Need some support

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-02-2003
Need some support
5
Mon, 05-10-2004 - 11:55am
Some of you may know me. I lurk here and sometimes throw my two cents in. I could really use some help here. I have been involved in an A now for a few months. My marriage is hopeless but because of three wonderful children, I’m not ready to end it. I met a truly wonderful person who has given me so much, I can’t even begin to describe it. The OW in this case is seperated from her husband and living with some guy. We just fell out of the sky on each other and have become emotionally involved. From the start I have always told her I don’t know what my future bestows and I don’t want her to put her life on hot stand-by while I figure out what the hell I’m going to do.

Fast forward to a few weeks ago. W discovered the affair. Keep in mind we had been to counseling once, and me on three other occasions as she wouldn’t go. I was honest with W and told her I just can’t see myself spending the rest of my life with her. At first she seemed to want to work things out, but has since changed her mind and wants me out. It is killing me knowing I will soon no longer be a part of my kid’s daily lives. I’m so confused because the environment they are in now is less than ideal, but it’s not really hostile either (at least most of the time). However, when it is, it does get ugly. Also, MW seems very distant and she hasn’t been communicating with me as much as she usually does. She sez nothing is wrong, but I think I know her better than that. Maybe I’m over analyzing her, but it’s unusual to say the least.

I can say this was inevitable since I have been micrometers from moving out before, but this time it seems for real. I know I have to leave for me and no one else, I’m so scared that my children are going to be really messed up by all this. I feel really alone right now and could use some words of support, advice, whatever.

Thanks

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-22-2003
Mon, 05-10-2004 - 12:36pm
Hi lostvoyage! It sounds like you are going through a tough time right now. My deepest sympathies go out to you! My MM is actually going through something similar. He and I have been involved in a long distance, emotional A for nearly a year. I won't go into all the sordid details of the discovery of our A but suffice it to say that his W is extremely upset. She's been harassing me, insisting on talking to my H, etc. Last I heard from MM, he said they plan to separate. He was absolutely devastated by the situation - not so much because of his W but because of the impact this will have on his kids and his family. I haven't heard from MM in several days. I'd love to contact him but am afraid that I'll make the situation worse somehow. Besides which, my own M is suffering as the result of all this and I don't want to make it any worse either. But at the same time, I worry that MM will feel I've abandoned him to struggle alone through such a difficult time. On top of it all I feel tremendous guilt that my presence in his life has at least partially caused this situation and so I am at least indirectly responsible for his suffering. I wonder if your MW is dealing with the same issues I am?

All I can say is hang in there. Do what you need to do to take care of yourself. No doubt this will be difficult for everyone - you, your W, your kids, the OW, etc. But everyone will get through it. Stay strong. The last time I heard from MM he told me to keep my chin up. I'm trying. I hope you'll try too.

Peace

GB2

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-15-2004
Mon, 05-10-2004 - 12:48pm
My parents divorced when I was seven. My mother, my 2 year old sister and I moved 200 miles away and lived with her mother until she got back on her feet. My father had visitation a few times a month and we drove back and forth to make it as easy as we could be on all of us. I never once doubted my fathers love for me... he simply could not get along with my mother. That's all that matters.

Just do your best to support them emotionally. My father passed away at the age of 43 (9 years ago). After his passing I remember telling friends "my dad and I had a close relationship and he was always there for me." I guess in my mind the divorce was the best thing they could have done for us.

Elf



iVillage Member
Registered: 04-02-2003
Tue, 05-11-2004 - 6:59am
Thanks for your response. Perhaps she is feeling like you, I don't know. She is a very caring person and I have repeatedly told her none of this is her doing. I just feel very alone and abandon right now. I miss my kids so much. It doesn't get much worse than this.
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-02-2003
Tue, 05-11-2004 - 7:01am
Thanks elf. The best I can do is try and be a part of their lives as much as possible. Hopefully they will see this and know that I always was, and will be there for them.
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-22-2003
Tue, 05-11-2004 - 8:28am
Well MM has told me that this isn't my fault either. It hasn't stopped me from feeling responsible. His W certainly blames me. But then again, I suppose it is easier to blame me than to look at herself. I want desperately to contact MM but I've been afraid to. However, I really don't want him to feel abandoned. Maybe I'll send a quick email...

PLEASE hang in there. I know things are bad right now but they WILL get better. And thank you for giving me some insight as to what MM might be feeling. I wish I could wave my magic wand and make everything better for all of us. :o(

GB2