New and so confused

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-17-2004
New and so confused
6
Sat, 04-17-2004 - 4:29am
I dont have anyone to talk to, so I have been lurking here a little bit. I have a great H, a great M have been married 11 years. We have great kids. I love my H, my home, my life, etc.

Several months ago, I began working closely on an ongoing project with OM. Honestly, at first he annoyed me but we needed to work together. He is the BF, probably soon to be fiance, of a friend. Not a close friend, but a fairly good friend. As we worked together we became friends and found ourselves spending more time together. I don't know how it happened, but I started to notice I looked forward to our meetings more than I should. I thought it was just me. And then there were comments, emails--- nothing really specific, who knows what it was--- that sent up a flag that soemthing was happening. We ended up one night talking over drinks until one in the morning, eventually each confessing in horror that we were developing feelings/attraction for each other. We agreed we could not act on it.

However, our meetings and calls increased. We started exchanging more affectionate hugs (cheeks pressed, long hugs, murmurs like "this is so hard", etc.) Things start to get more overt, and then we both tend to back off. A couple of times he has called and gushed. He'll say he misses me, wants to see me again. Last week, he asked if I felt like an A was inevitable. I was shocked that I answered yes.

the thing is, as quickly as he gushes, he clams back up and it seems like everything is fine. When he gushes again he explains the coolness as being an "exquisite actor." In the mean time, I'm getting very confused. I was fighting my feelings/attraction very hard and finally decided that by fighting it so hard I was making it worse. Now I think of him often. I've fallen and I don't want to. I do, in some ways, feel an A is inevitable and I know it is the wrong thing to do!

Also, I feel silly. There is no good outcome to this. I'm walking around feeling miserable-- either feeling guilty for being so happy about the affection, etc or feeling rotten and rejected when he cools back down.

Tonight, he invited me out with his GF and some other friends. Against better judgement, I ended up going. It was weird. When I first got there, he seemed pleased. Put his arm around me briefly. Then after that all night there were really overt displays of extreme affection with his GF. On the one hand, it made me happy because I want things to work out for them. I care about them both. On the other hand, I was suprised that I felt jealous!! And on yet another hand I felt a little angry. He knows how stressed this is making me because of my M and I've never felt this way before. He keeps encouraging me and then pulling back. I feel very vulnerable. I know I'm just being silly.

It seems unfair to ask him to be consistent in his thoughts. I certainly am not. I go from wanting to let go and see what happens, to being sure we shouldn't even talk. I love my H, just as he loves his GF. They are considering getting married. I think he is confused. I think I'm just tired, and a little confused. I just wish he didn't encourage me. Now I feel silly for having opened up as much as I have to this point. Does he think I'm crazy? Is he toying with me? Is he as confused as I am?

And is it an A? It has been about a month since we had our first big talk. About 7 weeks since we started seeing each other alone regularly. We've said neither of us has been unfaithful technically. But we've lied about where we are. We have conversations about missing one and other. We sneak off to exchange hugs. Etc. I feel guilty. And I feel an emotional connection. And I don't want to. But I can't make it stop.

Should I talk to him about it again? Will these feelings go away? Why am I even thinking about these things in the first place? I have a great life, I love my H and my kids. I've nothing to complain about.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-08-2003
Sat, 04-17-2004 - 9:04am
I know how you feel. I love my H (no kids), we have a good life. The only problem is that H has bipolar disorder and has been hospitalized at least once, sometimes twice, every year we've been married (almost 8). So my feelings have changed for him a bit, I feel more like a caregiver at times than a wife. But he treats me like gold and I love him.

I've started up a friendship w/a guy I met on a sports message board. We've been chatting (along w/others) for about 6 months now. I know people that know him so I'm certain he's not a psycho or anything. Anyway, the other day we posted our pics online, and I posted one of my after my law school graduation. Its a good pic (the only one I had access to at the time so that's why I chose that one) and he emailed me to tell me I was as hot as he'd imagined. Suddenly yesterday, the exchanges started getting racy, and we've discussed meeting.

I have no idea what would happen if we do meet, or even what I want to happen, if anything. We're both married and he has a baby. I am a bit apprehensive for the fact that we're married, and the fact that I'm much heavier now than I was in the pic (though I'm still reltively attractive). I warned him of this but am still afraid that he'll see me and go wow, that's not the chick I've been fantasing about! and it will be a huge blow to my ego that I just don't need...I'm already pretty insecure...its not like I'd ever have to see him again but the thought of being so embarrassed is upsetting.

Anyway, like you I am confused and uncertain as to what to do next. I don't want to open a can of worms or hurt anyone, but I can't help the fact that I am intrigued and got super worked up just chatting w/him the other day. I think I may just suggest we get together for lunch and a drink, to check each other out in person, at least if it doesn't work out I won't have wasted a ton of effort on it...weird logic I guess but I don't want to let our exchanges go on for months and then meet, in case there's nothing there....

I wish I had any advice, this was more just to let you know you're not alone. Take care.

Visitor (not verified)
anonymous user
Sat, 04-17-2004 - 10:49am
I am married also and didn't think I would ever do this even though I feel I am in a marriage to someone whom although I love (my best friend) I don't and haven't ever really lusted after. As I look back though I can see where I dressed a certain way or made sure I looked good so I could get attention. Maybe I have been wanting this longer than I realize. I can never remember a time in our marriage from day one that I was excited that we were going away on a romantic week/weekend. Sometimes I think you percive your relationships one way but they are actually another way.

When I met my MM I was just taken back by how good looking he was. He flirted with me and I was flattered. I remember watching him talk ( I should have been paying attention it was work related) and just thought how much I wanted to kiss him. That was all I wanted to do but of course one thing happened and then I wanted more than another....

I still remember the first time he kissed me and I get a knot in my stomach! The sex is much better than with my H I think because of the intimacy we share and we make it "fun". It HAS made sex with my husband sometimes intolerable so please understand what you may be in for and think about it long and hard.

It is a MAJOR roller coaster ride!

deedee

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-09-2004
Sat, 04-17-2004 - 1:44pm
You know, he did something that was very disrespectful to you. He invited you to a party with his girlfriend, and actually got what he expected, and wanted. You were jealous.

This man can play some pretty good head games. If you are planning on ruining two homes, by continuing to see a man who has this little respect for you, by all means, ask your H for a separation, and do not do this to your family. If you are going to disrespect yourself enough to play right into this man's hands, then you need some time away from everyone to sort out what it is you truly want.

He is using you for nothing more than an extracurricular activity. He is going to ask another woman to marry him. Quite frankly, this man has no business EVER asking ANYONE to marry him. If this is the way he treats the women in his life, perhaps he needs a good therapist first.

Life

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-03-2004
Sat, 04-17-2004 - 2:04pm
Hi TTBF,

You sound like you may be falling into at least an Emotional Affair. It sounds like you have two problems, though. First, I'm not sure that you want this. Your screenname and your post both suggest that your heart is really in your home...there's just something that you're stunned to find elsewhere. If you can identify what it is, maybe you can work on incorporating it into your marriage?

The other problem is that he seems to be playing games. I'm not sure if he's just trying to see how far he can get with you or if he's trying to make you jealous. Either way, since he's single but involved, he's missing something in his relationship and he may be missing something in himself.

EMA's are terribly hard to deal with. They change everything, including your self-image. Some changes may be good, others are not. Be very careful before you allow this to go any further. Take your time and really look at what your priorities really are.

Either way, we're here for you, so please post back and let us know how you're doing.

(((HUGS)))



Cazrida


Edited 4/17/2004 2:07 pm ET ET by cazrida

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-17-2004
Sat, 04-17-2004 - 6:15pm
Don't do it. This guy is playing with your head and will just get you into bed and then walk away. All in all you will lose yourself and your self respect in the entire thing. My friend I know exactly where you are and how you feel. I have been there. I, did it and I had the affair. It is the attention that maybe you are not getting from your husband. It makes you feel desirable again. This offers you nothing but HURT and I mean terrible HURT. My best advice to you is to distance yourself from him. Do not see him anymore. Do not talk to him or email him. It will be hard for a few weeks, but believe me and I am speaking from experience here IT WILL PASS.

In the meantime, do some soul searching. Figure our what is missing. Go back to your marriage and bring back a spark. If that is just gone, then deal with that first. Believe me these are words of experience.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-16-2003
Sun, 04-18-2004 - 1:12am
I am in the same situation-I am totally consumed with thoughts of MM and feel such incredible guilt at home for having these thoughts.......its' rough and I have no advice to give at all because what do you do when you meet the right person at the wrong time? Is it fate or is it a test...UGH !!! All I know is I am falling in love with a man who isnt my husband and it does not feel good AT ALL (except when we are together) ! Good luck to you (and me!)