Never thought I would be here

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-12-2008
Never thought I would be here
3
Fri, 12-12-2008 - 10:52pm

I have lurked these boards for years and posted a few times and have found the support and advice warm and mind easing. In the past I had a "friend" that I thought would end up in an EA. While we have chemistry and flirt and talk about what it would be like, it has never materialized. I love him and we will always be friends, but I know we will never be together in that way which brings me to where I am now....


I commute to work and have met someone. He works for the transportation company and "mans" the train I ride from time to time. I noticed him back in Jauary and right away there was spark. He would smile at me and I would turn into this little school girl and blush and look away, etc. Well, their schedules change on a regular basis so I do not always get to see him. Well recently when I have been able to see him, there has been alot more chemistry. We make small talk about his kids and W, my son and H but we mostly spend the short time we have making eyes and smiling at each other.


This week has been off the charts. It was really cold yesterday and while we were on our way to the next station he saw how cold I was, and

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-14-2008
Sat, 12-13-2008 - 9:44am

Hi Betty..

To the dismay of my great support team over on the EAS board..I've had to come here. I broke the promise to myself in staying out of my A. Broke NC big time and now I feel like I can't be on the EAS board at the moment. I tried so hard to stay away and I got sucked back into it..If any of my supporters on there read this..they'll know. I just don't feel like I should be on there now..I'm still in it..again.

I, too felt just like you in the beginning. That heat..that lust..that spark that comes with someone NEW in your life. And that is the key word here. He's new and of course you are going to melt when he's around you. I'm sure the love is there for your H and he has it for his W. But..you two struck a chord in each other..a connection. Does it make it right? NO.

I wouldn't enter into it if I were you..as much as you're drawn to him. In the long run it will only bring pain. I wish I had never allowed my heart to go to the place it's gone. I have tried to stay away from him..but I get sucked back in every single time I hear from him..

I saw my AP's wife for the first time..she is nothing like I expected her to be..but it was hard. I know now why he is physically attracted to me..and maybe that is all it is with him and me..but it still hurt to see her interact so lovingly with their children and know what I know about her husband.

It's painful..be careful. The spark always fades..that will be true with everyone..it's enduring love that counts.

Logan

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-06-2008
Sat, 12-13-2008 - 10:12pm

Wow....Logan gave excellent advice. I don't think I could put it any better than that.

I know it seem hypocritical for us to tell you not to get involved in an A. I guess I'll make a poor comparison here. Mom and Dad have smoked for 20 years. You want to smoke. Mom tells you please don't do it, it's really bad for your health and it's so addicting you will have a really hard time quitting. That is pretty much having an A.

We all KNOW that it is bad for our health. We all are addicted to it. Many of us deep down would probably end it but our body becomes addicted to those endorphins that are released with newer, better man. But it's not real. It goes away! It may just take a little longer for it to go away in an affair since you are not together getting sick of one another every day. But it does fade, I can promise you that.

The lows are very difficult. I have considered ending my life in the past. Not because of the affair directly, but because if the depression that it has caused me. It's NOT worth it!! I have been in this A for over 2 years. Here is a fact that I just realized this week.
I have been VERY busy and have not had a chance to talk to AP for the past 2 weeks. I missed him like crazy, I wanted to talk to him but just didn't have the time. I was happy, light hearted, optimistic. I was not snapping at everyone, I was not feeling any depression and I was spending good quality time with my family.

All of a sudden I have time to talk to him. We talk, he made me feel bad about something. I was mad at myself for bringing "something" up then I just ended the conversation with him. I was left feeling all angsty and miserable again. So yea. Just say no. Take another train, remind yourself and him OUT LOUD that you are married and should not be doing this flirting.

Good luck to you!

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-12-2008
Sun, 12-14-2008 - 12:17am

Thank you both for your advice. I know that this is dangerous ground on which I am treading and am not taking it lightly. There are alot of things that have brought me to this point but I am not making excuses. I know the right thing to do is forget about him and do exactly what you said, "take a different train", but I don't know that I can...and more importantly, if I am completely honest, I do not want to do the right thing. I love the rush, he has brought something to life in me that I thought was long gone, and for that I will be grateful to him. I will spend the next few weeks without seeing him and it will be hard as he now occupies my mind when things are quiet. I know that if I continue down this path I will end up hurt, as will he, I am not fool enough to believe that we would be immune to the same pitfalls you have both experienced.


It is so comforting to have this "safe place" to talk about it as there is no way I can tell anyone in my "real life". Thank you again, and please know I have taken your words to heart. I will post again if anything happens.


Thanks again!