New and in need of a shoulder

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-02-2004
New and in need of a shoulder
12
Mon, 04-05-2004 - 9:28am
I've been lingering around this board for a little while reading some of your stories, and feeling a need to have someone listen to mine. I'm not sure what good it will do, but somehow voicing it all and having someone talk to me about it seems like it would help.

I've been married 8 and a half yrs now, and we were very VERY happy the first 4. Then my H decided he needed something else, and had an A. I was devistated, but I took him back. We went through a lot of trust issues, a lot of fighting, etc. but we made it. He's always been worried about the "revenge factor" but I would never get involved with someone purely for revenge. In fact, I never thought I would do something like that at all. Until recently.

Last summer, I started to become better friends with a guy at work. It was completely innocent, but little by little, I got closer to him without even realizing it. At the same time, my H lost his job and became a couch potato. He's home all day, making a mess in the house, and not doing any of the housework, not contributing in any way. I work full time, and become frustrated when I walk into all this work that needs to be done, and him sitting in the middle of it. We started fighting alot, and I found myself turning to my OM for consolation. He made me feel good about myself, started doing little things for me, and gave me a new lease on life. Before I knew it, I was falling in love with him. He has two jobs, is raising his 2 kids, and goes out of his way to do those little things everyday that make me smile. Needless to say, it didn't take long before I found myself in his arms. I swore I would never let it go too far, but last week we took that final step, and it is now officially an affair.

Meanwhile, H is making me feel guilty as hell. He's trying to be wonderful all of a sudden. I have been imagining a whole other life with this man who makes me so very happy, and it seems like the more I do that, the more H is trying (although I don't think he has any idea what I'm up to). So now I'm more confused than ever. I want to start a new life with OM, but I don't have the nerve to tear our 5yr old son away from his father, or to initiate this life-changing event. And here's the worst part: I am still in love with H. There's just so much that I need that he doesn't seem to want to give. And now I'm afraid of hurting both of them. I know I need to make a decision, but I don't know how to do that. I truely love OM now, and I don't want to lose him.

Not sure what I'm looking for here. Maybe someone to tell me I'm not a selfish B (that's what I feel like most of the time). Maybe just to know I'm not alone. Maybe some advice from the outside. Whatever you have to offer, I'd like to hear.

Thanks.

Angel

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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-04-2004
Mon, 04-05-2004 - 9:55am
Hi Angel,

I think if you really still love H then you need to have a hard conversation with him -- the one where you tell him he has to get up off the couch.

I can understand that losing his job and not really being in a position to support the family is detrimental to his mindset, which leads to laying on the couch and doing nothing. Cleaning up at that point probably would make him feel even further removed -- now he's doing "wife" chores. I'm not suggesting all men are this way, but lots of them are, and they'd rather be lazy slobs than working around the house. If they *choose* to be lazy and lounge around then it's almost like they chose to be unemployed. And eventually it might become a much better feeling to do nothing than go out and risk rejection in a tough job market.

You're definitely not alone. Most of us on the board are/were looking for something we weren't getting. Some of us move on, some of us mix lives, and I'm sure a few of us have found a way to work things out.

Take your time. Don't make any quick decisions. Give some thought to what you'd really want from your H, then tell him and ask what he needs from you. Maybe it will work out, maybe it won't. But if you still really feel something for him, and you think you might like to work it out somehow, don't feel too bad for the OM. You need to do what's right for you. It's a little selfish, and it's hard, but it's right.

Good Luck

rain

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-14-2004
Mon, 04-05-2004 - 11:27am
First of all, you're not a bad person. I know it is easy to feel that way, but you are simply trying to sort out what you want and need out of life. Is that selfish? Sure. But sometimes we have to be selfish to keep ourselves sane. I'm not excusing having an A, because I do believe that to be wrong. That may sound odd, considering I've been unfaithful myself, but I don't excuse my own behavior either. I am able to look at it and see my errors and know that I don't want to ever do that again.

As far as your situation goes, I think it is time for counseling. Your H needs to know how unhappy you are. Loving him is fine. You have to have that. But if your values and his clash and you aren't communicating, love isn't nearly enough. And if you can't resolve these differences, you'll have to ask yourself if you can live with these issues. If not, then some hard decisions will have to be made. I somehow doubt him not cleaning while he is home is actually the problem. Even if he were to do that, I think the issues would still exist.

Your OM sounds like a good man. But you can't leave for him. If you run from one R to another, odds are you won't have addressed any issues you may have. That can hinder your new R. If you decide you need to leave, it is wise to have some time to yourself. Rain can tell you a lot about this issue.

One other thing I wanted to say...you mention you don't want to take your 5 year old son away from his father. I guess I'm wondering what kind of father your H is. I mean I am a hands-on, emotionally bonded father and when I leave my M, I will have shared custody. I will have my son almost half the time. I feel this is the most fair solution if your H is a good father. Just something to consider.

I wish you luck as you move forward. You've entered a very difficult time in your life and it will take some time to come out on the other side. First you must decide what path you want to take. No matter what decisions you make, be strong and be true to yourself.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-02-2004
Mon, 04-05-2004 - 12:27pm
It's actually very helpful to have a guy's perspective. I never thought about the chore thing the way you presented it. I think that somehow helps the way I look at it. My H is a musician, a "creator" if you will. He likes to make things, not clean them. In all fairness, I should mention that there are 2 things he does somewhat regularly: grocery shopping and cooking dinner. He likes to create dishes, and shop to plan them. That's a huge help to me (especially since those are 2 things I hate doing), and when he's working full time, they are enough to make me happy. Right now, grocery shopping once a week and cooking maybe 3X's a week just isn't cutting it. And we have had this discussion. I've told him I need more from him. I've offered to make a list. Or ask for chores individually. Or whatever he needs me to do. He tells me he's depressed. He can't bring himself to do anything. But he refuses to talk to a counsellor about it. He says he just needs to get through it. But he's been out of work for awhile, and unemployment ran out already. And I'm feeling like he's not doing enough to fix it. I haven't given up on him, but I just don't know what else to do. I realize that OM has been my escape, but now I have real feelings for him also.
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-03-2004
Mon, 04-05-2004 - 2:28pm
Hi, Angel... I think that Rain makes a valid point from a man's perspective. It's obvious your husband is depressed and you can't fix that for him. Having said that, I am a musician too and I still manage to get my house clean, etc., etc. If H's unemployment has run out, he's been unemployed a while now. You may just have to use some tough love. You can't be an enabler by allowing the behaviour to continue at your expense. But whatever else you do, don't make a decision regarding your marriage based on your relationship with OM. That needs to be a separate issue. I don't think you said.. or I missed it.. is OM single? Is he looking or pushing you to make a commitment for something more? I think almost everyone here will tell you that making a decision on your marriage or your EMA has to be done as completely detached issues. I know that sounds crazy, but if you leave you marriage because of OM and it turns out not as wonderful as you hoped, you may take old baggage into the new relationship. If you stop seeing OM because of issues with H, you may project your sadness into your relationship with H and cause even more grief. I'd say try and get the marriage (and H) back on track -- counselling is a definite must -- then decide about the EMA.
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-02-2004
Mon, 04-05-2004 - 3:59pm
Thanks for the kind words. They certainly do help. And I do agree that the A is wrong; I'm not justifying it (although I don't believe I could be doing it if I didn't have in the back of my head that he did it once too).

I agree with your advice about counseling, but he won't hear it. I begged him to go with me to talk to someone after his A almost 4 yrs ago, and he absolutely refused. I ended up going by myself at the time. I'm wondering if it's time to go back by myself.

I do believe my H is a good father, tho if we don't agree on how to handle everything, and I know that he would still want some sort of visitation rights if we seperated, but what worries me is the impact it will have on my son. My father left when I was very young, and it took a great toll on me. I guess I feel guilty being the one to initiate that. I feel like I should put up with things no matter what, because I made this commitment and I have to stand by it. That's why I feel selfish thinking about making a change for me.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-02-2004
Mon, 04-05-2004 - 4:27pm
My OM is seperated and waiting for the divorce to go through. He has custody of his two children, and he's a great father. I certainly don't mean to imply that H is a bad person, because he's not, but OM is all of the things I wish H were, including they way he is with his kids. He's not pushing me in any way, in fact, he's usually looking out for me more than I do myself (he'll ask things like, "is that gonna put you in a bad situation? will it cause more problems for you?") He tells me that he's aware of the situation and accepts it as it is. More would be nice, but this is better than nothing at all. All that only makes me care about him more.

I do agree that my M has to be judged on it's own merrit and not against the EMA, and I've told OM as much. He agrees. I explained that I can't just leave the committment I made because something better came along, and he seemed to understand that. He has never pressured me. Except that the prospect of what he wants to offer me is so very tempting. It's very difficult to seperate the two, but I'm trying. I'm pretty sure the only reason I haven't left already is that I am trying to figure out the M first.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-03-2004
Mon, 04-05-2004 - 5:24pm
Good girl, Angel.. then you are taking the right steps. I know it's hard. I'm having the same struggle (seperating the two relationships). Difference is, it's easier for me because I decided all along that I would never never never leave my M (for other reasons). I do wish you the best, and hope you find the peace of mind you so obviously crave. Please let us know how you do.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Mon, 04-05-2004 - 8:46pm
An affair isn't going to solve your problem. First try to salvage your marriage, if you can't do that, you will have to leave him.

As far as taking him away from his father, you won't do that. Your husband will get visitation rights. If you continue to juggle with two men, you will not find happiness. Make up your mind, which one you can live with.

You might find, the OM is as troublesome when you get to know him more, especially by living with him. Two families blending have trouble adjusting.

Think it over, you sound like a very loving person who wants to find happiness. Happiness lies within. Go inward and find yourself. Be your own friend. See that you are a worthy person. Get involved with something that facinates you. You have a five year old son who needs you. How can you juggle a complicated life and see that his needs are met?

Good luck












iVillage Member
Registered: 04-02-2004
Tue, 04-06-2004 - 8:04am
Thanks for the good advice. I do know that I need to make a decision. The A is definately complicating my life. But the problem is, it's also making me very happy right now. I know that is incredibly selfish, but sometimes I just think... What about ME??? It's always about H, out of work, feeling insecure, what he wants, what he needs, etc., etc. When do I get to think about ME? This EMA is one of the few things I've done in my life that is purely selfish. So I feel guilty because I know it's wrong. But it's so nice to do what feels good for once in my life. Except that I hate myself for it.

Just venting now i guess. not having a good morning :(

Angel

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-02-2004
Thu, 04-29-2004 - 6:39pm
I started this post a couple of weeks ago, and I wanted to follow up on it. I wanted to let you know that I figured out what was missing in my life… my Husband. I guess I didn’t realize (or maybe just didn’t want to realize) what a difficult place he’s been in since he lost his job. I was caught up in my own feelings, and I didn’t see that he was calling out to me for help. He needed me, and I wasn’t there for him. That was the first step to my downfall.

My EMA was an escape for me, so that I didn’t have to face reality. There will always be someone out there willing to take advantage of a “damsel in distress” if you let them in. I portrayed my life in a slanted way and made myself available, and I deeply regret it. What I should have done was communicated my feelings to H and we would have been okay. Instead I let the stranger in.

My H discovered the A, and I’ve come clean with everything. What I found out is that he loves me enough to stand by me and work it out. Through it all, I never stopped loving them man who has always been by my side even now that I’ve betrayed him. To me, that is the definition of unconditional love, and I want more than anything in the world to find a way to make it up to him. It will be a long road, but we’re in this together. Forever.



I wish you all the best of luck, and I thank you for listening to me while I was here. I won’t be back because I have found true happiness where it always was… right next to me.

Angel

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