need to vent ... and advice (long)

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-22-2003
need to vent ... and advice (long)
3
Mon, 09-22-2003 - 10:00pm
Hi.... I'm new here, although I've lurked on this board for some time. I'm married, and I love my husband. I don't know how I did it, but in May this year, I managed to fall in love with a co-worker. Please don't judge me, because part of me thinks that I could have taken control over the situation and nipped things in the bud, but I was too caught up in the happiness of knowing that I made a difference to his life, to stop my feelings from developing into love. He said he loved me, and I said it was mutual. We then moved our friendship up to the next level and began to get sexual.

We both knew that leaving my husband was and never will be an option, so we agreed that we'd enjoy our fling for as long as it lasts, and that no matter what, we'd remain friends because we started out as good friends in the first place. He said he just wanted me to be happy. He was single, and I told him I wouldn't tie him down (what right did I have anyway?), and to please date other girls.

Well, it didn't last very long. We went pretty far, short of sex, but after about a month he started pulling away. He told me he was developing feelings for another woman, and although he wanted to hang out with me plus have a sexual relationship, he admitted that this other woman was moving into his life. I got the hint, and bowed out because as ironic as it sounds, I didn't want his new girlfriend to see me as 'the other woman' that jeapordised their relationship. Although I was heartbroken that he could move on to someone else so soon after saying he loved me, I hid my grief from him and continued to be cheerful. I guess he realised that there really is no future in having a relationship with a married woman, and he moved on. And I figured that our friendship was more important, and I didn't want my feeling of being dumped to spoil our friendship because I was never his to dump anyway. Do you know what I mean?

Anyway, we're still very good friends now, and meet occasionally over lunch or coffee. In fact when he was told that he would be sent to an overseas office next year, the first person he told was me, not the girlfriend. I don't want to read anything into that, because he also recently told me that this new girlfriend wouldn't last much longer. He didn't say anything about getting back together though, and although part of me wishes he would, deep down, I know that whatever intimacy we had as lovers is OVER, and we will be 'just friends' from now on.

I know it was never meant to be, but my feelings for him are still there. I don't feel the romantic high we did when we first started 'courting' if you can call it that, but he is so so special to me, and I want the best for him. I do love him, and because of that, I feel like I have a few questions of the heart to ask him but am too afraid to ask in case he runs away. I want to know if I meant anything to him, really. I want to know if I was just another fling. I want to know if he meant all those lovely things he said to me, because if he did, I want to know why it was so easy for him to walk away to someone else. I want to tell him I love him before he goes to his new posting.

Then the other half steps him and says, get real, you just need to hear him say nice things, when in reality you really meant nothing to him. Then my other half will argue, but I honestly feel in my heart that he meant all those things he said, and why would he NOT mean them. Then the other half will say, then why do you need him to tell you again?

So as you can see, I'm going quite crazy. I don't know what to do. I guess I'm in a limbo because we never officially ended, as there was never a day when he told me we had to stop what we were doing. Instead, it simply tapered off quite quietly. Maybe I need to 'break up properly' for closure. I don't know.

Should I sit down and pour my heart out to him? Guys hate that, and I know he doesn't like doing this let's-talk-about-feelings thing.

If you've read this far, thank you so much for listening. I needed to get this off my chest.

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-18-2003
Mon, 09-22-2003 - 11:32pm
Let it go. He is single. You are married. He wants to have a real relationship - that's why he started seeing his girlfriend. Even if he breaks up with her, the problem is still there. If you want an affair, have one with a married man, at least level the playing field. I see nothing but pain and humiliation for you if you go forward with this guy.
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-22-2003
Tue, 09-23-2003 - 5:18am
Thank you, I really needed that 3rd party perspective. I've been looking inward, licking my wounds, and concentrating on ME for so long, I plain forgot to think about his feelings too. I feel so bad now.... lesson learnt. Again, thank you.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Tue, 09-23-2003 - 5:52am
I agree that you should let it go.

But I also want to say, why are you doubting that he cares about you? That doesn't make sense. If you two are friends, then obviously he finds some merit in hanging around you. The fact that he chose *not* to move forward in the EMA with you just shows that despite the feelings he has for you, he recognizes that it is not the kind of R that fits in with his needs. He didn't say goodbye to you completely, probably for the same reasons you did not say goodbye to him completely. Don't beat yourself up and put yourself down. There is no reason to. Feelings don't change on a dime, but we can change how we act and react... and that is all he did.

Take care,

lily