New at this

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-12-2003
New at this
8
Fri, 09-12-2003 - 10:53pm
Do they ever leave their wives when kids are involved? I have know MM for 10 years and we have been friends all this time. I knew MM before the marriage, there was an attraction from the first time we met but I was involved with one of his friends. MM now lives in another state but have stayed in contact over the years. MM married a year before I divorced. About six months ago, our conversations began to take a more intimate turn. We had always discussed our relationships and kids, etc but we finally began to discuss our attraction to one another. During one of these discussions, he told me that he loved me. After three months of talking we finally met for a weekend, which was wonderful. The intensity of our relationship has grown, and I am head over heels in love with him. MM's kids are very young, he is very active in their upbringing and it would kill him to not have custody of them. MM's wife is emotionally and mentally abusive. While I understand that he has stayed in the marriage because of the kids, when is enough, ENOUGH. I don't understand why he hasn't filed for divorce for the sake of his sanity. I continue to be his friend and confidant and will do so regardless of the outcome of our intimate relationship. I find it more and more difficult to "share" him however. I am torn as to whether I continue the intimate part of our relationship or tell him that part of it is over until he decides what he is going to do. Please help.
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-26-2003
In reply to: saatty
Fri, 09-12-2003 - 11:10pm
Dear Saatty,

Your thinking sounds pretty rational to me, so listen to yourself.

Read the other posts here. As others will repeat, never leave a

relationship for someone else, only leave for yourself. It applies

to him too. Best of wishes to you...

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-12-2003
In reply to: saatty
Fri, 09-12-2003 - 11:26pm
Thank you for your response. It is a really hard decision to make. My head tells me that this is what I should do but my heart tells me to stick it out for a little while longer. It seems that it is an issue of timin for me and MM. When I am available, he isn't and vice versa. It breaks my heart to think that he and I will/may not have a life together as a couple and will only be friends from here on out. I truly love him and I know he loves me. I never thought I would ever be in this situation and to be quite honest, I used to be very judgmental of those who had affairs, which is why we did not act on our initial attraction to one another. He also was not the type to have an affair and look where we are now. I am so confused as to what to do.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
In reply to: saatty
Sat, 09-13-2003 - 8:46am
Hi Saatty,

You are the only one who can answer these questions of yours, but... if it were your best girlfriend who came to you with this dilemma, what would you tell her? And given your experience now in an EMA, do you think your advice for her to be true and sound? If so, then apply it to yourself.

These things are never easy, but sometimes the head does make more sense than the heart. We don't listen to it nearly as often as we should...

good luck,

lily

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-26-2003
In reply to: saatty
Sat, 09-13-2003 - 9:53am
Dear Satty,

It is tough when your head and your heart are

not cooperating, been there.... It may take a

long time, but your head is stronger and will

ultimately win, I think. Or maybe the head is

just more determined than the heart.

Isn't it amazing how a stroll in the shoes of

someone having an affair cures that judgemental

outlook? I was like that once too.

Good luck with your choices. Tell us what you

decide and how it goes.

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-04-2003
In reply to: saatty
Sat, 09-13-2003 - 11:31pm
I too was very judgemental of those who had affairs. I just didn't get it & look where I am now. I did get tired of waiting w/the mm that I was seeing a few years ago. I told him not to leave for me, that it was over. He then left maybe a few days later. The bad thing is that it was for me, he tried to tell me it wasn't, but I knew better. I tried to be with him, but he drank alot, more then normal, because he was so misrable without his kids. He was with them most of the time and then hardly allowed around them at all. His w had just had a baby when he left and since she knew the reason for him leaving she wouldn't let him see the baby, saying that he didn't even give that baby a chance. I'm not sure what the really meant, but she was out of her mind most of that time. I finally said it was over and he was back at home with her the same day. So I don't know what to tell you. Maybe since you two are really good friends and have been for years, you still can. And hopefully he won't jump the gun and go running for the door, because he's afraid of losing you. I see that you said his w is mentally abusive, so maybe it's best that he leave soon, but he still needs to leave for his own reason's and not for you. JMO. Anyhow, is he staying to protect his kids from w's mental and emotional abuse? Or is that mainly him that get's the abuse? Anyhow, I feel for you, but yes, men do leave that have children. I don't think any couple should stay together for the kids sake if they do nothing but make each other unhappy. If they can't get along, they don't love each other anymore, then the kids pick up on this. And I don't believe any kid is better off with two unhappy parents together then happy ones that are apart. Again, just my opinion.
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-24-2003
In reply to: saatty
Sun, 09-14-2003 - 6:49pm
Hi satty,

I'm not sure I can really answer anything for you... but I just wanted to broach the subject of your MM's children.

I'm taking it that although you were married... you didn't have children??? I'm not sure whether I got that right... so bear with me.

This is just to try and help you understand... or anyone that doesn't have children. MM and I have had many conversations lately about our lives and our children and those that have been part of our lives. MM come out and said point blank to me that I understood his situation... and no one would... unless they had children of their own. He has always said that he would never stay in a marriage because of his children... but where is he now?? fighting to keep his marriage... why? for his children. They have a profound effect on anyone and until you have them... you never quite understand.

It's not to say that one should stay in an unhappy marriage for their children... but in reality it's what that one person can handle. I can say that both MM and I continue to build on our marriages for the sake of our children... one thing both of us would never do as neither of our parents had the best of marriages.

As for what you need to do... only you can ultimately decide that... set yourself boundaries and limitations and even a timeframe if that's what must be done. While it will never be easy to walk away... if it hurts you so much to stay, wondering and waiting... you must decide what is going to be easier in the end.

I wish you all the best and do keep us up to date.

luv and hugs

Sweet

Sweet
Co-Community Leader My

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-12-2003
In reply to: saatty
Sun, 09-14-2003 - 7:23pm
I thank all of you for your responses, it is a relief to talk to people in similar situations to gain some insight as to what I have gotten myself into.

I am divorced and do have children. When I filed for divorce, there was no one else involved, I left because I was miserable, I hated my life and mostly hated who I had become with my XH. I tried to stick it out for the kids sake but it got to the point that I was working more and more and basically avoiding having to go home because I just didn't want to be in the same house with XH. Ultimately that meant that I was spending less and less time with my kids, which broke my heart. So I finally filed for divorce. There was a period of adjustment for the kids and to some extent they are still adjusting (it has been 4 years) because my XH changes girlfriends like socks and is the ultimate part time parent. But their home life with me is very stable and I am active in all of their activities.

I used to be very jaded when it came to love and to "soul mates". I thought that this concept applied to only a select few people and the rest of us were just destined to go through life with the best we find. I have been fortunate enough to have found a hand full of soul mate friends - you know the girlfriends that know you better than anyone else and will do anything for you. I didn't think that I would ever feel that for someone I was romantically involved with though. As I previously said, MM and I have been friends for a number of years and I always though of him as a soul mate friend and denied any other feelings for him because the timing was not right. Well the timing still isn't right, but I am glad that he told me that he loved me anyway.

The great thing is that I knew he loved me before there was any physical relationship. I wish I could describe the way that he looks at me. He moves me, he fills my heart and soul with such joy. I now know what people mean that you "just know" when you are truly in love with someone. It all makes sense now.

I just know that we would be very happy together, that there would be a sense of peace in our life. That is what makes the idea of walking away from our romantic relationship so difficult. I would never dream of giving him an ultimatum (leave your wife or else lose me) because I know if he did not have kids, it would be a nonissue. I would never forgive myself if he walked away for me and jeopardized his chances of getting custody of the kids.

To answer some of the other questions, the abuse is directed to MM but at times is done in front of the kids. She also says things to make MM look like the bad guy or that MM is the source of all tension in the house. She will say things like they can't go somewhere or do something because MM "is too busy to spend time with his family". That is a very mild form of the things she says about MM. She will say that he is a lousy H and father in front of the kids and will pick fights in front of them. Of course they start crying when the yelling starts and if he tries to remove the kids from the room or distract them in some way, she will physically attack him. When he is warding her off or pushes her off of him, she will scream and cry or drop to the floor to make it appear as if he has struck her or hurt her in some way. I have told him that this is a very dangerous situtation to be in, both physically and emotionally (for MM and the kids). He just doesn't want to be the one who is blamed for breaking up the family. JMO. Anyway that is the summary of the situation.

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-04-2003
In reply to: saatty
Mon, 09-15-2003 - 12:18am
I really feel bad for your mm. That w of his is nothing but trouble. She doesn't sound as if she deserves him or her kids. I have no tolorence for parents who pull that kind of sh**t. None! Those poor children. I really feel for them. I wish I could say that he should run for the door right away, but I wonder what insane stunt she'd pull if he did leave. That is really a tuff situation he's in & you. I'm really sorry. She just seems to be very unbalanced, in my opinion. Maybe you'll both get lucky and she'll decide she doesn't want him. I really don't know what to tell you. With someone like her, you never know what stunt they'd pull. It really sucks to allow someone to run your life, but with his kids, I understand him being afraid to try and leave. Again, I'm really sorry and I hope he finds away to extract himselve from her clutches.