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| Thu, 02-12-2004 - 7:18pm |
Last October we got really intense, then in Nov. he backed off but so did I. I just told myself that I was going to go away and let him be in his "cave," and I made myself busy for a couple of weeks. Indeed, it did seem to go a lot easier than when I got all clingy and needy while he was backed off. (That just pushes him further away, no surprise!) Then in December he got all intense again and due to circumstances, I gave him the impression that if he wanted sex, I was not going to stop him. That totally freaked him out and he backed way off...for exactly one day. But it scared me so much that I backed off too and basically we went into the holidays with me needing space in a major way. When we came back I was distant toward him but soon after we resumed our friendship and things were smooth for a while.
Okay, so now we're up to recently. About two weeks ago he started getting really intense. I fought it and fought it -- BELIEVE me -- but the more I fought, the more he came around. I tried to build his ego without crossing the line and thought I was in control and you know what? I was. But he continued to spin out of control until last Friday, when he tried to get me to kiss him and I said no. I knew it would freak him out and, to be honest with you, I knew it would freak ME out. But it didn't. He didn't stop talking to me or disappear for a couple of days. He continued to call and come around, more than ever, but he was just...different.
Not once this week has he told me I looked nice or said anything in any way flattering. He hasn't looked at me in that way that lets me know he loves me, he hasn't tried to touch me when no one's looking. I'm getting the distinct impression he's wanting me to chase him. Well, today I blew it in a BIG way. I was near his office when I overheard him talking to some friends about a sexy outfit his wife wore for him in the bedroom a few months back. Now, he KNEW I was in this nearby office (although he swears he didn't) and just that morning he'd had to listen to me talk about my V-day plans and he got this jealous look on his face. He didn't say anything, but he does this prideful act that I've come to recognize and it usually happens around the time he's needing to push me away. The sexy outfit comment really got to me, though, and I went to my office and called him and told him that bothered me. I know I shouldn't have, but I couldn't just stew on it all night. He said that yes, it would have bothered him to hear the same thing but surely I can't expect that he and his wife won't be doing that for V-day. Of course, that didn't HELP. I told him I know they will be but I'd rather not hear about it... He apologized and everything seemed fine, but afterward I totally lost it. I'm TERRIFIED right now, and I have been all week. Earlier this week I went two days without speaking to him -- I deliberately made myself too busy to. I think I'm in MY cave. Does that happen? I think today I deliberately pushed him away because hearing that about him and his wife made me suddenly realize that this isn't a dull marriage I'm possibly breaking up. This woman went to the trouble of buying something sexy and wearing it for him. She's GOOD to him. Sure, I'm younger and have a better body, but she's the mother of his child. If a woman who will do all that for him isn't enough to keep him from straying, what is?
I don't know... All this has just made me realize that I need this space every now and then. This is definitely headed toward getting physical and I feel so scared of it. I feel like I have to step back every now and then. But also, when he's treating me like I'm just another buddy, it's really hard on me. I'd rather not talk to him and remember him when he was sweet than to talk to him every day and have him look right through me. Am I crazy? This whole thing is just so complicated. I don't know what to do anymore except to try to stay away from him for a few days until my head's on straight again. But the question is, what do I do when I pass him in the hall at work? Because if I've learned anything from past experience, the more I try to avoid him, the more I run into him. (He starts coming around at the time he knows I'm usually in the hallway...) And what if he calls and asks why I haven't been around? Luckily we're heading into a three day weekend, so maybe I'll be better by Tuesday. I just feel pretty intrigued that all this time I've thought it was him when really it's coming from me too. I think I fear (from past experience) that he's going to hurt me so to prevent that from happening, I shut my heart off from him. Does anyone else go through this or am I just crazy? (Or both!)

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And thank you, Southerngirl, and everyone else who stepped up to let me know that the whole board isn't united in being annoyed by my very existence!
First I want to say that I am sorry if I offended you by my post it was not my intention to do so.
I was not suggesting that you are crazy or sick or anything like that.
If you really want not to have an affair with MM then you need to stop the imaging it in your mind , theres an old saying that says were the mind goes the body will follow.
You need to help MM be true to his vows and you to yours by letting him know you are not prepared to destroy his M or yours for any reason at all, If he is the good man you see him as then he deserves your help in doing what is right for him and good for you.
JMHO
Free
P.S If you would like to talk here is a e-mail address I check daily elbrya@hotmail.com
If I sounded a bit harsh in my original post I apologize. I do not "hate" you and I am not "against" you even though I have to admit that I do not like his behavior and he just doesn't strike me as being genuine and sincere.
I have never posted on this board, but i feel like I am in a situation that is just one step ahead of yours. I have been married for 13 years and am involved in an EMA with a MM (neighbor). We have become very close friends in the past 6 months and flirting very dangerously. Then right around Thanksgiving, we kissed for the first time. For the next few weeks, we did everything but the "deed"- it was getting very hot on my side of town!
Two weeks ago he sat me down and told me we couldn't actually have the s#x. He said he was crazy about me, couldn't stop thinking about me, and really wanted to. . . .however he is not capable of getting involved with me and not having feelings, and he knows I can't either. He said he could already tell just be kissing me that I was giving him more than a good time, I was giving him a piece of me. He on the other hand already feels very posessive of me and very jealous of my H (who he knows). Bottom line i s he doesn't want s#x to ruin the chance of having me in his life for a very long time, he just isn't willing to sacrifice this amazing friendship we have.
Deep down I know he is right, but it is tearing me apart. Part ofthe reason our friendship has developed into something so close is because of what we have shared. How is it going to be possible to keep that closeness without the physical? And what about the physical attraction? I know I can't just turn that off, and I think he is kidding himself if he thinks he can. I keep thinking that all this bottling up of the s#xual energy is just asking for it to come bursting out (excuse the pun).
I guess the reason I am telling you this is because you haven't crossed the line yet. I won't tell you what to do, because I would rather feel all of this than nothing (which is what I feel with H) But I will tell you that if he is just as conflicted as my MM is, you are getting on an emotional rollercoaster. Everyday I go back and forth. . and the worst part is I don't want it to end. I don't ever want this man not to be in my life, but seeing him and not being able to really talk to him because there is always a spouse or kids in the room leaves me feeling so alone.
I hope that some of this helps you to think about where you will go with this. I know I ask myself these questions everyday. . How do I want MM in my life? Why am I so attracted to this person? Is he still thinking about me? Not easy questions to answer.
As far as some of the other posters, I just left another board because I was told some of the same stuff you were. Don't let it bother you. No one can truly understand you or the person you are involved with. I think they are trying very hard to help in their own way, but it is often clouded by their own personal mistakes and judgements. Only you truly know where the truth is in your situation.
Good Luck
No Strings
Is this the guy who masturbated on the phone, with you listening, in his home, where he lives with his wife?!!
Doll, this is not love! You really think you have the power to break up his marriage? Because of a kiss, and a phone call, and remarks he makes because he fancies you?
How old are you? Get out of that "head of yours" and back "out" into reality.
Edited 2/13/2004 4:42:55 PM ET by happygal71
Edited 2/13/2004 4:47:17 PM ET by happygal71
How are things hanging.
I have to admit your right on with your post.
Yank
Anyways, the point is, what do you really want out of this? A fantasy based relationship? Or a 'real' relationship? Its just that he's pushing your buttons, getting you going. Getting you so transfixed on him and forgetting about H (which after reading so much, I can't remember, were you happy with H or not?).
So, we are not trying to be mean to you, but just speaking as women who have taken it to the next level, be careful what you are doing.
He has real guilt issues here it seems. And if he is so 'noble' about his marriage (and don't take that as a slur against you), then why is he coming on to you anyways?
Take care,
Dusty
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