Need some serious advice
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| Wed, 09-03-2008 - 11:40pm |
I desperately need a reality check...
Short summary, since I mostly lurk... AP is married, I am divorced (after a D day). We are very emotionally involved. Very much in love, frequent communication. He wants to D but we have been discussing the 'right' time.
The main issue has been, for me, that I want him to do it for his own reasons. But I haven't felt that would be the case. That he wanted to jump from her to me (and he is in a 29 year marriage). He's not happy in the marriage and there are many issues, and he talks about needing to leave her no matter what, but I just don't think he will.
Tonight when we talked he said something that really bothered me. He said, "I don't want to lose both of you".
To me, that means that he is afraid to leave his marriage unless he is one hundred percent certain that I am there for him to be with. As much as I would be, and want to be... I am about two weeks out of a divorce, with young kids, and have a lot to work through on my own. Which doesn't mean I don't want him, because I do, desperately... but not if he is jumping from her to me. He said he is afraid to be single...
Please help me. My life is hanging on a thread with all the changes right now, and I can't see straight. Can someone else?

Thanks Lacey for taking the time to reply. This is very helpful.
My being newly single is actually making him insecure more than anything else. He is concerned that if he sits on the fence too long with his M, that I will look for someone else. And I can't really deny that might be the case if the situation goes on for years. So this is artificially pressuring him into making him think he needs to do something about his M before he is ready (or at least I don't feel like he's ready).
Also I think that, similar to what you said to your AP when he had his foot out the door, that my response of the timing not being right is pushing his foot right back through the door and into his M. It also makes him insecure, that because I need some time to get myself on my feet, I am not committed enough to him. That is not the case but I can't convince him of that.
The other thing is that I left my marriage BECAUSE of him, but not FOR him. Our A was discovered which gave me the push I needed to get out of an abusive marriage. So I did it for me, with no real plans in place for a future with AP (how could I have plans? He's married...) He knows that.
I just think that if he leaves her for me, eventually he will resent me for it.... all of the changes that he will have to go through to be with me (leaving family and job, etc. because it's a different city). KWIM? I love him very much but if the best thing for him is to stay in his marriage, then I want him to do that.
Edited 9/4/2008 6:55 am ET by kariangela