Need words of encouragement......

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-09-2004
Need words of encouragement......
3
Fri, 02-20-2004 - 5:10pm
Ladies I need some words of encouragement...Been on the board for a few weeks but haven't posted much...

Little about myself M 4 years just recently separated from my H, and have 1 son! Been having an A for the past year, since H left OM and I have been seeing alot more of each other but haven't gone out to the open because I feel it's to soon! Anyways here's my dilemma, a few months ago I found out that OM was talking to another woman (seen a pic) I didn't confront him about it b/c a male friend that knows about our A told me I had no right to say anything b/c I was married. Just recently OM started talking about trust in the R, not talking or dating other people blah..blah..blah...Just yesterday he mentioned that due to the fact that I'm M and we have this A going on he hoped he could trust me and he hoped I could trust him once we were to get together like a normal couples...I figured since we were on the topic about trusted I decided to tell him about this other woman....I knew he had stopped talking to her already but I figured I should let him know that I was aware about this other person! I didn't say much in person b/c the proof that I had was a pic so he just said when I got back to work to email him the proof that I had and we would take it from there. I was on the phone when I send him the email so of course when he got it he told me I will call you back...and of course he didn't call back! He send me a dang email saying that he couldn't lie b/c it's him in the pic. That he was talking to her at one point but that he stopped and for me not to blame myself. ( I still don't understand why I should be blaming myself but anywho)He didn't understand why I never brought it up before & why did I wait till now! This line is what throws me off and he wrote " I guess I'm the one at a loss right now, so I wont bother to say anything else after this point to you. I know you'll be even more upset, for the fact that Im doing this but I cant do anything else at this point.

I'm taking that line as he doesn't want nothing to do with me anymore??? I been calling him and he won't pick up the phone! He finally send me another email saying that he not answering his phone b/c he feels ashamed b/c I had proof all this time and I never said anything...and once again he tells me not to blame myself!! How in the whole and I at fault here????? When I first found out about this other woman I was upset, jealous...I then found this board and realized that he more or less has a right to do what he wants b/c I was the M one in all this!! Here I am trying to tell him it's okay and he won't answer me...I just send him another email since he wont' answer my calls just to tell me plain and simple if he wishs to continue talking to or not, if not so I could stop lowering myself to him, b/c I feel that's what I'm doing by calling him so much since I didn't do nothing wrong!

Thanks for listening.....

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Sat, 02-21-2004 - 6:19pm
Destiny,

It is just my opinion, but it sounds like he wanted to find a way the end the relationship and came up with one...however stupid. I wouldn't be surprised if he was seeing other people as well because if it was only one person, why would he need to see your proof first before he responded? And what does what "you" know have to do with "when" he is honest about his actions? While you may not have a right to forbid him from seeing other people while you are married, that doesn't mean that you have no right to be told or to even ask.

Also, if someone doesn't answer your calls and ignore you, why do they need to say that they no longer want to talk to you? Action speaks louder than words. I don't believe that this had as much to do with your being M, but more about the relationship being convenient for him "while" you were married. His actions do not speak of someone who wants a "normal" relationship with you, but more of someone who is rather manipulative and immature.

I know that this may not be what you want to hear, but you are better off without him...so stop "lowering" yourself to respond to his behavior.

Rose

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-03-2004
Sat, 02-21-2004 - 9:14pm
Destiny ,

Instead of reading into what your OM may be or may not be saying just flat out ask him .

If you have called him and he isn't answering and not returning your calls .

If you are emailing him and he is not answering ........well then that shows enough .

But I do understand what you may want , you may want closer you want to know what happened here ??, you want to hear it for yourself from him . Well some men are cowards . They can't stand up or fess up to what they really want . They can't be MEN !!

My MM was like that , but I made him be a man and say what he wants . I made him communicate . I emailed , no answer . I called , he put off our conversation but finally called back .

If he wouldn't have called back this is what I was going to email him .--

Well since I have emailed and called you and you are not returning my calls I will take it that this is your way of saying our R is over . It would have been nice if you would just say so . But I guess your just not man enough . I will no longer bother you , email or call you . You know where to find me if you want me ......although it may be too late by then .

Destiny , you did nothing wrong . It looks like he is just making an excuses to end this R

or an excuses to put things on hold to see what he wants . Maybe there are OW in his life , which is ok cause he is the single one .

Don't blame yourself. no answer to emails and phone calls means time to move on .

Good luck , Hugs Viper

xoxo ViperDiva

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-09-2004
Tue, 02-24-2004 - 11:17am
Viper & Rose, thanks for responsing, Been off the boards for the past few days.

I finally talked to OM yesterday morning, he called me! He claims to have been embarrassed b/c seeing that picture was like a slap in the face! He admits he took the coward way out by ignoring me completely, but that he knew that he couldn't do it forever!!!He claims he never slept with this OW or even kissed her, all he never did with her was have lunch with her twice and talked. He later found out that she was M so he stopped talking to her! So now my thing is if she wasn't M then maybe things would have gone a little further...I asked him if he wanted to end the R that was fine with me, and he said NO he would like to continue what we have! Of course he apologized and said it won't happen again but at this point I just don't know!!