Need a shoulder

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-03-2003
Need a shoulder
25
Thu, 02-12-2004 - 7:18pm
Hi everyone. Most of you are familiar with my situation, so I won't bore you with the gory details -- just that I'm in an emotional A that's been going on for about nine months now. MM and I are both really fighting this and it's getting scary to me. Up until recently I used to blame MM for everything. He'd be really intense for a while, then back off suddenly. The closer we got (further we got toward intimacy in other words), the more he'd back away, but he'd always come back around. It drove me crazy...until I realized I pretty much NEED these down times or I start to freak out!

Last October we got really intense, then in Nov. he backed off but so did I. I just told myself that I was going to go away and let him be in his "cave," and I made myself busy for a couple of weeks. Indeed, it did seem to go a lot easier than when I got all clingy and needy while he was backed off. (That just pushes him further away, no surprise!) Then in December he got all intense again and due to circumstances, I gave him the impression that if he wanted sex, I was not going to stop him. That totally freaked him out and he backed way off...for exactly one day. But it scared me so much that I backed off too and basically we went into the holidays with me needing space in a major way. When we came back I was distant toward him but soon after we resumed our friendship and things were smooth for a while.

Okay, so now we're up to recently. About two weeks ago he started getting really intense. I fought it and fought it -- BELIEVE me -- but the more I fought, the more he came around. I tried to build his ego without crossing the line and thought I was in control and you know what? I was. But he continued to spin out of control until last Friday, when he tried to get me to kiss him and I said no. I knew it would freak him out and, to be honest with you, I knew it would freak ME out. But it didn't. He didn't stop talking to me or disappear for a couple of days. He continued to call and come around, more than ever, but he was just...different.

Not once this week has he told me I looked nice or said anything in any way flattering. He hasn't looked at me in that way that lets me know he loves me, he hasn't tried to touch me when no one's looking. I'm getting the distinct impression he's wanting me to chase him. Well, today I blew it in a BIG way. I was near his office when I overheard him talking to some friends about a sexy outfit his wife wore for him in the bedroom a few months back. Now, he KNEW I was in this nearby office (although he swears he didn't) and just that morning he'd had to listen to me talk about my V-day plans and he got this jealous look on his face. He didn't say anything, but he does this prideful act that I've come to recognize and it usually happens around the time he's needing to push me away. The sexy outfit comment really got to me, though, and I went to my office and called him and told him that bothered me. I know I shouldn't have, but I couldn't just stew on it all night. He said that yes, it would have bothered him to hear the same thing but surely I can't expect that he and his wife won't be doing that for V-day. Of course, that didn't HELP. I told him I know they will be but I'd rather not hear about it... He apologized and everything seemed fine, but afterward I totally lost it. I'm TERRIFIED right now, and I have been all week. Earlier this week I went two days without speaking to him -- I deliberately made myself too busy to. I think I'm in MY cave. Does that happen? I think today I deliberately pushed him away because hearing that about him and his wife made me suddenly realize that this isn't a dull marriage I'm possibly breaking up. This woman went to the trouble of buying something sexy and wearing it for him. She's GOOD to him. Sure, I'm younger and have a better body, but she's the mother of his child. If a woman who will do all that for him isn't enough to keep him from straying, what is?

I don't know... All this has just made me realize that I need this space every now and then. This is definitely headed toward getting physical and I feel so scared of it. I feel like I have to step back every now and then. But also, when he's treating me like I'm just another buddy, it's really hard on me. I'd rather not talk to him and remember him when he was sweet than to talk to him every day and have him look right through me. Am I crazy? This whole thing is just so complicated. I don't know what to do anymore except to try to stay away from him for a few days until my head's on straight again. But the question is, what do I do when I pass him in the hall at work? Because if I've learned anything from past experience, the more I try to avoid him, the more I run into him. (He starts coming around at the time he knows I'm usually in the hallway...) And what if he calls and asks why I haven't been around? Luckily we're heading into a three day weekend, so maybe I'll be better by Tuesday. I just feel pretty intrigued that all this time I've thought it was him when really it's coming from me too. I think I fear (from past experience) that he's going to hurt me so to prevent that from happening, I shut my heart off from him. Does anyone else go through this or am I just crazy? (Or both!)

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-02-2003
In reply to: lilah_iv
Fri, 02-13-2004 - 1:17pm
Lilah, don't let these few bad posts run you away from this board. I understand everything about your situation. I can SO relate to everything that you are going through. I don't think you are crazy. I just think that you are very much in love with your MM and in quite deep. It is all just so hard to deal with. I love my OM very much and I know that I am too attached to him. Please keep posting. I am here to be your friend.
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-03-2003
In reply to: lilah_iv
Fri, 02-13-2004 - 2:17pm
You know what, MM doesn't "refuse to accept" he has feelings for me. He's told me he has feelings for me, quite often, but it makes him feel guilty because...hmmm... Oh yeah, that's right, he made a vow in front of God and everyone he loves to love this woman he's married to for the rest of his life, FORESAKING ALL OTHERS. He throws himself into his church, forces himself to work on his marriage, tries to focus on work -- anything to keep himself from hurting his wife and little girl. If that's wrong, than so be it, but that's what I love about him. He hasn't kissed me since October and before that, July. Only a few times did we kiss and it threw him into a huge tailspin because, yeah, you got it, that MARRIED thing again. We are both married to wonderful people we can't bear to hurt but these feelings are only getting stronger. Maybe we'll never sleep together. God, I HOPE we never do, if you want to know the truth. I've seen the emotions that come after IC and it's not pretty. But I have a feeling it's inevitable and when it does finally happen, yes, I'll probably come here and "write a novel" about it. As for tossing him aside and finding someone else, I don't know how many times I have to say this on here, but I DON'T WANT TO HAVE AN AFFAIR. It's not about finding what's missing in my life or discovering my sexuality or anything like that. It's about falling in love with a man I can't have. I'm not going to go find some guy who will jump into bed with me without giving it a second thought. If you want to believe he's a player, then so be it, but you've never met him and I don't think, despite my novels I apparently post on here, that I've adequately captured the wonderful things he does for me, the way he looks at me like I'm the most beautiful creature on earth, the way he makes me feel special every time I'm around him, even if we're just talking small-talk. Yes, he's playing games but it's not to mess with my mind. It's to push me away because he can't deal with his feelings and how do I know this? Because I'm doing the exact same thing. All day I've been practically running to escape him and he's hurting, I can see it. But I can't do anything to stop it because I just need space. We all handle things the way we think best, but none of us on here is any better than any others. We're all wrong. We're all sinning. Heck, we'd be sinning even if we weren't having As. If this A exists only in my mind, then at least the only person I'm hurting is myself and, you know what? It's actually a whole heck of a lot of fun in this head of mine. I'm about 99% sure it's more fun imagining what will happen than if I were doing the deed in reality...
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-03-2003
In reply to: lilah_iv
Fri, 02-13-2004 - 2:30pm
You pretty much captured it, phillygirl. And, yeah, I'm well aware that MM has issues with being addicted to love. He has been married to W for 10 years and I know good and well that if I leave H for him, I'll be lucky to get 10 years out of him, unless he's just getting so old he won't care anymore! I have little doubt that if this keeps going, eventually we're going to be together if that's what I want. The question is, WHAT DO I WANT? I don't really know... Some of you may disagree but there are things that I haven't posted on here (believe it or not!) about him that pretty much confirm that. The thing you all can't see is that this man is totally not good enough for me in so many ways. I could do SO much better (and HAVE...H is much better looking and a much better person). But MM makes me laugh, he makes me happy, and he brings me to life in a way no one ever has. As for a talk about not getting physical -- we had that talk. And he's honored my wishes mostly, except for a lapse where he wanted to kiss me last Friday. I said no and I really think it hurt his pride. I think that's what this week is about. This morning he came into my office while I was out and turned every single thing in it upside-down. I was sure he'd be mad at me for getting jealous of his wife yesterday, but here he was leaving his mark. If that's all we can ever have -- just me being his buddy he picks on and flirts with -- then I'm really not all that upset about it. It certainly beats cheap sex in the stairwell where afterward he doesn't speak to me for a month because he feels so guilty... I've repeatedly told him that if it means an end to our friendship, I don't want it, period. I'd rather have him as a friend than nothing at all, even if our NC only goes on for a few weeks.

And thank you, Southerngirl, and everyone else who stepped up to let me know that the whole board isn't united in being annoyed by my very existence!

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-28-2003
In reply to: lilah_iv
Fri, 02-13-2004 - 2:39pm
HI Lilah

First I want to say that I am sorry if I offended you by my post it was not my intention to do so.

I was not suggesting that you are crazy or sick or anything like that.

If you really want not to have an affair with MM then you need to stop the imaging it in your mind , theres an old saying that says were the mind goes the body will follow.

You need to help MM be true to his vows and you to yours by letting him know you are not prepared to destroy his M or yours for any reason at all, If he is the good man you see him as then he deserves your help in doing what is right for him and good for you.

JMHO

Free

P.S If you would like to talk here is a e-mail address I check daily elbrya@hotmail.com

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-24-2003
In reply to: lilah_iv
Fri, 02-13-2004 - 2:49pm
Lilah, hon, I am old enough to be your father and I do have some experience that comes with age. I am not judging you nor am I trying to demean your feelings, I am sure they are real. I am seriously questioning his, though, he's been playing a "come hither - go away" with you for about 8 months now if I am not mistaken. It just doesn't look to me like he is going through any angst and torture. You, on the other hand, are obviously very invested in this emotionally and if it really is a game for him and at some point he decides to stop it you will end up deeply hurt and heartbroken.

If I sounded a bit harsh in my original post I apologize. I do not "hate" you and I am not "against" you even though I have to admit that I do not like his behavior and he just doesn't strike me as being genuine and sincere.

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-31-2004
In reply to: lilah_iv
Fri, 02-13-2004 - 2:52pm
I disagree with what you said
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-19-2003
In reply to: lilah_iv
Fri, 02-13-2004 - 4:02pm
Hi Lilah,

I have never posted on this board, but i feel like I am in a situation that is just one step ahead of yours. I have been married for 13 years and am involved in an EMA with a MM (neighbor). We have become very close friends in the past 6 months and flirting very dangerously. Then right around Thanksgiving, we kissed for the first time. For the next few weeks, we did everything but the "deed"- it was getting very hot on my side of town!

Two weeks ago he sat me down and told me we couldn't actually have the s#x. He said he was crazy about me, couldn't stop thinking about me, and really wanted to. . . .however he is not capable of getting involved with me and not having feelings, and he knows I can't either. He said he could already tell just be kissing me that I was giving him more than a good time, I was giving him a piece of me. He on the other hand already feels very posessive of me and very jealous of my H (who he knows). Bottom line i s he doesn't want s#x to ruin the chance of having me in his life for a very long time, he just isn't willing to sacrifice this amazing friendship we have.

Deep down I know he is right, but it is tearing me apart. Part ofthe reason our friendship has developed into something so close is because of what we have shared. How is it going to be possible to keep that closeness without the physical? And what about the physical attraction? I know I can't just turn that off, and I think he is kidding himself if he thinks he can. I keep thinking that all this bottling up of the s#xual energy is just asking for it to come bursting out (excuse the pun).

I guess the reason I am telling you this is because you haven't crossed the line yet. I won't tell you what to do, because I would rather feel all of this than nothing (which is what I feel with H) But I will tell you that if he is just as conflicted as my MM is, you are getting on an emotional rollercoaster. Everyday I go back and forth. . and the worst part is I don't want it to end. I don't ever want this man not to be in my life, but seeing him and not being able to really talk to him because there is always a spouse or kids in the room leaves me feeling so alone.

I hope that some of this helps you to think about where you will go with this. I know I ask myself these questions everyday. . How do I want MM in my life? Why am I so attracted to this person? Is he still thinking about me? Not easy questions to answer.

As far as some of the other posters, I just left another board because I was told some of the same stuff you were. Don't let it bother you. No one can truly understand you or the person you are involved with. I think they are trying very hard to help in their own way, but it is often clouded by their own personal mistakes and judgements. Only you truly know where the truth is in your situation.

Good Luck

No Strings

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-06-2003
In reply to: lilah_iv
Fri, 02-13-2004 - 4:41pm
I've been reading your posts for some time now and I think the majority here telling you to see this for what it really is are quite right. (Even Free, hey Free, it's me, britty!!)

Is this the guy who masturbated on the phone, with you listening, in his home, where he lives with his wife?!!

Doll, this is not love! You really think you have the power to break up his marriage? Because of a kiss, and a phone call, and remarks he makes because he fancies you?

How old are you? Get out of that "head of yours" and back "out" into reality.








Edited 2/13/2004 4:42:55 PM ET by happygal71


Edited 2/13/2004 4:47:17 PM ET by happygal71

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-28-2003
In reply to: lilah_iv
Fri, 02-13-2004 - 6:53pm
HI Britty

How are things hanging.

I have to admit your right on with your post.

Yank

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-09-2003
In reply to: lilah_iv
Fri, 02-13-2004 - 7:35pm
Hi Lilah. I'm sorry if I upset you with my post, but I didn't mean to. But wasn't it your guy who had phone sex with you and felt guitly? And I tried to look back thru the posts and couldn't find it, so correct me if I'm wrong. But was it your guy who rented a room and then chickened out once you were there?

Anyways, the point is, what do you really want out of this? A fantasy based relationship? Or a 'real' relationship? Its just that he's pushing your buttons, getting you going. Getting you so transfixed on him and forgetting about H (which after reading so much, I can't remember, were you happy with H or not?).

So, we are not trying to be mean to you, but just speaking as women who have taken it to the next level, be careful what you are doing.

He has real guilt issues here it seems. And if he is so 'noble' about his marriage (and don't take that as a slur against you), then why is he coming on to you anyways?

Take care,

Dusty
xxxx