Needing opinions/advice (sorry for the length)

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-27-2013
Needing opinions/advice (sorry for the length)
Wed, 08-28-2013 - 3:00pm

Ok, so I use to be a member of this board but under a different name. I was having a LD EA at that point and my husband discovered my account along with my posts so I haven't been on this board in a long while. However, I am in need of opinions/advice so here I am again...but wiser and more cautious about my tracks.

So, to catch you up...I ended the LD EA to save my marriage. I can now look back and wonder what I was thinking. I have talked this guy a few times since then but it was after a year of no contact. I lost my best friend 6 months after were married, then I lost our first child about 8 months after that. So, at that point my mentality was non-existent, which was when this A had started.

Anyways, everything was fine for a while. I had met one of the exes of my best friend at her visitation and as a group we all went out to eat as friends afterwards. We didn't have contact again until a year or two later. We began a friendship on facebook and then he started texting me and eventually randomly turning up at my house. One night, I invited him in and before I knew it, he was on top of me. He asked me if I was ok and I said no and he left. I showered and bawled then called my hubby to come home from work. So, rather than deal with it in any way...I swept it under a rug. I felt like a piece of meat and started acting like I was.

I started volunteering at a clothing store in my town where I met a guy 14 yrs older than me. We started talking, hanging out, etc. He gave me a speech about not being that guy since he was married but separated and she walked out on him for his best friend. Which I can understand but he and I had an attraction to each other that simply kept growing and we finally caved and slept together. After that, on my side of things the attraction was gone. I thought I had feelings for this guy but it was apparently just the strong attraction talking cause much like the LD EA, I look back now and think what the heck was I thinking.

After both of these ended, I regained contact with a guy that I have known for 15 or so years. We have always had a thing for one another but never acted on it because it was never the right timing. I was married, then he got married. I got divorced and they had a baby. I got remarried and he got divorced. Now I am still married and he has a girlfriend. Now, we had talked about starting something up at the time that he got divorced but once again I got the I don't want to be that guy since his wife left him for another man. So we agreed not to act on it and lost contact for about a year or so. Then, one day he liked my pic on facebook and we started chatting. My marriage was in shambles because my hubby had snooped and found out about the 2nd guy and after living in denial about it for about a month, I had finally come clean about it. So, I thought my marriage was basically in ruins. This guy was feeling trapped in his relationship so we bonded over it. As I said we have always had a strong attraction to one another but had never acted on it until this point (Summer/Fall 2012). He drives a truck for work and would come by my house while working so we joked that he was my stalker. Less than 2 weeks later, we kissed and started a PA. We had agreed that it was just sex since neither of us were in the position to start anything new. However, it NEVER felt like it was just sex. It went on for about a month and a half. In November, he came over and we were intimate like usual but this time was different becuase he stuck around for a while and we cuddled. Normally, we would do the deed and he would leave shortly after. After that, I rarely heard from him. I hadn't seen him in 3 weeks and he was barely talking to me. I finally went to his job and waited for him to get off work one night and asked what was going on. All I got out of him was that his gf was up his butt and that we would do it again soon. After that I came clean to hubby, hubby told his gf and we were to have no contact.

So, now it is going on 10 months later. Last month, my hubby got a letter in the mail...anonymously. Telling him about a 2nd profile I had and such. Then a week or two later, this guy unblocked me on facebook and we were having a poking war. We started talking again which hubby discovered and threw a fit about. So, now we stopped talking on facebook and are texting again but are careful to cover the tracks. Anyways, we were texting yesterday and I told him everything I had been wanting to say since things ended last year...since we were unable to talk. I ask him what he wants and he gives me a run around and turns it around on me. I finally get him to answer the question and he answers it with, " I don't know. I really don't want to get burned again". I tell him that is understandable and that I got burned in this whole thing too. I apologized for my hubby ratting him out to his gf. Then, he said something about keeping things cool for a while.

So, my questions are as follows: What the heck does this mean? To me it sounds like he wants to start things back up but is leary since I opened my mouth last time. Sound about right? I also asked him if that was what happened...I got too close the last night we were together last year and he redirected the conversation. So, could that be why he pulled away? Was he maybe scared about how close I was getting? We always talked about having walls up and anytime I asked him if he let a wall fall...all I could get out of him was I don't know and a winky smiley face. Is that a yes but I don't want to admit it or a no I don't want to hurt your feelings. I have told him that I just want him to be honest with me about it and that it probably wouldn't have changed anything at the time. So I guess, I am just wondering what this means?? What does his answers mean and what does him pushing me away mean? He tends to be closed off to people emotionally so he is hard to read...he calls it being mysterious. He says I am this way too which is why I finally laid everything I had wanted to say out on the table. I just want some outlook into this.