Never would have guessed I'd be here

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-08-2009
Never would have guessed I'd be here
6
Thu, 08-27-2009 - 2:17pm

I posted a while back when I was trying to end my EA with my old high school boyfriend I had reconnected with on FB.

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-17-2007
Thu, 08-27-2009 - 3:39pm

I should start my response by saying I've never had an affair.

Pregnancy%20ticker
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-08-2009
Thu, 08-27-2009 - 4:20pm

Thanks for posting flagirl and what you say is true.

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-28-2009
Fri, 08-28-2009 - 1:13am

Your situation sound eerily like mine...but add ten years....I never thought I'd be here either.....I'd been unhappy in my marriage for a very long time (I was realizing this over the years thru therapy for my depression issues).

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-09-2009
Fri, 08-28-2009 - 1:37am
I am in a similar situation except we never had a PA. Some days i think that he will get the b*lls to end it as i believe him completely when he said he was unhappy but he would be the bad guy and i dont think he could stand that guilt. Some days i believe that he has dealt with this for almost 20 years and will continue to do so, so my only option is to keep him in my heart and savor our memories because we will never be together. I think you always have a tiny ray of hope in the background, but i cant stand the waiting as i am not getting younger and i dont want to be here in 5 years time thinking his leaving is just around the corner.
My advice to you is to treasure the moments you have and move on with your life and try to work on bettering you M with your H. Your AP is back home and his wife has complete control so there is no way she would ever let anything slip by to get to him. If he ever gets the courage to leave you may choose to be with your AP or decide that he showed his devotion to you when he went back to his family and stay with H. Either way you have a tough road ahead and i have found this place to be so comforting-even if i dont post, i read all and it helps me immensely. Good luck.


Edited 8/28/2009 1:49 am ET by sometimesblue
Que Sera Sera - Whatever will be, will be.
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-17-2007
Fri, 08-28-2009 - 10:05am

For starters, I'm very sorry for the hurt and agony you're going through.

Pregnancy%20ticker
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-23-2007
Fri, 08-28-2009 - 2:24pm

I know you are hurting and I want to say first that I am sorry. You have to realize that his W is not holding him hostage in a M, and she is not stopping him from being with you. The bottom line is that if he wanted to be with you he would be. He is a grown man. As women, we romanticize and want the fairy book ending and romance. The lost love of 30 years, they find each other and live happily ever after. Life and M is just not like that. Yes, he and his W may have had their problems stay M long enough and every M will go through some hard times but him and his W are standing as a united front against you and he has chosen his W and his M. When you write you can't believe it is true, you are just setting yourself up for a life of hurt and fantasy. You will probably live the rest of your life pining after a guy who is M to someone else. You are looking into a one way mirror where you only see yourself and what you want and need. The MM and his W have a life of their own and whatever is going on in their world and their M is just as important to them as your needs are to you. They have made a choice to stand together and stay M. You said yourself that his W put him out the first time, he didn't leave on his own and then the two of them (him and his W) chose to work on their M and rid their M of the third party (YOU). I don't mean to be harsh I just believe that you really need some tough love because you have created a fantasy in your mind; and if you were to really step outside of what YOU feel and see the situation for what it really is you will see the truth. The man is M to someone else and has chosen to stay with her - period. You made a choice to sleep with a MM and unfortunate as it may be he was never yours in the first place.


It's time to take care of you and stop digging up old flames on facebook trying to re-create a fantasy that probably wasn't all that great 30 years ago as you thought; because if it was so wonderful with him the two of you would have never ended in the first place. Deal with what is going on in your own M and stop trying to escape to a world where you don't have to deal with your own situation. Stop worrying about him because he has someone else who loves him and obviously who he loves and the two of them have decided to be together. Stop telling yourself that he doesn't love his W. Over time love evolves into all sorts of things and although he probably had new and exciting S with you that is not the stuff which makes M last. Stop yourself now and take control of your own life.