he hasn't tried to touch me when no one's looking. I'm getting the distinct impression he's wanting me to chase him. Well, today I blew it in a BIG way. I was near his office when I overheard him talking to some friends about a sexy outfit his wife wore for him in the bedroom a few months back. Now, he KNEW I was in this nearby office (although he swears he didn't) and just that morning he'd had to listen to me talk about my V-day plans and he got this jealous look on his face. He didn't say anything, but he does this prideful act that I've come to recognize and it usually happens around the time he's needing to push me away. The sexy outfit comment really got to me, though, and I went to my office and called him and told him that bothered me. I know I shouldn't have, but I couldn't just stew on it all night. He said that yes, it would have bothered him to hear the same thing but surely I can't expect that he and his wife won't be doing that for V-day. Of course, that didn't HELP. I told him I know they will be but I'd rather not hear about it... He apologized and everything seemed fine, but afterward I totally lost it. I'm TERRIFIED right now, and I have been all week. Earlier this week I went two days without speaking to him -- I deliberately made myself too busy to. I think I'm in MY cave. Does that happen? I think today I deliberately pushed him away because hearing that about him and his wife made me suddenly realize that this isn't a dull marriage I'm possibly breaking up. This woman went to the trouble of buying something sexy and wearing it for him. She's GOOD to him. Sure, I'm younger and have a better body, but she's the mother of his child. If a woman who will do all that for him isn't enough to keep him from straying, what is?

I don't know... All this has just made me realize that I need this space every now and then. This is definitely headed toward getting physical and I feel so scared of it. I feel like I have to step back every now and then. But also, when he's treating me like I'm just another buddy, it's really hard on me. I'd rather not talk to him and remember him when he was sweet than to talk to him every day and have him look right through me. Am I crazy? This whole thing is just so complicated. I don't know what to do anymore except to try to stay away from him for a few days until my head's on straight again. But the question is, what do I do when I pass him in the hall at work? Because if I've learned anything from past experience, the more I try to avoid him, the more I run into him. (He starts coming around at the time he knows I'm usually in the hallway...) And what if he calls and asks why I haven't been around? Luckily we're heading into a three day weekend, so maybe I'll be better by Tuesday. I just feel pretty intrigued that all this time I've thought it was him when really it's coming from me too. I think I fear (from past experience) that he's going to hurt me so to prevent that from happening, I shut my heart off from him. Does anyone else go through this or am I just crazy? (Or both!)

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iVillage Member
Registered: 12-28-2003
In reply to: lilah_iv
Thu, 02-12-2004 - 8:17pm
HI Lilah

I have been reading your posts for sometime and I am wondering what you are getting from all this drama, have you ever consided IC to find out.

What do you expect from him, if you think your going to break up his M your flattering yourself the large majority of these guys never leave there wife for the other woman and run like rabits if there M is threatened.

Why do you feel the need to stroke his ego, how big a price are you prepared to pay to have a fling with MM, way are you prepared to pay it.

You indicated that you suffered sexual abuse as a child, were you ever treated for the damage done, I ask because you seem emtionaly confused wanting to go in two directions at the same time and I am wondering which one is the real you.

I would like to suggest that you spend less time worrying about MM and more time worrying about you, I don't want to offend you at all but I suggest you seek out professional help before doing anything else with MM.

You are not on equil footing with MM he is experenced in this whole business your not, he is in it for the game and the challange, love is not involved here and never was not on his part.

GOOD LUCK

FREE

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-09-2003
In reply to: lilah_iv
Thu, 02-12-2004 - 9:15pm
It kind of sounds to me like he's having fun playing "the game", pretending he's a player, but he isn't really. Because he gets scared off when he thinks you're ready to go thru with the sex. Maybe you should really back off and keep things professional. See what happens and take care of yourself. Because if he really wants to get the relationship to the next stage, are you sure that's what you really want? And it sounds to me (JMO) that he's just not ready for that step.

Witness the way he talks about his wife's sexy outfit when he knows you're listening. I think he's just trying to boost his own ego. And knowing he's got you on the line and stringing you along meanwhile he doesn't have to "do the deed" but still gets the psychological satisfaction of knowing he could if he wanted to, but not able to. And just frustrating and confusing you in the process.

Dusty
xxxx
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-07-2003
In reply to: lilah_iv
Thu, 02-12-2004 - 11:53pm
PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE drop a line to summer_shade@hotmail.com

her name is sharon

this lady is a very close friend of mine and she went through basically the same thing for 8 years before she finally made a break...she can give you the best "wore the same shoes" advice...

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-31-2004
In reply to: lilah_iv
Fri, 02-13-2004 - 9:54am

Get a life, lilah. Don't obsess over this too much. Just get it over with - the sex or ending it. I am tired of reading your long posts and at the end there is nothing at all to it - just GAS.....

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-24-2003
In reply to: lilah_iv
Fri, 02-13-2004 - 11:40am
Lilah, please... I know you are not going to like this, but this whole "affair" is in your head only. This dude clearly enjoys playing cat and mouse with you and gets a kick out of your chasing him all over the place, and a huge sexual boost as well. But he knows darn well where to stop and he will never cross the line, he'll just keep playing this yo-yo game with you for as long as you allow him to. Don't fool yourself - he has no intentions of breaking his marriage for you. If it weren't you it would be someone else, he is just that type of guy.

Sorry for being blunt but you have to realize that this "game" is not harmless, it might seriously jeopardize your marriage - should your husband find out. I am sure he is not going to take it lightly.

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-31-2004
In reply to: lilah_iv
Fri, 02-13-2004 - 12:02pm
Hear, hear, voice of experience speaking ... so as to speak. Print this post from boston53 and that is what it is to him - a game and you are spending hours over here writing out a novel and no "returns". Wake up
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-03-2003
In reply to: lilah_iv
Fri, 02-13-2004 - 12:47pm
Thanks. I'm in tears now. I came here for a shoulder to cry on -- someone to listen, maybe -- and what I get is told that people are "tired" of listening to me drone on. You know what? You don't have to read my posts if you don't like them.

If you think the fact that I haven't slept with this married man makes ME wrong, then you really do have a skewed view of the world. If you think the fact that HE is having reservations about it means he's cruel or whatever, then again, maybe you need to take a look at your relationship. A man who enters into a sexual relationship while married to someone else without giving it a whole lot of thought and having a whole lot of angst about it is not a man I would ever, EVER be involved with. You don't know my situation. You aren't here with me every day to see what I'm going through, so don't be judging me. I feel like I'm being ganged up on on a list of people that I THOUGHT were my friends. I've gotten a lot of support on here since May and there have been times when I thought this was my only haven, including last night. I came here because I needed a group of people who support me and make me feel like I'm not the only one. And there have been many times when I've helped people through but I've never, ever judged anyone or told anyone to get a life. That was very hurtful and highly inappropriate. But if everyone wants me to leave, I'll leave. And, believe me, I like my life just fine the way it is.

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-21-2004
In reply to: lilah_iv
Fri, 02-13-2004 - 1:09pm
I'm fairly new here, and don't post very often, but I just took a look at the title of this board - and yes, it does say "My Affair Support". People come here looking for support - and that is what they should receive, because literally there is no place for us. Unfortunately, I'm not seeing very much support being given here in this particular instance. I'm sorry for that, Lilah. If you want to talk, my email addy is rnscrmn@yahoo.com
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-31-2004
In reply to: lilah_iv
Fri, 02-13-2004 - 1:09pm

Please don't leave on my account, hah! Let's say what

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-19-2004
In reply to: lilah_iv
Fri, 02-13-2004 - 1:12pm
Lilah,

Don't be disheartened by what people said here. There are many times when I get amazed at how some people here thrown away the guilt they feel or how badly treat their H's by holding out sex while doling (sp?) it out to the MM/OMs. I really commend you for holding out against sleeping with this guy. Your situation is probably closest to mine in the sense that I and MM are terribly attracted to each other but are both skeptics, would hate to cheat, and hurt our SOs.

I think by what you said that your MM is definately attracted to you but is holding out since I guess he has been on this road before where he had the emotional affair, married the woman and now feels attracted to you. So maybe he does not trust his feelings towards you or trusts himself. Lilah, I think maybe you should look at this issue too...his being having an affair before and now feeling out of love. Maybe he does have emotional issues and may have trouble staying in love with any woman.

I have been seriously trying to work on my marriage and am thinking of ways that I could get MM out of my mind. Having the thoughts that I once loved this amazing person and he loved me too but that the time wasn't right can help me stay happy in my marriage. If fate has other plans, it will happen but I won't intentionally go out and hurt anybody that I care for. Lilah I think maybe having the talk where you tell your MM that you do truly care for him and always will but don't want to hurt your husband and in future will try to stay away from sexual situations could maybe work for you.

Just a thought.

PG.

If you need to drop a line email me at girl_in_philly@yahoo.com

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