Need some help here

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-27-2003
Need some help here
4
Mon, 10-27-2003 - 10:33pm
Ok I have been reading this message board for quite awhile now and can see how much my situation seems to mirror others and I am so glad I have found it.

I am in an A with a MM and I am M also. This has been going on for 2+ years but just this past May have we realized how much we mean to each other and since then has been getting deeper and deeper and deeper. We say ILY to each other all the time. I know he is my soulmate and wish we could be together. We spend some lunches and most everyday after work together plus get out every few weeks on a Friday and have even been able to spend a long evening in a hotel. We both have kids me 2 him 1 and he has many reasons why he cannot leave his W which I understand as much as I want to be with him I dont know if I could leave my H and the kids even though I would want to very badly. This past Friday we went out and had a wonderful time on Sat apparently he got in a massive fight with his W now has not told me everything yet but did tell me he pushed it word wise and I think was trying to see if he could really do it and start the ball rolling so we could be together. Now he couldn't and we talked briefly via email Sat night then he called me Sunday and we talked again via email Sun night. I went into work today excited to see him like I always do but knowing he was still kinda bummed. Now for my problem (s). Friday night we had some pretty good and heated discussions and it came down to having sex with our significante others and so on and so forth and we worked through them or I thought. Now my H and I have a few parties to go to next Saturday and he is having a hard time with this cause (1)he wants to be the one going with me (2) he know that when alcahol gets involved so will sex. Now we both have admited (which he suprised me by telling me this) to kinda shying away and avoiding having sex with W & H but he knows Sat is a pretty good probability that it will happen as much as I dont want it to happen with H it probably will but I dont want to say this to him and today he started turnin his mood on me and now it seems he is mad at me. I have so many emotions going through me cause I dont want to hurt him but he is hurting me. He is not being fair to me what am I suppose to do what does he expect from me. Then when I try to talk to him he gets this attitude which i know he always gets but today for the first time in a long time he left work without saying goodbye to me then when i tried to call him on the way home he didnt even answer...that drives me absolutly nuts its like his way or no way and the only way i can ever get through to him is face to face talking but to get there takes so much energy that im not sure i have it all the time. I love him dearly and do want to spend the rest of my life with him but his moods swings I swear are worse than a woman's. I guess I am just venting and rereading through this dont know if i need advice or what but like right now I am waiting for his emails back we usually talk around now and he still has not answered and I bet he wont tellin me some reason or another why he couldnt. What a fun week this will be its only Monday and hes pissy about what may or may not happen sat. Thanks for listening to me sorry for the length.

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-23-2003
Tue, 10-28-2003 - 7:18am
KK - I think that the two of you are confused about what is fantasy and what is reality here. Expecting eachother to not engage in sexual activities with your HUSBAND or WIFE is almost insane to me...it's just not realistic. It's not realistic if you plan to stay married forever or indefinately...You cant expect to hold the reigns on someone 24/7 that you are only committed to on a part-time basis...


There is nothing easy about dealing with the emotional struggles of an EMA but reality is reality and it is what it is...best advise I can give to each of you is to not concentrate on what each of you is doing in your marriages or when you aren't together...cherish the time you do have and roll those memories through your mind when you are apart instead of focusing on what the other is doing with their spouse....

*hugs*

cl-liberalgirl

callmeliberal@hotmail.com

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-03-2003
Tue, 10-28-2003 - 8:34am
Your MM sounds SOOOOOOOO much like mine. It's really eerie. I guess it didn't surprise me he had a temper, but the first time I saw it it caught me off guard. It's not that he yells or shows anger -- he just gets this cold sound to his voice and then he shuts me off. But MY MM recovers very quickly from his tantrums, and yours could be the same. He'll throw all this out there, then stomp off and later come back acting like nothing happened. Meanwhile he's thrown me into a whirlwind of emotions... He hasn't pulled that crap for a while, thank goodness, but I've learned what NOT to do from these few temper tantrums. I never say anything that might make him jealous, not even telling him if guys whistle at me or look at me on the street. In your case, it probably would be wise to avoid discussing sexual relations with your husband in any form. Honestly, I'm the same way as your MM is about this subject. I know MM has sex with his wife, and it's GOOD sex, but I don't want to hear about it. He honors my request for the most part. He's told me repeatedly it doesn't bother him for me to talk about it, yet if I get into too much detail he gets that same irritated look in his eye. The behavior your MM was exhibiting yesterday is CLASSIC hurt man syndrome. I recognized it in my MM right away. They shut down because they don't want to allow you to hurt them. It's a lot easier to turn that phone off and say "I'll show HER" than to speak to you and deal with the problem. But now that he's had time to cool off and think about things, he might be better. If not, all you can do is wait patiently until he's ready to come back to you. If he wants to talk to you but is still being a mule's-butt, just try to reassure him how much he means to you and talk about the future, when you'll be together. Let him know that no matter what happens, he's still first in your thoughts (even if you know he probably won't be when you're intimate with H). He needs that ego, to know that HE's your main man, not H.
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-22-2003
Tue, 10-28-2003 - 10:13am
I have to agree with most that you say lilah. MM and I have been together for four years, and it still bothers MM that H and I still have to do things together. Probably just as much as MM and his W doing things bothers me. What really hit me, is that here I am, trying to avoid doing anything with H when in February MM's W found out that she was pregnant. It bothered me, but I knew that she'd probably want another baby. Their son is going to be six. He's told me that they were down to once or twice a month, just the same as me and H. If I were to believe that MM and his W didn't do anythng together, I would be stupid.
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-27-2003
Tue, 10-28-2003 - 9:54pm
Thank you everyone for responding although things are still not going well....i think he is starting to pull back and it is really hurting me but i cannot push him to do anything cause that would not be right.

Liberal,

No we do know fantasy from reality he knows it happens just as i do but wish it didnt but know is always will. Now I dont ask but he does and i just cant lie to him and he doesnt want me to either its just that he hates hearing it so i wish he would quit asking. Thank you for your comments.....

Lilah i so know what you are talking about he does not raise his voice or get physical either its that i dont care attitude that just drives me nuts...i cannot stand it cause i know he really cares. See now the jealousy thing is something i dont have to worry about actually he loves to watch me hit on someone or have someone hit on me....and that is part of what we are arguing about right now is that i am talking and flirting with a guy at lunch and this guy kissed me and he thinks he pushed me to start flirtin with this guy...to your comment about him cooling off no it is probably worse than ever right now i just cant seem to get through to him and i feel if i just say fine whatever you say then he will come back at me saying what dont you care stuff like that i tell you ive been wondering all day what i got myself into but then i think back to the hotel and friday night and it all comes back that i dont want to give him up i love him way to much...