Need some input please

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-19-2003
Need some input please
9
Mon, 01-05-2004 - 3:43pm
Hi! I doubt you remember me, but I posted a couple of times in November because I was/am pretty unhappy in my M and was (am?) interested in starting A with someone. I felt funny about posting to this board because I'm not in an A, and I feel funny about it now because I'm sort of asking you to betray your secrets, but you were all so warm and welcoming and helpful that I thought I'd take a chance and ask your advice...

Well, obviously there are problems in my M, and over the last month I've started to wonder more and more if H is already having an affair. There is a woman he began sharing an office with a few months ago. At first, he'd talk about her occasionally, but it was mostly in a negative way ("She's so annoying."). Over the last few weeks, though, he's started talking about her more often and in a less critical way (but not in a "She's so great" way), and I've begun to wonder if he could be having an A with her. I am very confused because I am a pretty jealous and paranoid person anyway, so I have to question whether or not he actually talks about her more than anyone else he's shared an office with (or more than I've ever talked about someone I shared an office with), or if it's just in my imagination...but they always say one of the biggest signs your spouse is in an A is your own gut feeling, so maybe it's a gut feeling and not paranoia that I'm experiencing. And speaking of signs, I've looked at those lists of things to look for, but H would never be stupid enough to call someone from home or from his cell phone or to leave notes in his pocket, etc., so I haven't been able to find any evidence if he is having A, and it's been driving me more and more crazy...

So what I want to ask you is 1) If you are/were having an A with a co-worker, would you talk to your spouse about that person, or would you do the opposite and never bring them up (due to guilt or something)? 2) If you did talk about the person, would you tell your spouse that he/she annoys you (maybe to throw them off or something)? 3) Are there any other signs I can look for? 4) If your spouse confronted you about your A and you didn't want to end your M but wanted to continue to hide the A, how would you react? Would you be casual? Would you laugh off their accusations? Would you take the offensive? I guess it would be especially helpful to hear from those of you who (for whatever reason) don't want to end your M or your A (i.e., from people who might be feeling the same way as my H). I hope I'm not offending anyone by posting these questions to this board, but I would really like to know if I am right because I don't think that's fair to me, and I'd really like to know if I am wrong because I don't think that's fair to H.

Thanks!

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-24-2003
Mon, 01-05-2004 - 4:59pm

Hi sanshop,


Not quite sure where to start on this one... but firstly I'll start at being caught out in my affair... while I had many marriage problems and to an extent wanted to just walk away from it all... I knew that I hadn't allowed DH or even myself to give it our best shot... so when confronted with my affair and too much knowledge... I simply accpeted my actions and shrugged my shoulders.

Sweet
Co-Community Leader My

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-19-2003
Tue, 01-06-2004 - 2:47pm
Thanks for the response, Sweet. But what I don't get is why people deny it when they're confronted by their SO. I mean, if you're in an A, you must be pretty unhappy in your M (or other relationship), so why go on with it? Or at least that's what I keep telling myself about my H--if he really is having an A, why wouldn't he just admit it so he could move on with that person?
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Tue, 01-06-2004 - 3:00pm
hey sanshop -- let me jump in here.

most people in As DO NOT want to leave their present Rs, whether a marriage or long-term like mine. the A is filling in some void/hole that the R/M isn't. and usually it's fun and games, not a permanent head-over-heels i'm-in-love type of R. as sweet says, when confronted with stay or leave, almost everyone in an A will choose to stay and try to work out the problems in the R/M because the known (R/M) is much more comfortable than the unknown (new R or being single). that's not always true, some people do leave and may end up with the person they were having the A with, but the odds are stacked against those Rs being successful. most people don't walk away from the kids, the money, the house, the upset/confusion/starting over issues, they just don't!

gurl

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-19-2003
Tue, 01-06-2004 - 3:12pm
Thanks for explaining that, gurl! So how can I find out whether or not I'm right? As I said, H is too smart not to cover his tracks if he is having an A. At this point, I feel like I should just end my M since I have no way of knowing. Otherwise, how pathetic am I to stay in M when I think H is having an A????
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Tue, 01-06-2004 - 3:34pm

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-04-2003
Tue, 01-06-2004 - 8:30pm
I was just wondering sanshop and this isn't meant to be in anyway mean. Could you at all be feeling guilty about thinking of having an A yourself and now are seeing things that aren't there? I only ask because from experience I've seen things that weren't really happening. Feeling the guilt of my wrong doings or thoughts and then thinking that my now Xh or Xb/f was doing those things or thinking of doing them. You said that you were/are unhappy in your M, right? If that is the case, then maybe you are just looking for a reason to get out. Your H having an A would give you a good reason to give up. I don't know, these are just my thoughts, since I've done these things myself. The MM I was having the A with used to tell me that he thought his W might be having an A. I told him he was full of it, that he just wished it because then he wouldn't feel as bad. Oh, but when my now XH would try and confront me about having an A I would deny, deny, deny. I would say things like, if I wanted to be with someone else I wouldn't be here. I would just leave. I would sometimes get angry, but rarely, because I thought if I over reacted too much that would look odd. My XH never would have known, but I told on myself, after I left. So unless you catch him in the act or she calls and rats on him, if he doesn't want you to know, he could make it pretty hard for you to really know for sure. BUT! Like I said, maybe you are just seeing things that aren't there, guilt. Just something to think about. You could be right on the money. Sorry if this just confused you or upset you, wasn't ment to do either.
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-28-2003
Tue, 01-06-2004 - 8:38pm
Hi San

Gurl gave you real first class advice.

I would only add one thing, No babies tell you know that you are out of the woods in terms of your M , if things are truly bad a seperation my be required.

FREE

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-19-2003
Wed, 01-07-2004 - 3:09pm
Thanks so much to all of you. You always provide such thoughtful, honest and caring responses, and I really appreciate that. I'm still not sure where I stand/what to do though. No, I'm not sure that I don't love H anymore, gurl...I do know that I'd like for things to work out and for us to be happy together, but there are a couple of reasons I'm not sure that's possible (one of them being my fear of trusting him). And, jdreamer, you are not being mean at all--I have been wondering about that myself--that maybe I am feeling this way as a result of feelings of guilt about wishing I was the one having an A...Or maybe I am looking for a reason to end my M...Or maybe my self-esteem is so low and I'm feeling so insecure, that I think, "Why wouldn't he want another woman?" or that I'm testing H's love for me by telling him I can't put up with the doubt anymore. I didn't want to say anything to H about my suspicions (at least not yet), but I blurted it out about a week ago. I said it in a joking way, trying to make light of it, but H got so angry that I thought (think?) it must be true--he seemed so defensive. He has accused me of being interested in this friend of ours, and whenever he does I have to laugh because it is so ludicrous (I'm not attracted to this guy at all.), so I keep wondering why he got so angry. I asked him about it, and he said that it makes him mad that I would think that, when our child and I mean everything to him and that he would never do anything to screw all that up. I still felt (feel?) unsure and like I might be a fool to believe him, but I am also the kind of person that believes that you have to respect that someone may react very differently to something than you will (the way people react so differently to the death of a loved one, for instance--there is no right or wrong way to react), so part of me thinks I can/part of me wants to believe him. And now, jdreamer, you've pointed out a reason someone having an A would NOT want to overreact when confronted about it...I'm just so confused. I'd like to believe that he couldn't deny it and couldn't say all those things to me (like how much I mean to him), if he IS having an A...But if he could, then I don't really know him at all and that means I don't know what he's capable of, so how can I trust him? Another thing that bothers me, too, is that he hasn't said anything like, "Besides, I don't find her at all attractive anyway!"

I'm sorry to take up so much board space with this. I know it's not what this board is for. But I felt like where better could I get the information I'm looking for? (I did also post on the Betrayed Spouses board, but it's not that helpful to just get more input from women in the same position as me.) Plus, as I said, you always provide the kind of honest and thoughtful responses that really help me out with these issues.

Thanks again!!!

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-06-2004
Thu, 01-08-2004 - 10:34am
Hi San,

The only advice I could offer, because I'm somewhat new to all this, is to answer your question about what other things to look for as evdience.

I'd turn it around and ask what evidence aren't you finding?

In the A I'm involved with, I am currently FWB with my guy. He seems to being honest with me because he doesn't feel the need to lie. Right now when I'm over at his place he has bills laying around, receipts left laying around, he leaves his cell phone laying around where I could check the calls he's made/missed, he almost always answers the phone in front of me even calls from his GF, you name it he deosn't seem to hide much of anything from me.

So if I were to ever ask him to break up with his GF and make me his primary relationship and he stopped doing those things I would IMMEDIATLEY be suspicious. I would have to say that I believe as a general rule most people only lie when they feel they have to. So if a person's behavior changes and he/she suddenly becomes more secretive and isn't sharing information about the day at work, the lunch they had with a coworker, they start silencing calls coming in on their cell more frequently, etc. I would tend to think it's because they have something to hide.

Maybe it's not an A they're hiding but they're obviously trying to cover something. It least that's the way I see it.

Hope it helps.

Nick