need some help please...

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-21-2004
need some help please...
5
Sat, 02-21-2004 - 11:09pm
i need some help, support, advice or someone to listen. my h and i have been married for almost 10 yrs,together for almost 12. we have 3 children ( 7,6,3). we have been growing further and further apart...he almost never initiates sex (its been months & months!)and is emotionally unavailable. he's 48, i'm 34. h is great with our children but we are like roomates.

i have a male friend that i have been very attracted to for years. he is aware of my situation. we have always flirted, nothing more. we were talking about my marraige one day & he said he thought it was a difficult situation. he said if i could not get what i needed in my marraige maybe i should look outside... on dec 29th we crossed the line from flirtation to physical. we meet when we can & it is usally rushed. we have not had sex but it is leading there...

i feel thrilled, sexy & vibrant one minute, scared and guilty the next. i am really torn and do not know what to do. i am afraid to lose my children. i feel like i should be working harder on my m but, i do not *feel* anything for h... what is wrong with me? have i given up prematurely b/c of the affair?

my friend has said this is about having "fun" together and has no desire to ever marry & or commit to a relationship. i am having a hard time keeping my feelings in check and just having "fun". at the same time i want to spend more time with him. i enjoy the time we spend together. is it wrong to want phyiscal contact & affection? to be desired? i cannot stay here with a man that never touches me....... does that make me a sex addict??? i am so very sorry to just come onto your board and dump all this stuff... i really do not have anyone i can talk to about this tonight and i am so miserable. my h is @ work, the kids are sleeping and i am feeling alone and confused and guilty...

j
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-28-2003
Sat, 02-21-2004 - 11:25pm
HI Sag

Your needs are normal enough so don't worry on that front.

I think you should have no delusions about this so called friend of yours, he's in it for the meat period, if you can handle that great if not reconsider if he is the one you want to get emotionaly involved with.

As you have already started to learn Affairs are very hard things to live with for many that are involved with them, the ride tends to get very rough with the highs and the lows, most A end in time because the highs stop being so high and the lows just keep getting lower.

If possable you should get your husband into MC WITH YOU, if he refuses then consider a legal seperation, if this fails to get his attention then maybe you need to consider exiting the marrage, easy for me to say hard for you to do I know.

Your not helping the kids by staying in a unhappy M and the blow up from haveing your husband find out about your A could do them real harm.

I suggest that you think long and hard before you take this any farther , is it worth it for you.

You have a sexless marrage do you want a loveless affair?

GOOD LUCK

FREE

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-17-2004
Sun, 02-22-2004 - 9:20am
I am like your husband too, I don't initiate sex either. I am not very sexually oriented person either and I have refused sex with my husband many a time. It doesn't mean a thing except that you have clashing libidos, or other sex related problems. If that is why yo u are seeking the tryst with this friend, I would suggest sexual counseling. Your friend is going to offer only sex with no strings attached. JMHO
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-21-2004
Sun, 02-22-2004 - 6:20pm
Thank you both for your replies. after reading your posts i did a lot of thinking last night. i realized that he really is *not* a friend and is taking advantage of the situation & decided that i cannot let this continue into a full-blown A. if we had strong emotional ties or loved one another that would be one thing...i just cannot do sex as just a phsyical thing -- i need the emotional aspect too. I spoke with h this morning when he came home from work & told him that we need to work on this or separate b/c it is not healthy for any of us. we are going to see a marriage counsellor this week. i did not mention the situation w/ my "friend" & do not plan to. thank you both for your input. i wish all of you well with your situations.
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-17-2004
Sun, 02-22-2004 - 6:39pm
sagicorpio I admire you for taking this step. I think its the best for you and your family. I am glad we here on the A board were able to help "fix" a marriage. good luck!
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-28-2003
Sun, 02-22-2004 - 6:57pm
HI Sag

Thats a good decision, you need to take care of your long term health and happyness for your sake and the kids were ever that leads M OR D.

GOOD LUCK TO YOU ALL

FREE