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| Thu, 02-12-2004 - 7:18pm |
Last October we got really intense, then in Nov. he backed off but so did I. I just told myself that I was going to go away and let him be in his "cave," and I made myself busy for a couple of weeks. Indeed, it did seem to go a lot easier than when I got all clingy and needy while he was backed off. (That just pushes him further away, no surprise!) Then in December he got all intense again and due to circumstances, I gave him the impression that if he wanted sex, I was not going to stop him. That totally freaked him out and he backed way off...for exactly one day. But it scared me so much that I backed off too and basically we went into the holidays with me needing space in a major way. When we came back I was distant toward him but soon after we resumed our friendship and things were smooth for a while.
Okay, so now we're up to recently. About two weeks ago he started getting really intense. I fought it and fought it -- BELIEVE me -- but the more I fought, the more he came around. I tried to build his ego without crossing the line and thought I was in control and you know what? I was. But he continued to spin out of control until last Friday, when he tried to get me to kiss him and I said no. I knew it would freak him out and, to be honest with you, I knew it would freak ME out. But it didn't. He didn't stop talking to me or disappear for a couple of days. He continued to call and come around, more than ever, but he was just...different.
Not once this week has he told me I looked nice or said anything in any way flattering. He hasn't looked at me in that way that lets me know he loves me, he hasn't tried to touch me when no one's looking. I'm getting the distinct impression he's wanting me to chase him. Well, today I blew it in a BIG way. I was near his office when I overheard him talking to some friends about a sexy outfit his wife wore for him in the bedroom a few months back. Now, he KNEW I was in this nearby office (although he swears he didn't) and just that morning he'd had to listen to me talk about my V-day plans and he got this jealous look on his face. He didn't say anything, but he does this prideful act that I've come to recognize and it usually happens around the time he's needing to push me away. The sexy outfit comment really got to me, though, and I went to my office and called him and told him that bothered me. I know I shouldn't have, but I couldn't just stew on it all night. He said that yes, it would have bothered him to hear the same thing but surely I can't expect that he and his wife won't be doing that for V-day. Of course, that didn't HELP. I told him I know they will be but I'd rather not hear about it... He apologized and everything seemed fine, but afterward I totally lost it. I'm TERRIFIED right now, and I have been all week. Earlier this week I went two days without speaking to him -- I deliberately made myself too busy to. I think I'm in MY cave. Does that happen? I think today I deliberately pushed him away because hearing that about him and his wife made me suddenly realize that this isn't a dull marriage I'm possibly breaking up. This woman went to the trouble of buying something sexy and wearing it for him. She's GOOD to him. Sure, I'm younger and have a better body, but she's the mother of his child. If a woman who will do all that for him isn't enough to keep him from straying, what is?
I don't know... All this has just made me realize that I need this space every now and then. This is definitely headed toward getting physical and I feel so scared of it. I feel like I have to step back every now and then. But also, when he's treating me like I'm just another buddy, it's really hard on me. I'd rather not talk to him and remember him when he was sweet than to talk to him every day and have him look right through me. Am I crazy? This whole thing is just so complicated. I don't know what to do anymore except to try to stay away from him for a few days until my head's on straight again. But the question is, what do I do when I pass him in the hall at work? Because if I've learned anything from past experience, the more I try to avoid him, the more I run into him. (He starts coming around at the time he knows I'm usually in the hallway...) And what if he calls and asks why I haven't been around? Luckily we're heading into a three day weekend, so maybe I'll be better by Tuesday. I just feel pretty intrigued that all this time I've thought it was him when really it's coming from me too. I think I fear (from past experience) that he's going to hurt me so to prevent that from happening, I shut my heart off from him. Does anyone else go through this or am I just crazy? (Or both!)

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Hugs to you, and you have at least one "shoulder" here - mine!
CM
My MM would like yours come on really strong and then get guilty and back off I tell him I understood and it was over for a while and then he chase me again. What I say to you is dont cross the line, I know its hard but it will only lead to heartache. looking back I think my MM would be an excellent fisherman as just like one he reeled me in then let the line slacken off a bit and then reeled me in further. We arranged to meet once and he didn't turn up, drove to the arrange place but left, because he was trying to fight what he felt. I beleive he loved me (we were teenage sweetheart) and I did him but and I saw the conflict he went through because of the guilt he felt. His wife found out about the affair but it continued and he came close to leaving his marriage but when it came down to it the guilt won and he stayed with his family and I am left to pick up the pieces as of course is his wife. We both fought our feelings and tried not to get sexually involved but we fell in love and that what you do when you love someone.
No one else can judge you they have no right they are not in your situation but from someone whos been there for your own sake try to walk away from it. Wish I had listened to my friends who tried to warn me off.
This is a support board, a place you can feel free to vent and tell your story as much as you want and as long as you want . There will always be some people who want to be negative ...........but you will also find many friends .
I understand your pain because my MM in a way does what yours does ( although we have sex ) He will call me , making me feel like he cares about me , that he is thinking about me , that he misses me . He will ask if I miss him and when I start to feel close to him , he backs off .Doesn't call or email for weeks . Then if I email him is everything ok because I haven't heard from you in awhile .......... he will email me or call me sorry I haven't been in touch . Keep in touch for a bit and again go away . I told him I will not put up with this . If he can't be a friend and keep in touch at least once or twice a week then maybe this A should end ......well it has been a week I am still waiting for his answer .I will give him a month to think about what I had to say , how I felt this A should be . If I don't hear from him I will email him to say - well I haven't heard from you , so I take it this A is over . if that is what you wanted , all you have to do is say so !
I know he will apologize again for not calling/emailing so long ....well this time apology will not be accepted .
If he doesn't change his ways with me , he is so history !! I am not just a booty call and if he can't also be a friend , then never mind . But I understand your frustration . These games they play ;-( why ?? geez can't they make up their minds or they want a friendship or they don't !! Funny my MM says he likes older women because they know what they want and no BS .....but yet he can't seem to make up his mind . Like he wants me , but he is scared that he is developing emotions towards me and he can't handle that so he backs off .but then he misses me ...go figure men !! ;-)
Maybe after you do have sex with him maybe you won't even want him anymore ;-)
I know it isn't my place to say leave him , you deserve better then that because my MM isn't any better and I haven't exactly ended it .but I am coming close to it . Today V- day no email wishing me Happy V-day .tomorrow is my B-day , if no Happy Birthday from him I will be pissed . The more he pisses me off , the closer this will come to an end .even though the sex is the best ever !!
Anyways nice to read your posts and stories . Hope you will find the answers , keep us posted ;- )
xoxo ViperDiva
LOL I like you Yank!
Britty
I think nither of us has much use for people we can walk over.
See ya
Yank
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