New and Confused

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-30-2004
New and Confused
4
Thu, 04-08-2004 - 1:16pm
I'm so sad. Reading everyone's posts makes me feel like I really don't have a problem and I am just over exaggerating things in my own mind. I hope not. LOL

I met MM in September last year and we hit it off immediately. I am divorced with 2 kids. He was working here and his W was up North with their kids, he would fly there for 3-4 days every month. Still when he was gone he would call everyday. So, from September till January 1st we were together. We dated, saw each other everyday and got very close. He actually lived with me and my kids for a little over a month. I knew W was moving here in January, which was already planned before I met him. He has been very open with me and said he was planning to leave W after their farm was sold. He tells me how much he loves me all the time, how he wants to be with me and just to be patient and we will be together soon.

Since W moved here in January, of course I don't seen him everyday now. We do talk on the phone everyday, usually on his way to work and on his way home from work. We have lunch one or two days a week and he tries to get out with the "guys" one night on the weekends. It was really hard for me earlier this year but I have gotten use to the new schedule (not seeing each other everyday) and try very hard not to push too hard.

There have been numerous times that W should have figured things out (way too many clues). Somehow he always convinces her that he's not having A and calms her down. MM keeps telling me that things will happen but not until farm is sold and he gets his ducks in a row.

For the past couple of months we have been planning on spending Spring Break together. W was going up North with kids to visit family and he was "coming home" (his words). Then last week he told me that he had to go with her to take care of some business, etc. I was very upset by this, yet still tried to remain strong.

We saw each other Thursday, Friday and Saturday last week and he even called on his way home from work, Saturday to tell me how much he loved me and it would only be a week. It has been 5 days since he left to go up North and he hasn't called me at all. We haven't gone 5 days without talking since I met him over 6 months ago. The longest has been 2 days. This week has been especially hard since I had lived and planned for months that we would be together and it could be like it was last year, even if it would only be for a week.

He is due back this weekend and I'm sure he will call Monday. But now I'm not sure how I am feeling. As much as I want to talk to him, I am angry and hurt that he hasn't called. What do I say to him? How do I tell him how upset I am without getting angry or yelling? I really can't imagine what could be keeping him from calling me. NC seems to be very hard. I imagine so many things that could be keeping him from contacting me. Maybe he was in an accident, maybe W went to see an attorney while they are up there, maybe they are working things out (I don't really believe that one much), who knows? I just know it is eating at me all day, everyday.

Thanks for listening and any words of advice would be greatly appreciated.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-04-2004
Thu, 04-08-2004 - 1:39pm
hi Chris,

As impossible as it is... probably have to wait and see. As a MM, it was(is) sometimes hard for me to call every day, especially on weekends when my W would all but stalk me to be sure I wasn't doing anything.

If he's up there with kids, W, family, etc. it might be he just can't get a moment alone. And when he does, he might honestly be afraid of calling. I know that as much as I wanted to see/talk to my OW sometimes, if it had been most of the day Sunday before I called I knew I was going to get the chilly response. There were definitely times I wanted to just not call... especially if my W had been riding me like her pet pony all day (and I do NOT mean that sexually...)

Any number of things might be contributing. When you talk to him, just try to find out what was going on and let him explain. It's hard to do without being angry or yelling, I know what you mean. But ultimately, pushing too hard might make a bad situation worse if you make any kind of "you owe me an explanation" kind of statements. Believe me, he knows he owes you an explanation. And if he doesn't... drop him.

good luck, and welcome to the board.

rain

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-30-2004
Thu, 04-08-2004 - 2:22pm
Chris,

I've also had those days of NC. MM went to NFR in November, he left on a Wed. afternoon, before he left he came and told me how miserable he was at home, how he hates it there, hates her....was supposed to call me on the following Monday to check and let me know how he did. Tuesday morning they were leaving on a family vacation for Thanksgiving and he wasn't coming back til the following Tuesday. Well, I get no phone call on that Monday as scheduled...then no phone call all week...until Sunday afternoon at 2:00. Ok, this is when most people are with their families having Sunday dinner. I cannot talk....so when he comes back he tells me that he is sorry for what he did. That he knew he should have called when he said he would, but had no opportunity. Then he was "nervous" about calling later cause he knew I was mad but felt he should call and check in before he sees me again on Tues. at work!! So Rain is very correct....I think time passes and they don't have the opportunity and then when they do they are bracing themselves for what we are going to say..... I've made the mistake Rain talks about....letting him have it! Now I see that's not how to handle it, because just as they call us when it's sometimes not convenient for us, they don't always have the opportunity to make contact either.

I was also feeling neglected in the phone call department and then I realize that we talk every day at work, also his wife watches his cell bill so he doesn't have the luxury of calling anytime he wants to. He never told me any of this until his best friend called me Private one day at work and I panicked......MM had forgotten to clear my # from BF's cell phone......which he had been using to call me numerous times...... So there can be many reasons...I know that you are worried but keep you chin up and realize that even tho there isn't contact he is wishing there was and I am sure missing you as much as you are missing him.......

Hang in there.

Kitty

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-30-2004
Thu, 04-08-2004 - 2:27pm
Rain, thanks so much for your words of advice. I've read many of your posts and you always seem to have a good perspective on things. I'm sure I'm just letting my imagination get the best of me today.

Thanks

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-30-2004
Thu, 04-08-2004 - 2:36pm
Kitty,

Thank you also for your words of encouragement. I really hope he is missing me as much as I miss him. This is just so unlike him. I work from home and wonder if maybe I just have too much time on my hands to think. LOL

Thanks