need to talk to someone

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-15-2004
need to talk to someone
6
Mon, 03-15-2004 - 8:38pm
Hi all, this is my first writing but I have been reading for about a month. Just needing to talk to some of the other "other women" out there. Have been involved in A for 8 months, started as emotional A first, changed to physical one 2 months in. He is M, I am S from my DH for the last 3 months. My DH has been ill for the last 6 years and I finally got tired of being his nurse and mother. There has been nothing physical in our M for years. Now that I have found someone who give me everything I need (both physically & emotionally) I am just wondering where, if anywhere this could possibly lead? Most of the time I trust him completely, then there are other times when I just wonder if he is cheating on her how do I know he won't do the same to me down the road? I don't expect him to ever leave his W and most of the time I am satisfied with our relationship, but some time when I am alone all those insecurities come creaping back in and I wonder if this is something "real"....any advice??
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-10-2004
Mon, 03-15-2004 - 9:00pm
Hi hisnursenomore,

Welcome to the board. I'm pretty new here and have found incredible support and advice from both the women and the men. I think you've already answered your own question in your post. It's not going to lead anywhere more than what it is. You said yourself that you don't expect him to leave his W. As for him cheating on you, how ironic is that question? You either have to trust him and his feelings for you, or you have to accept the A for what it is and if he is "cheating" on you, than guess what, that's his perogative. In A's I've learned, we don't have any right to have a hold on MM. He's married for heaven's sake and he's cheating on his wife with you. Why should he feel the need to be faithful to you to and why should you have the right to expect that?

I'm sorry if this sounds kind of harsh, but this is the realization I've had to come to with my MM, that if he wanted to be with another woman, that's his choice, just like I have the choice to be with OM and neither of us has a right to say otherwise because we are in a A.

I hope that you can just enjoy what you have with him and don't build up expectations that can only hurt you, you know what I mean? Take care and I wish the best for you.

ibc

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-21-2003
Mon, 03-15-2004 - 9:44pm
Hello

You are totally right in the fact that we have no hold on our MM, but if we let them the insecurities and doubts can make a bad situation worse.I myself struggle with them everyday that we are not together, and trust me when I say that they cause problems(makes me look mental somedays LOL)

But don't we have the right to expect our MM to not see other women? As far as my MM and myself we have agreed on the fact that we can accept the R the other has with their spouse but we will not accept sharing them with anyone else. As strange as that sounds it works well for us. But as it has been posted before all A's are different and what works for one does not necessarily work for another.

This is just my opinion....

later

SB

 Seeburg    

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-09-2003
Tue, 03-16-2004 - 8:16am
Hi Nurse, I know what they say, once a cheater always a cheater. I don't necessarily believe that. Although I am in an A, this is my first one. I think MM is a decent person and if his circumstances were different I don't think he would be doing this. As is the same for me. Sometimes your circumstances lead you to your actions, but that doesn't mean it will happen again. Just because someone is in an A doesn't mean they are a womanizer.

Anyways, I would not be acceptable to MM seeing someone else besides me and he wouldn't like if I was seeing anyone else either. Every now and then we question each other that if this ended would we look for someone else. The answer is always no.

We are both basically monogamous people, and therefore trust each other is not sleeping around. We also don't use protection because of the trust we have in each other. Anyways, MM is only the 3rd man I've slept with, the others being H #1 and #2.

Dusty
xxxx
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-15-2004
Tue, 03-16-2004 - 10:47am
Thank you Dusty, your words of encouragement helped. I know deep down in my heart that we are both not seeing anyone else and I know that he is not a womanizer. Sometimes I just have to remind myself of that. And although I do share him with his W I won't share him with anyone else. We have talked about this many times and this is the first A for both of us. I have been so unhappy in my M for years and had considered an A before but never did anything about it, until I met my MM. As I have read so many times on this site, it was an instant attraction and the feeling that we had known each other for years. We have so many things in common and although I don't believe in soul mates I do know that we are kindred spirits. I have never had the feelings with anyone else (including 2 husbands)that I share with my MM. I am trying to take things day by day and not think too far into the future, but sometimes it is hard because there is only 1 person who knows the truth of what is going on in my life and she is 2000 miles away. I have no one to talk to on a daily basis, so I will probably be spending alot of time with my computer. Thank you all for your comments.
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-09-2003
Tue, 03-16-2004 - 11:05am
Well it has to be really hard for you with a H who is sick and need taking care of. My H is a heavy drinker, I kind of feel more like caregiver/mother than wife. We haven't had much of an intimate relationship for the last few years really.

That's where MM came into my life and if it wasn't for him, I don't know where I would be right now.

I still love H, I'm not really ready to leave him, maybe things can change.

But I really need MM at this point in my life. For how long this will last I don't know. Its been over 2 years now we've been seeing each other.

Maybe another 2 years, or 5, who knows? Until something drastic in my life changes, I hope we will continue as we have.

Good luck to you and hope you can feel some peace with your life, as I am kind of feeling with mine right now.

Dusty
xxxx
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-15-2004
Tue, 03-16-2004 - 12:35pm
Thanks again Dusty....besides the fact that my H is ill he is also an alcoholic and a prescription drug addict (although he will never admit it). It got to the point in my M that I also became the care giver/mother and I finally decided that I could not take it anymore so after all the idle threats throughout the years I did pack up and leave the first of this year. I couldn't believe that I finally got the guts to do it and he never thought I would since I had threaten many many times over the years. I do love my H, but as more like a good friend than a husband. I have told him that many times and he just doesn't understand. How can I want to be intimate with him after caring for him like a nurse for all these years. I had to bath him, dress him, undress him and put him to bed most nights. There have not been any romantic feelings in me for years toward him, and no intimacy between us.

I was already involved in the A before I moved out but I did not move out because of it...I did it for myself and my sanity. My MM kept asking and making sure that the move was my idea and for my best interest and not because of him. He is a wonderful person and I guess I just need to take what I can get from this relationship and for as long as this relationship lasts.

Thanks for giving me someone to talk to:)