New to this board and need support please!!

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-24-2013
New to this board and need support please!!
Tue, 12-24-2013 - 6:36am

I am very new to this board. I have been searching the net for some answers and stumbled on this board. I really hope someone will be able to help me.

I met my AP 7 years back. We were best friends and co-workers from the beginning. I have been married all along and have a beautiful son who is now 12. My AP is single. My AP knew all along about my marital status and he is a very close family friend and particularly close to my son. I have been having a lot of issues in my marriage and I started confiding in him about 4 years back. We grew very close and he started showing romantic interest in me. In fact, he was the one who started the physical part of the relation though I was very emotionally involved with him by then. We are in an affair for the last 3 years now. My husband doesn’t suspect anything yet - or even if he does, he doesn’t say anything.

My AP got more and more emotionally attached to me with time. I have had many BFs before marriage but I have never experienced this kind of attachment. He literally would do anything for me. I never for a minute doubt that he loved me with all he had.

Even though we talked about my leaving my marriage, I didn’t have the courage to do so. Particularly because my son is so attached to my husband. Also, we are from a culture where divorce is very taboo. My AP didn’t push too much for this even though he always said that I was all he needed in his life. We are both from the same culture.

His family started pushing him to get married for some time now. He would always find some excuse to not marry. I used to encourage him to get married because I wanted him to have a family just like I did. Now finally he agreed. His family introduced him to a girl and they somehow agreed to get married. I tried stepping back from our relationship but my AP just couldn’t. He insisted that I was the one he loved and just couldn’t stop seeing me. Our relationship is mostly emotional with some sexual encounters - maybe once a month or so. Anyways, our relationship continued.

I was very surprised that the girl agreed to marry him even though he was downright rude to her many times. About a couple of month’s back he completely stopped talking to her and even blocked her on IM etc. They would occasionally exchange emails and that’s about all. They are still going ahead with the marriage which is in 3 days.

My AP is very close to his family (mom, dad and elder bro). He is a very simple, loving guy. Now the marriage is in 3 days and he has been communicating with the girl - going out etc with her for some time. All with my knowledge and he comes back and emails me everything about their meeting in details.

My heart breaks every time he mentions her name. And I have been asking him for reassurance so much. He always reassures me and says that his marriage is only a 'bump' and as soon as it is done with, he will again concentrate on our relationship. He wants to try and maintain harmony at home though.

My question is - what do you guys think his relation with his wife will be after their marriage? Will he fall in love because of the proximity with her? Because she is now family? Because of the newness of her?

What should I do? I of course want him to be in love with me as he is now. Should I step back and see where this goes? I don’t know what to do anymore. It hurts real bad to see him with someone else and I am not sure how I will endure if their marriage works out great and if and when they have kids etc.

Should I just pull back? I dread to think of losing him as a friend. Plus my family is so close to him - how will I explain? My son loves him sooo much, I feel so bad to keep him away from him. What do you suggest we do as the best course of action? I am also curious, what do you guys think his marriage will be like? What should I expect?