Need some guidance..
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| Mon, 05-10-2010 - 11:28am |
Hi all,
As i've mentioned before - i had not encountered any squirrels in a while. Well, until now.
AP and i had an ugly exchange last week. He was in a bad mood and stressed out over an upcoming work event. I felt neglected. We had previously been away together and i thought that should've made him happy, but when we got back, he got so involved in his work thing that i felt ignored. Ok, he didn't ignore me but he didn't shower me with affection either. So i got mad. And i told him to leave me alone.
Then He got mad that I said that. Apparently he had felt quite good after his event was over and he was finally able to relax, and then i upset him by saying to leave me alone, that he didn't care for me, etc. Then a day went by without no talking, which means he's really upset. Ok, so i tried to apologize but he kept his distance. And then i stopped trying.
2 days went by and here we are and he isn't making an attempt to talk to me and neither am i. Well, it hurts! But i don't plan to be the one running back to him asking him to talk to me! As i said i already tried to apologize. I have a feeling that he thinks i meant the "leave me alone", ie. that i pushed him away and didn't want him around anymore. And i think that's what pissed him off.
I am not sure what to do - do i try to reach out again or do i let it be? I can do either but want to do what is right.
Thanks for any advice,
Sunshine
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I don't know Sunshine - it's so hard to know the right thing to do. You know him better than we do, so you would know better what to do!
I will say that when you think someone is angry with you, "reflecting feelings" usually bursts their anger bubble, deflates it, and makes them feel "understood". For instance, if you think he's angry because you took away the pleasure he had from successfully completing his event and finally being able to relax, you might say something like "I think I made you feel bad, when you were feeling so good and ready to relax". You would be "reflecting" exactly what he was feeling and he would realize that you understood him, and the anger just kind of dissolves when that happens. Then you could explain your feelings using "I" statements, not "you" statements. "I was feeling neglected" not "you made me feel neglected". "You" statements cause anger and defensiveness. "I" statements are simply sharing your feelings.
Not sure this is helpful or not, but I do hope whatever you decide to do, that it goes well!
You've got a lot of choices. If getting out of bed in the morning is a chore and you're not smiling on a regular basis, try another choice. ~Steven D. Woodhull
Proud to be a
You've
thanks lexi - yes it does help.
But why do i feel like maybe HE should be the one to run over here and say "hey look i'm sorry i mage you feel neglected." Instead, he just gets mad at ME for making him feel bad by telling him to leave me alone once he was finally able to relax. Deep down i know that he did not make me feel neglected and that i just wanted MORE attention than he could've given considering the situation.
UGGHH. I don't want to "give up the power" so to speak and appear as the weak one. I know, this sounds lame.
Time to grow up?
Sunshine
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Sunshine
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Thanks - I agree.
The dynamics of an A are different from a "real" relationship due to the circumstances surrounding it. And of course there are SO many types of A's.
What works for me is to try to hold on the as much power as i can - ie. not to beg or plead or to diminish my needs and wants. I think men in general respect women who have a backbone and don't allow you to walk all over them. Actually i think we all respect that. Having said that, it is good to know when we are wrong and to admit it in a dignified manner.
Sunshine
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