Need womens advice PLEASE
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Need womens advice PLEASE
| Mon, 03-01-2010 - 12:21pm |
Ladies:
Need a womans POV. MM in 2 year A with MW. First 15 months were awesome. We're in LDA. I had a D-Day in
| Mon, 03-01-2010 - 12:21pm |
Ladies:
Need a womans POV. MM in 2 year A with MW. First 15 months were awesome. We're in LDA. I had a D-Day in
I believe she is telling you to get off the fence Amexdm. If your AP is getting a D, she seems to be giving you this ultimatum to gauge where your head is at in your R - with both your W and herself.
In regards to the pulling back of emotions, she sounds lilke she has been steeling herself for the day you opt to stay in your M rather than be with AP, so she is checking out emotionally. You were telling her to date other men- they are not the words you want someone you love to tell you. Those words indicate you dont care who she is with IMO. I know that is not what you meant, but us females think a little different especially where love is concerned.
She doesnt want to let you go as she loves you, but yet you have already been back to your W twice now. She is probably just giving you one last shot to prove that you need her and now she will soon be free, she wants more than just part of your time.
I have no idea what you should do but it seems like AP is no longer setting for second. Ultimatums are only usually issued when its make or break time and AP is probably ready to be done with the A. She wants all or nothing IMO.
Good luck with your decision.
SB.
I agree 100% with sometimesblue. Your Ap wants you to get off the fence. Trust me I know for a fact that the last thing I would want to hear form the man I loved was to date other people. Now your retracting that, she wants you to make a decision. So you need to make one.
Scarlet
Ladies,
Point well taken. But noticed I said she "claims" she's getting a divorce. She's been telling me that for two years. Wouldnt that be "on the fence"? I told her to date other people becuase I knew I couldnt give her the time and attention she needed. I thought that was rather grand of me. At that time it was early in our relat and didnt want to hold her back. Now its just a big mess.
Amexdm
Try to listen to this with an open mind. Though you meant well in your heart that you wanted to date other people, but in her mind/heart, she hears that you are ok with her exploring other men. Why do we date? We date to ultimately find a 'partner'. It probably hurt her very much to hear that.
As for her "claiming" to get a divorced, it may or may not be true. You both have to figure out what you both want and work at it. I know that sounds like such a cliche', but whatever the outcome will be, it will be work.
Being involved with a MM myself, I have come to realize how much work this is all taking, the lies, the sneaking around, the balance of emotions, etc... Why are we having these As, what is really missing from our lives? For me, I am in it for love. For him, I am starting to think that it might be the high of the deceit? Who knows? I just know what it's like to really want to "take care of ourselves". And I am sure that is what she is doing.
Life is all about taking risks. There is no guarantee that the person we love will love us back, but it all about what risks we are willing to take. Sometimes I wish I wasn't in this A, but at the same time, I have come to learn a lot about myself, and now I can start doing what is right for me!!! There is no black and white when it comes to love, but there are rights and wrongs. I know that sounds contradictory, but it's the truth. Reach down deep and figure out what you want.
Good luck!
Sweetness,
Ty so much for your reply. You make alot of sense. It is true that there is no guarantee that the person we love will love us back. It just that we started so hot and heavy and now so cold. She wants to see me but I have to make dec if its worth risking marraige to do it.
It never occurred to me that by me telling her to date others that it would hurt her. She kept bugging me to see her and I couldnt take it after a while and I just told her to date others then. I thought I was giving her freedom. But thats not what she wanted. See how dumb men are!
I am also in it for the love (and sex) but not getting the love anymore. I may have to get out. It's tough in an LDA. She has no immed plans to lv her H so I thought I had some time to work this out. App not. Thanks for your thoughts!
Amexdm
I hope you didn't think I was trying to be mean. Trust me. I wasn't. I love my MM with all my heart but I am starting to think that it's never going to work to my advantage. He has yet to be completely honest about his marriage so it makes everything all the more complicated. I think when this all started he never thought that he would come to care about me and when he did, he was too far into to it to come clean or back out. We shared a lot of things together not just sex. We traveled together, hung out with friends, etc... I've been with men who just wanted sex and it was nothing like the way he treated me. Our first Xmas together he went to the extent of calling my best friend to get ideas of what to get me.
Anyway, enough about me. It sounds like you love her. But if neither of you are willing to leave your spouses, it might be best to just let time take its course. I've been in this (in what seems like) a long time with him and sometimes we just need time to clear our heads. Also, in time, things don't seems so final or pressured. It may not give you much comfort by what I am saying, but I speak from experience.
He and I were together 2 years before I found out. I ended things. There was NC for a year...one of the hardest times of my life. Then we came back into contact and I thought that we would just be friends or acquaintances. After months of hanging out, that changed and here I am another year and half later. I just may be ready to move on though.
I am here to listen or give advice if you'd like. You can also email privately if you'd like.
Take care.
Sweet,
Sent u private email. Hope to hear from you!
and I just replied....
I'm here to help and listen as much as I can.