Need you input

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-07-2003
Need you input
6
Fri, 11-07-2003 - 7:29pm
I found these boards searching for information on relationship troubles with my BF. I have been lurking on the relationship boards for couple of weeks and this board has been a life saver for me. I cannot tell how much I am happy to share my situation to you. I don't have anybody other than my MM who knows about our A. We have been in this situation for two years now and I cannot tell you how much I love this man. However, earlier this year we had a unfortunate incident in our lives that we had to cool things off. His wife spied upon us and read all my emails to him. She confronted him and he had to deny, deny and deny our affair. We stopped seeing each other to makse sure his wife isn't suspicious. We have kept in contact only via email which is driving me nuts as I long to see him in flesh and blood again. I however cannot understand one thing - he blamed all of the affair on me and called me a stalker/pursuer who was insanely after him inspite of his "previous warnings" He even filed a complaint against me with the police which I had to fight. My BF came to know of all this and he was angry for getting myself into trouble and wanted me to "behave". It was awful the entire time until the whole situation blew itself over. The MM is now planing to separate from his wife. He also wants me to leave the BF and move in with him. I find it very difficult to trust him after all the pain he caused me by denying his role in it and blaming it all on me. Why should I trust a man who would do a come turnabout when caught and deny it all. He said it was was make sure his wife wouldn't make his leaving the M nightmare, but somehow I don't get the whole picture. Why file the complaint and make me go through all the trouble? What scares me is that he seemed to drop me like a hot potato when it suited him and wants me to do the same with the BF? I do have a lot unresolved of issues with the BF but that is whole different story. This MM has not given me any reason to believe that he will be my rock when I leave the BF,but still he gets upset when I can't make my mind about leaving BF. Can I believe him and take a risk? Should I trust him on this? Is this how affairs are - confusing and sometimes painful? Any suggestions on my behalf? Thanks in advance.

Red

Avatar for jeanbob
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-29-2003
In reply to: redclouds
Fri, 11-07-2003 - 7:47pm
I have fortunately not as yet been in your situation, but just from reading through your post, here is MHO: Yes, affairs are often painful and confusing. Most human relationships are to some degree, but I think A's, because of their intense and secretive nature, are more that way than any other. However, your MM does not sound like the kind of person you should put your trust in when the chips are down. He betrayed you in the most awful way by portraying you as a dangerous person and in effect abandoning you just to save his own behind. My heart just aches for you, because I understand that you love him, but from your description, he is not treating you well, to say the least. Can you take this period of no physical contact to try and separate out from him and decide what *you* really want? Many women on this board will tell you this same thing, I am sure. I have a terrible problem with that myself, but it really is what you need to do. You sound like you know deep inside that there are major problems with being able to trust MM, and because of your feelings for him are having a hard time admitting this to yourself.

Good luck and the very best to you. Let us know what happens--

JB

P.S. If you haven't already, read "teenbean"s thread below--much the same situation as yours--
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-07-2003
In reply to: redclouds
Sat, 11-08-2003 - 8:08am
jeanbob, you hit nailed it - I did feel like I was protrayed like a criminal by him to save his butt and it has psychologically affected affected me a lot. When I see cops outside my house for some routine checks i am thinking they coming to get me. Can you say traumatised?? :-( I do not hate him for it but the lengths to which he went to cover up never fails to surprise me. In all honesty, I have forgiven him for all that but cannot forget it. Anytime I think about leaving the whole incident comes to mind and get very distrubed and start having doubts. He tell me he will help me when I get out, but how can that be given that we have this history of police complaints/court fights with each other. He doesn't say how he is going to overcome that disadvantage. Right now, I cannot even call him because I have been branded as a stalker. The whole thing depressing because I cannot put myself as risk based on what he says here and there about "making it". I feel depressed about it all the time - It has hellish experience and he seems to be downplaying it.
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-02-2003
In reply to: redclouds
Sat, 11-08-2003 - 12:46pm
My opinion- you can't trust this guy to be good to you after what he did. The problem is that if you leave your BF for MM, you will have just shown him that he can treat you however he wants and you'll take it. You're better off cutting this one loose. I understand people trying cover their butts regarding an EMA, but filing a complaint with the police? This guy didn't want to take ANY responsibility for the affair. Just let you take all the blame and have to go through the embarrassment of facing that kind of complaint. So, my opinion is that this guy does not deserve a second chance, and he probably couldn't respect you as much if you did give him one. Find someone who deserves you! :-)
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-07-2003
In reply to: redclouds
Sun, 11-09-2003 - 12:04pm
Thanks for your input. Yes, he didn't take any blame for it, did he? I wonder if he really wants us to be together or if he is just playing. Oh well, I don't care anymore. I am mentally and emotionally exhausted. I don't feel like to be in any R - BF or MM emotionally. I have been through so much I need some time to just be me and think about it all and see what I want like jeanbob said in her post. I think I am already doing that - pulling away from MM so that I can sort my life and see what I want to do with BF. Thanks.
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-19-2003
In reply to: redclouds
Sun, 11-09-2003 - 10:11pm
Your post brought tears to my eyes. I cannot believe that he took it that far. In my opinion I don't think he can be trusted. He put all blame on you because it was convenient for him. If he did that, there is a possibility he will betray you again. I know everything is not all cut and dry in love, but I always believe actions speak louder than words. He may have thought it would help his situation at the time, but at what cost to you?

Whatever you decide, it should be what makes you happy. We'll be here to support you either way. I wish you lots of luck.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
In reply to: redclouds
Mon, 11-10-2003 - 9:48am
special, TRUST YOUR GUT, girl! MM is out for himself and he will NEVER be there for you. if you leave your BF, do it for YOU, not for MM and that god-awful R you would have with him.

mental and emotional exhaustion is signalling you to pay attention to yourself.

jmo, but i'd RUN in the other direction from that MM.

good luck and be careful,

gurl