Need some input please
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Need some input please
| Mon, 01-05-2004 - 3:43pm |
Hi! I doubt you remember me, but I posted a couple of times in November because I was/am pretty unhappy in my M and was (am?) interested in starting A with someone. I felt funny about posting to this board because I'm not in an A, and I feel funny about it now because I'm sort of asking you to betray your secrets, but you were all so warm and welcoming and helpful that I thought I'd take a chance and ask your advice...
Well, obviously there are problems in my M, and over the last month I've started to wonder more and more if H is already having an affair. There is a woman he began sharing an office with a few months ago. At first, he'd talk about her occasionally, but it was mostly in a negative way ("She's so annoying."). Over the last few weeks, though, he's started talking about her more often and in a less critical way (but not in a "She's so great" way), and I've begun to wonder if he could be having an A with her. I am very confused because I am a pretty jealous and paranoid person anyway, so I have to question whether or not he actually talks about her more than anyone else he's shared an office with (or more than I've ever talked about someone I shared an office with), or if it's just in my imagination...but they always say one of the biggest signs your spouse is in an A is your own gut feeling, so maybe it's a gut feeling and not paranoia that I'm experiencing. And speaking of signs, I've looked at those lists of things to look for, but H would never be stupid enough to call someone from home or from his cell phone or to leave notes in his pocket, etc., so I haven't been able to find any evidence if he is having A, and it's been driving me more and more crazy...
So what I want to ask you is 1) If you are/were having an A with a co-worker, would you talk to your spouse about that person, or would you do the opposite and never bring them up (due to guilt or something)? 2) If you did talk about the person, would you tell your spouse that he/she annoys you (maybe to throw them off or something)? 3) Are there any other signs I can look for? 4) If your spouse confronted you about your A and you didn't want to end your M but wanted to continue to hide the A, how would you react? Would you be casual? Would you laugh off their accusations? Would you take the offensive? I guess it would be especially helpful to hear from those of you who (for whatever reason) don't want to end your M or your A (i.e., from people who might be feeling the same way as my H). I hope I'm not offending anyone by posting these questions to this board, but I would really like to know if I am right because I don't think that's fair to me, and I'd really like to know if I am wrong because I don't think that's fair to H.
Well, obviously there are problems in my M, and over the last month I've started to wonder more and more if H is already having an affair. There is a woman he began sharing an office with a few months ago. At first, he'd talk about her occasionally, but it was mostly in a negative way ("She's so annoying."). Over the last few weeks, though, he's started talking about her more often and in a less critical way (but not in a "She's so great" way), and I've begun to wonder if he could be having an A with her. I am very confused because I am a pretty jealous and paranoid person anyway, so I have to question whether or not he actually talks about her more than anyone else he's shared an office with (or more than I've ever talked about someone I shared an office with), or if it's just in my imagination...but they always say one of the biggest signs your spouse is in an A is your own gut feeling, so maybe it's a gut feeling and not paranoia that I'm experiencing. And speaking of signs, I've looked at those lists of things to look for, but H would never be stupid enough to call someone from home or from his cell phone or to leave notes in his pocket, etc., so I haven't been able to find any evidence if he is having A, and it's been driving me more and more crazy...
So what I want to ask you is 1) If you are/were having an A with a co-worker, would you talk to your spouse about that person, or would you do the opposite and never bring them up (due to guilt or something)? 2) If you did talk about the person, would you tell your spouse that he/she annoys you (maybe to throw them off or something)? 3) Are there any other signs I can look for? 4) If your spouse confronted you about your A and you didn't want to end your M but wanted to continue to hide the A, how would you react? Would you be casual? Would you laugh off their accusations? Would you take the offensive? I guess it would be especially helpful to hear from those of you who (for whatever reason) don't want to end your M or your A (i.e., from people who might be feeling the same way as my H). I hope I'm not offending anyone by posting these questions to this board, but I would really like to know if I am right because I don't think that's fair to me, and I'd really like to know if I am wrong because I don't think that's fair to H.
Thanks!

Hi sanshop,
Not quite sure where to start on this one... but firstly I'll start at being caught out in my affair... while I had many marriage problems and to an extent wanted to just walk away from it all... I knew that I hadn't allowed DH or even myself to give it our best shot... so when confronted with my affair and too much knowledge... I simply accpeted my actions and shrugged my shoulders.
Sweet
Co-Community Leader My
most people in As DO NOT want to leave their present Rs, whether a marriage or long-term like mine. the A is filling in some void/hole that the R/M isn't. and usually it's fun and games, not a permanent head-over-heels i'm-in-love type of R. as sweet says, when confronted with stay or leave, almost everyone in an A will choose to stay and try to work out the problems in the R/M because the known (R/M) is much more comfortable than the unknown (new R or being single). that's not always true, some people do leave and may end up with the person they were having the A with, but the odds are stacked against those Rs being successful. most people don't walk away from the kids, the money, the house, the upset/confusion/starting over issues, they just don't!
gurl
Gurl gave you real first class advice.
I would only add one thing, No babies tell you know that you are out of the woods in terms of your M , if things are truly bad a seperation my be required.
FREE
I'm sorry to take up so much board space with this. I know it's not what this board is for. But I felt like where better could I get the information I'm looking for? (I did also post on the Betrayed Spouses board, but it's not that helpful to just get more input from women in the same position as me.) Plus, as I said, you always provide the kind of honest and thoughtful responses that really help me out with these issues.
Thanks again!!!
The only advice I could offer, because I'm somewhat new to all this, is to answer your question about what other things to look for as evdience.
I'd turn it around and ask what evidence aren't you finding?
In the A I'm involved with, I am currently FWB with my guy. He seems to being honest with me because he doesn't feel the need to lie. Right now when I'm over at his place he has bills laying around, receipts left laying around, he leaves his cell phone laying around where I could check the calls he's made/missed, he almost always answers the phone in front of me even calls from his GF, you name it he deosn't seem to hide much of anything from me.
So if I were to ever ask him to break up with his GF and make me his primary relationship and he stopped doing those things I would IMMEDIATLEY be suspicious. I would have to say that I believe as a general rule most people only lie when they feel they have to. So if a person's behavior changes and he/she suddenly becomes more secretive and isn't sharing information about the day at work, the lunch they had with a coworker, they start silencing calls coming in on their cell more frequently, etc. I would tend to think it's because they have something to hide.
Maybe it's not an A they're hiding but they're obviously trying to cover something. It least that's the way I see it.
Hope it helps.
Nick