Need some advice please

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-24-2003
Need some advice please
3
Fri, 10-24-2003 - 6:43pm
Hello. I could use some advice. I am 27 years old, married for a little more than 2 years. My husband and I dated for about 7 years prior to getting married, but we never lived together. Now that we do live together, I realize this is not the right relationship for me. I keep trying to stick it out b/c I don't want to hurt him, but it's making me miserable. He simply isn't meeting my emotional, spiritual, or mental needs. And, I've become "involved" with another man whom I really like, though it's still in the initial stages so there's no pressure. However, pre-the new man, I decided my husband and I should at least separate. Now I'm sure of it. But how do I go about suggesting it/telling him? I WILL NOT tell him that there is another person . . . our problems came about before this other person, but I am unhappy. I've always done what has made everyone else happy, and I'm realizing it's okay for me to make myself happy - - the only problem is that I'll be hurting someone I deeply care for. Any advice on how to do this with the least amount of pain possible? I'd truly appreciate it.
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-09-2003
Wed, 10-29-2003 - 8:18am
whatever you do will cause someone pain. sorry

Laugh Smiles

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-03-2003
Wed, 10-29-2003 - 8:47am
I think you should just suggest you need some time apart to sort out your thoughts. Go stay with your mom or something for a while, then when the time is right tell him you won't be coming home. It's kind of like that old joke about the guy who tells his neighbor his cat died and the neighbor said he should have let him down easily by lying to him and saying the first day the cat fell off the roof, the next day that the cat is not doing well, etc... It's not going to be easy no matter how you do it, but just moving out for a little while and staying with someone else is a good transition phase for him. I've known people whose spouses just walked in one day and said, "I don't want to be married to you anymore. I'm leaving." That's very traumatic, to take someone from one day thinking life was fine to the next having everything around them fall apart. Yes, I'm sure there have been warning signs that this is coming but a lot of people are in denial and don't notice things aren't 100% right in the marriage until it's too late. Anyway, be prepared for him to beg for you to stay, for him possibly to suggest marital counseling or in some other way working it out. If you're not prepared to absolutely refuse those ideas, maybe you should reconsider leaving and work on the marriage first.
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-29-2003
Wed, 10-29-2003 - 9:28pm
Thank you for your advice. You are correct that things have not been good for some time, and that's my fault for not having the courage to state that earlier (say like, before we got married). And I'm confused as to who's happiness I should be more concerned with, mine or my husband's. I love him terribly, just not as "romantically" as I once did. But I think you gave me some excellent ideas and situations to consider. Thank you.