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| Fri, 01-09-2009 - 4:36am |
We fell in love and its the worst thing ever.....
Some months ago I met this man, I will call him D. I spoke to him first, just out of the blue. I am a very friendly and open person. A conversation started with a lot of laughing and joking around. We parted, see you later. For an entire month I didnt meet him again. Til he showed up one day and I proclaimed, hiya, so glad you are okay. A little side info, he works in a very dangerous enviroment and getting killed could easily happen. He was surprised that I even remembered him. We engaged in another conversation filled with laughter. Right from the beginning he told me, I am married, I have no intentions of ever leaving my wife.
It surprised me to hear this. I wasnt looking for anything. just considered him a person to have innocent fun with. Conversations, that would be it.
I had just, a few months earlier decided I would give myself free time from any kind of romantic feelings. My past experiences had shown me, my choice of men was always bad for me. I wanted to learn to pick a good person.
We started talking more and more. Each time, I heard about, I will never leave my wife. I just want a friend. He was elusive about what was going on in his marriage. He never talked bad about her. We spent the next 6 weeks having a blast. We laughed and laughed, talked, discussed, saved the world, so to speak. I was very attracted to him. But I held back. For crying out loud, he is not looking for anyone. Get a grip girl! Slowly but surely some things were said to me about his marriage. And I noticed the smiling D, the one whom always told me about his marriage being good, was not only lying to me, but to himself. I never judged him, I never told him, you are unhappy.
He had to find out for himself. By that time my feelings for him were way past attraction. I truly had romantic feelings for him. But I didnt tell him. I never wanted to be a mistress, let alone a home wrecker.
Sexual fantasies were discussed and shared and we found more and more that we are alike in a lot of ways. His sexual desires are equal to mine. Thats just one thing. His wife is very shy and sex is a subject that is not discussed in their marriage. Nor does she say anything when he mentions his wishes. He is gone from home for months at the time and when he comes home, she has every excuse in the world not to sleep with him. Okay, on with the story. He left on his trip to home. He was going to be gone for a month. Spending a nice holiday with her. That was the initial plan. I spend my time with a friend whom had much interest in becoming my boyfriend. But he knew also, it wasnt going to happen. D was able to read about my daily life in my blog. I was very miserable while he was gone. Sick, emotionally run down. I knew I was in love with D, but I had no right. I never told.....fearing it would push him away from me. I felt guilty over his wife. I felt horrible because of all he had been through. He was never important. D is a very giving person, always gives gives gives. People have gotten used to this and its now expected of him. He is taken for granted. Yet still, he doesnt blame her. He blames himself for never voicing his opinion, his concerns, etc. He worked very hard, chose dangerous high paid jobs to provide a beautiful life for him and her. She is a very lucky woman. I am just not sure she realizes it.
Okay, so he was gone on holiday and read what I had been up to. He got angry, upset, jealous and felt guilty at the same time. Here he was married, and wanting me...for himself. He knew that was wrong.
He came back from vacation and he phoned me before he ever phoned her that he had arrived safely. It was a very tough time. I was trying to keep distance, cause of my feelings for him. And he was watching me slip away. We even argued, something we had never done before. We finally did talk and he said, I cant go on like this. I am so unhappy in my marriage. I want to get out, but I feel guilty for not even wanting to try to make things better. He knew by then that I was in love with him. We tried to take it one day at the time. And things were really really good. I never asked him to leave her. I didnt want to be the reason for him getting divorced. He had to find out for himself why he wanted to leave her. The reasons he gave me, were valid and understandable. Too many years had gone by without their marriage being meaningful. No conversation, just a lot of frustration.
Anyway......a few days after christmas we had a little fallout. He reacted very defensive when we discussed the subject of him leaving. He has this immense feeling of guilt inside of him. Its tearing him apart.That fallout left us both in a shocking way. We couldnt pick up from where we had left. It took a lot of strength to get back to our normal good time.But we made it. We both know, that we are in love with each other. We both know what we want.
Things were good. We spent the most incredible New Years with eachother. His notes on my blog always read things like, loving you feels so right, you mean the world to me, you make me so happy. And all of those, I know, were words that spoke of his true emotions.
Two days ago, I asked him how he was holding up. He has not told her, had planned on telling her when he got back home. He says telling her over the phone is a messed up thing to do. I agreed.
So, that night, immediately he got all defensive. I know he is under a lot of stress. Not only his job, but the situation with us, its hard. He doesnt know anything but being married. She was his first girlfriend. He has no experience with other women. Things got way out of hand and we were both totally confused, hurt, numb.....his head was exploding. We went to sleep, the only comfort we knew would help us get through the night. Hearing the breathing of the other one. Yesterday afternoon, we had a chance to talk and it just poured out of him. I want to help him, but he is so defensive. I asked him if he wanted me to go away. He said, I want to be with you. Next minute he said, I am too weak to leave her. I cant let everyone down. I just cant. He said his head was bursting and that he was so totally confused. That he doubted us, he didnt know what to do anymore. I cried, I got angry, I was sad, I was upset. He left with the words, I gotta go, I cant do this anymore.
I curled up on my sofa and cried out loud. I have never ever hurt like this before. He sent me a mail shortly after, telling me that he cant take the pressure anymore. That he is weak and pathetic. That he hates himself. I had asked him if I should wait on him....in his letter he wrote, no dont. He wrote he is going home to talk to her, he cant live like this anymore. But he doesnt know what the outcome will be. I had asked him before, if you tried with her, do you think it would work. And he thought about it hard and said, no it will not. We are too different. And am not happy. I know so much about him and I know things will not change at his house. And if they do, he will always question everything. Its only cause he threatened to leave and not because she wants to do this. I am in the meantime sitting here, hurt, upset, cant eat, cant think, want to beg him, want to go to where he is at and talk to him. I replied to his mail in a very kind way. Letting him know I love him and I will give him all the time he needs. Maybe he does need to go home again and feel all of that resentment again.
I left a marriage before myself. It was the hardest thing to do. So I understand him in some ways. Of course, there is that side of me that loves him so much and that side is screaming, dont do this to me.
The exact reason why I fell in love with him, cause he is so sensitive, so kind, so loyal, is why he probably told me its over. I know he is where he is at now, hurting badly. Confused, not knowing what is real and what is not. Not knowing how he can juggle these two lifes anymore. And him chosing his wife, is the easy way. He said himself, when i think of why not to leave, these reasons come up; having to sell the house, losing money on the sale, dang i cant cook, I will probably starve. Not one reason is, cause I love her and want it to work. Its those reasons that make a lot of people stay. The comfort, not having to jump into unknown water. I just know he wont be happy. And it pains me so much to hear him say, my happiness is not important.
We love each other. And its the worst thing ever.
Does anyone have any suggestions? I am prepared to hear the words homewrecker. Dont think I dont feel guilt myself. And sure, I use the excuse, you cant wreck a happy home. I still feel guilty. What should I do? Thanks for listening to me.....

First of all, I don't think anyone here would call you a "homewrecker".
no advice just a ((HUG))
our situation is similar except there is his DD involved...and he my AP or "whateva you wanna call him" has not yet admitted he is unhappy...for he would have to be in order to have someone else..there's gotta be something missing..he always contends things are okay..they may be...in their case i think they've moved into two different directions in life....and it's becoming hard for him to deal with her direction..she'll put up with his because my AP also works very hard makes a good living and provides his family with the BEST and i mean the BEST..i do get jealous at times because i get the minimal...some may say "the heart" is not the minimal..but i feel that i do get the minimal at times...don't know..just wanna ((HUG)) you because i can empathize with you...
i hope you are feeling better today.....
"be who you are and say what you feel, because those who mind don't matter and those who matter don't mind"---Dr. Seuss
"be who you are and say what you feel, because those who mind don't matter and those who matter don't mind"---Dr. Seuss
((( hugs))) No, you are not a home wrecker,hon. You and him just meeting at different times of life!
Sometimes i find it hard to believe that men can stay in bad M's as well!
much love and peace to you.
An Update.......
this evening I returned home from work. It has been a day of disaster, so to speak. I cant eat. I have lost five pounds in the last two days. I cant concentrate, nor can I put up a friendly face at work. And I work with customers. So, that was a problem. Luckily I have a co worker whom immediately figured something was wrong and took time to talk to me. It helped to tell someone whom doesnt judge me.
When I checked my email, I had a letter from him. Telling me how bad he feels and how he thinks I am probably cursing him. Which I am not. How confused he is, and how scared he is of being to weak to make the right decision. How he feels like a big piece of sh** for hurting me. And how its killing him that he is hurting me. I was surprised to hear from him so soon. I didnt expect it. I know exactly what he is going through. When I left my ex husband, I went through the same thing. So, I do understand. This time the shoe is on the other foot though....and I really cant cope with the thought of maybe losing him. Or have I lost him already? He asked for time to clear his head. Because his job situation is weighing heavily on his shoulders also. There is so much pressure on him right now, I can totally understand that he is confused and worried. And acting the way he is. I replied again, telling him, i love him regardless. And that I am not cursing him. I assured him that I understand his pain and how i wish I could make it go away. I also asked him to put everyone aside as hard as it is, he has to do that. And think about himself for just once. Find out what it is he desires from life. I wrote him about the time when I left and how guilty I felt. And even considered going back. How I even missed that horrible marriage.
I checked my cell, which I had forgotten at home this afternoon. And even there, I had a message. Asking me if I was okay.and that he needed space to clear his head. Of course, now I am sitting around trying to read into his words. What does it mean? The love I feel is wishing and hoping, of course. The pain and hurt is fearing the worst. I cannot come up with a decent answer to what it means. I wish someone on the outside could. I told him once, being in love can be the sweetest thing, but it can also be the most horrible thing. The longing, missing, wishing, hoping.....and the fear.
I have to admit, I am scared sh*tless at this time. I am a tough cookie and always get back up. But if I am the one who will be left behind this time, I will get back up as a different person. Knowing, I will never ever feel this way again.
Thanks for all your kind words. I will keep you updated. And I really do appreciate any comments. Positive or negative. I just need to hear from someone...whom understands. And can look at the situation from the outside.
Oh Sakkra -
Honey I am so sorry you are hurting - and I wanted to let you know that I have been in the same place as you.
Another Update!
Day 3 of this insanity. I am not coping very well. I couldnt even finish my shift today. My boss noticed how badly I am feeling and took some time to talk to me. What a kind man! My blog is really taking some heavy typing by me. Its my outlet, its my vent. Since he can read my blog, I keep those sad entries private. And the daily boring stuff, I leave public. Of course, he can tell by my writing style that things are not okay with me. Since I cannot eat solid food as of yet, I bought some Pedialyte to make sure I get enough nutrients. I have lost a total of 6 pounds in three days. Its unhealthy, I know. But what can I do?
I sent him a text message today, Sorry for cause you all this pain. He didnt reply til a few hours later. His reply was the following: You are not causing me any pain, baby, x.
I am scared to ask him what he is doing all day and evening. Before we spent all this time together. We even slept together while he was away, by having our computers turned on, a call going on, and we would wear our headsets and listen to each other sleep. Even his snoring was comforting to me.
Now, I cant even sleep in the same spot as before anymore. Its so hard, what am I to do?