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| Thu, 02-12-2004 - 7:18pm |
Last October we got really intense, then in Nov. he backed off but so did I. I just told myself that I was going to go away and let him be in his "cave," and I made myself busy for a couple of weeks. Indeed, it did seem to go a lot easier than when I got all clingy and needy while he was backed off. (That just pushes him further away, no surprise!) Then in December he got all intense again and due to circumstances, I gave him the impression that if he wanted sex, I was not going to stop him. That totally freaked him out and he backed way off...for exactly one day. But it scared me so much that I backed off too and basically we went into the holidays with me needing space in a major way. When we came back I was distant toward him but soon after we resumed our friendship and things were smooth for a while.
Okay, so now we're up to recently. About two weeks ago he started getting really intense. I fought it and fought it -- BELIEVE me -- but the more I fought, the more he came around. I tried to build his ego without crossing the line and thought I was in control and you know what? I was. But he continued to spin out of control until last Friday, when he tried to get me to kiss him and I said no. I knew it would freak him out and, to be honest with you, I knew it would freak ME out. But it didn't. He didn't stop talking to me or disappear for a couple of days. He continued to call and come around, more than ever, but he was just...different.
Not once this week has he told me I looked nice or said anything in any way flattering. He hasn't looked at me in that way that lets me know he loves me, he hasn't tried to touch me when no one's looking. I'm getting the distinct impression he's wanting me to chase him. Well, today I blew it in a BIG way. I was near his office when I overheard him talking to some friends about a sexy outfit his wife wore for him in the bedroom a few months back. Now, he KNEW I was in this nearby office (although he swears he didn't) and just that morning he'd had to listen to me talk about my V-day plans and he got this jealous look on his face. He didn't say anything, but he does this prideful act that I've come to recognize and it usually happens around the time he's needing to push me away. The sexy outfit comment really got to me, though, and I went to my office and called him and told him that bothered me. I know I shouldn't have, but I couldn't just stew on it all night. He said that yes, it would have bothered him to hear the same thing but surely I can't expect that he and his wife won't be doing that for V-day. Of course, that didn't HELP. I told him I know they will be but I'd rather not hear about it... He apologized and everything seemed fine, but afterward I totally lost it. I'm TERRIFIED right now, and I have been all week. Earlier this week I went two days without speaking to him -- I deliberately made myself too busy to. I think I'm in MY cave. Does that happen? I think today I deliberately pushed him away because hearing that about him and his wife made me suddenly realize that this isn't a dull marriage I'm possibly breaking up. This woman went to the trouble of buying something sexy and wearing it for him. She's GOOD to him. Sure, I'm younger and have a better body, but she's the mother of his child. If a woman who will do all that for him isn't enough to keep him from straying, what is?
I don't know... All this has just made me realize that I need this space every now and then. This is definitely headed toward getting physical and I feel so scared of it. I feel like I have to step back every now and then. But also, when he's treating me like I'm just another buddy, it's really hard on me. I'd rather not talk to him and remember him when he was sweet than to talk to him every day and have him look right through me. Am I crazy? This whole thing is just so complicated. I don't know what to do anymore except to try to stay away from him for a few days until my head's on straight again. But the question is, what do I do when I pass him in the hall at work? Because if I've learned anything from past experience, the more I try to avoid him, the more I run into him. (He starts coming around at the time he knows I'm usually in the hallway...) And what if he calls and asks why I haven't been around? Luckily we're heading into a three day weekend, so maybe I'll be better by Tuesday. I just feel pretty intrigued that all this time I've thought it was him when really it's coming from me too. I think I fear (from past experience) that he's going to hurt me so to prevent that from happening, I shut my heart off from him. Does anyone else go through this or am I just crazy? (Or both!)

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I have been reading your posts for sometime and I am wondering what you are getting from all this drama, have you ever consided IC to find out.
What do you expect from him, if you think your going to break up his M your flattering yourself the large majority of these guys never leave there wife for the other woman and run like rabits if there M is threatened.
Why do you feel the need to stroke his ego, how big a price are you prepared to pay to have a fling with MM, way are you prepared to pay it.
You indicated that you suffered sexual abuse as a child, were you ever treated for the damage done, I ask because you seem emtionaly confused wanting to go in two directions at the same time and I am wondering which one is the real you.
I would like to suggest that you spend less time worrying about MM and more time worrying about you, I don't want to offend you at all but I suggest you seek out professional help before doing anything else with MM.
You are not on equil footing with MM he is experenced in this whole business your not, he is in it for the game and the challange, love is not involved here and never was not on his part.
GOOD LUCK
FREE
Witness the way he talks about his wife's sexy outfit when he knows you're listening. I think he's just trying to boost his own ego. And knowing he's got you on the line and stringing you along meanwhile he doesn't have to "do the deed" but still gets the psychological satisfaction of knowing he could if he wanted to, but not able to. And just frustrating and confusing you in the process.
Dusty
her name is sharon
this lady is a very close friend of mine and she went through basically the same thing for 8 years before she finally made a break...she can give you the best "wore the same shoes" advice...
Get a life, lilah. Don't obsess over this too much. Just get it over with - the sex or ending it. I am tired of reading your long posts and at the end there is nothing at all to it - just GAS.....
Sorry for being blunt but you have to realize that this "game" is not harmless, it might seriously jeopardize your marriage - should your husband find out. I am sure he is not going to take it lightly.
If you think the fact that I haven't slept with this married man makes ME wrong, then you really do have a skewed view of the world. If you think the fact that HE is having reservations about it means he's cruel or whatever, then again, maybe you need to take a look at your relationship. A man who enters into a sexual relationship while married to someone else without giving it a whole lot of thought and having a whole lot of angst about it is not a man I would ever, EVER be involved with. You don't know my situation. You aren't here with me every day to see what I'm going through, so don't be judging me. I feel like I'm being ganged up on on a list of people that I THOUGHT were my friends. I've gotten a lot of support on here since May and there have been times when I thought this was my only haven, including last night. I came here because I needed a group of people who support me and make me feel like I'm not the only one. And there have been many times when I've helped people through but I've never, ever judged anyone or told anyone to get a life. That was very hurtful and highly inappropriate. But if everyone wants me to leave, I'll leave. And, believe me, I like my life just fine the way it is.
Please don't leave on my account, hah! Let's say what
Don't be disheartened by what people said here. There are many times when I get amazed at how some people here thrown away the guilt they feel or how badly treat their H's by holding out sex while doling (sp?) it out to the MM/OMs. I really commend you for holding out against sleeping with this guy. Your situation is probably closest to mine in the sense that I and MM are terribly attracted to each other but are both skeptics, would hate to cheat, and hurt our SOs.
I think by what you said that your MM is definately attracted to you but is holding out since I guess he has been on this road before where he had the emotional affair, married the woman and now feels attracted to you. So maybe he does not trust his feelings towards you or trusts himself. Lilah, I think maybe you should look at this issue too...his being having an affair before and now feeling out of love. Maybe he does have emotional issues and may have trouble staying in love with any woman.
I have been seriously trying to work on my marriage and am thinking of ways that I could get MM out of my mind. Having the thoughts that I once loved this amazing person and he loved me too but that the time wasn't right can help me stay happy in my marriage. If fate has other plans, it will happen but I won't intentionally go out and hurt anybody that I care for. Lilah I think maybe having the talk where you tell your MM that you do truly care for him and always will but don't want to hurt your husband and in future will try to stay away from sexual situations could maybe work for you.
Just a thought.
PG.
If you need to drop a line email me at girl_in_philly@yahoo.com
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