New to this board and need support please!!

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-24-2013
New to this board and need support please!!
10
Tue, 12-24-2013 - 6:39am

I am very new to this board. I have been searching the net for some answers and stumbled on this board. I really hope someone will be able to help me.

I met my AP 7 years back. We were best friends and co-workers from the beginning. I have been married all along and have a beautiful son who is now 12. My AP is single. My AP knew all along about my marital status and he is a very close family friend and particularly close to my son. I have been having a lot of issues in my marriage and I started confiding in him about 4 years back. We grew very close and he started showing romantic interest in me. In fact, he was the one who started the physical part of the relation though I was very emotionally involved with him by then. We are in an affair for the last 3 years now. My husband doesn’t suspect anything yet - or even if he does, he doesn’t say anything.

My AP got more and more emotionally attached to me with time. I have had many BFs before marriage but I have never experienced this kind of attachment. He literally would do anything for me. I never for a minute doubt that he loved me with all he had.

Even though we talked about my leaving my marriage, I didn’t have the courage to do so. Particularly because my son is so attached to my husband. Also, we are from a culture where divorce is very taboo. My AP didn’t push too much for this even though he always said that I was all he needed in his life. We are both from the same culture.

His family started pushing him to get married for some time now. He would always find some excuse to not marry. I used to encourage him to get married because I wanted him to have a family just like I did. Now finally he agreed. His family introduced him to a girl and they somehow agreed to get married. I tried stepping back from our relationship but my AP just couldn’t. He insisted that I was the one he loved and just couldn’t stop seeing me. Our relationship is mostly emotional with some sexual encounters - maybe once a month or so. Anyways, our relationship continued.

I was very surprised that the girl agreed to marry him even though he was downright rude to her many times. About a couple of month’s back he completely stopped talking to her and even blocked her on IM etc. They would occasionally exchange emails and that’s about all. They are still going ahead with the marriage which is in 3 days.

My AP is very close to his family (mom, dad and elder bro). He is a very simple, loving guy. Now the marriage is in 3 days and he has been communicating with the girl - going out etc with her for some time. All with my knowledge and he comes back and emails me everything about their meeting in details.

My heart breaks every time he mentions her name. And I have been asking him for reassurance so much. He always reassures me and says that his marriage is only a 'bump' and as soon as it is done with, he will again concentrate on our relationship. He wants to try and maintain harmony at home though.

My question is - what do you guys think his relation with his wife will be after their marriage? Will he fall in love because of the proximity with her? Because she is now family? Because of the newness of her?

What should I do? I of course want him to be in love with me as he is now. Should I step back and see where this goes? I don’t know what to do anymore. It hurts real bad to see him with someone else and I am not sure how I will endure if their marriage works out great and if and when they have kids etc.

Should I just pull back? I dread to think of losing him as a friend. Plus my family is so close to him - how will I explain? My son loves him sooo much, I feel so bad to keep him away from him. What do you suggest we do as the best course of action? I am also curious, what do you guys think his marriage will be like? What should I expect?

 

 

 

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-1999

No strangers can predict what his marriage will be like since we don't know him or her.  but I think it's very unfair of you to tell this guy that you won't leave your DH so you can be with him and then hope that his marriage doesn't work out.  If you are really his friend, don't you want him to be happy?  How can he really be happy if his marriage is miserable and he's still sneaking around to see you--and if his DW finds out then maybe there will be divorce and if not, at least scandal.  And how about this poor woman, who apparently doesn't even know this guy well yet?  Shouldn't she have a chance to be happy and not start off on a marriage that is a fraud?

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-20-2009
Wed, 12-25-2013 - 12:22am

If divorce is very taboo in your culture, I would imagine that having an affair is very much taboo in your culture also.  How can you expect a man to accept your crumbs, knowing you won't divorce your husband to be with him?  He has a right to his own life and family.  And if he's marrying her with the intention of continuing the affair with you, then you two deserve each other!  Doesn't your son deserve a full time Mother?  You want to have an affair because you're not happy at home......but you don't want your a/p to have a chance of happiness with his own woman?  That's completely selfish of you, and cheating on your husband is just as selfish.  You need to straighten out your priorities!

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-24-2013

Thanks for your comments. I am already burdened with the guilt so I know where you are coming from. Dont want to give an excuse for what happened - but it was never my intention to have an affair.

As for my AP having a right to his life and his woman, trust me, I have been telling him this for a very long time. In fact, I have tried to break it off more times than I can count. He is the one who always pushed for us to continue and he is the one who is still insisting we continue. I have taken a stance to discontinue the A - at least I am commited to not be physical with him.

The reason I posted here and my question was out of concern for him and his marriage. If he is so invested in our A and he has barely taken any interest yet in the girl he is marrying, I wanted to know if their marriage stands a chance. I just wanted to know if it is possible that he will have an attachment wth her after the wedding.

Thanks a lot for your responses.

 

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-11-2013
Wed, 12-25-2013 - 1:34pm
He is getting married because he has to and is most likely has just given into the pressure from his family and if he did not get married it will look bad on the family.Things are going to change since he will not have time to be with you and if wife will want to get to know him emotionally and sexually.I know a number of arranged marriages and just like any marriage some work and some don't,so their love will either grow or not.
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-24-2013

Thanks again.

Yes, Ctown75 - you are absolutely right. He is getting married because he has to. And since I am also from the same culture, I know that arranged marriages do work out just fine. I guess I just needed someone to reinforce my understanding.

Its going to get very hard for me to step back and accept that he wont have time for me. But I am already reading up/ taking steps to ensure that I can enrich myself enough to be happy with myself. I probably just need support.

Thank you Clarity. You are absolutely right. I dont think I have the strength right now to worry about his marriage and I am sure they  are perfectly capable of taking care of themselves. You are also very right - I do know how to turn down his advacnes. I am going to be very strong.

I know what I need to do. It is going to be a very hard journey as he is not only a family friend but also live very close by. I know what the pain feels like but I have to just get used to it. And hopefully soon I will be strong enough to decide to refocus on my marriage.

Thank you all!

Avatar for wClarity
Community Leader
Registered: 11-04-2012
Wed, 12-25-2013 - 2:24pm

I guess the confusion lies in your mixed message of 'concern'.  You speak of concern for your affair partner and his marriage, yet it seems by the answer you want to hear your concern is really more about whether he will fall so much in love with his wife that he will lose his love for you...and you want him to love you as strongly as you believe he loves you now.  I mean, let's get honest here.  

Let me ask you this.  How do YOU think his affairing with you will effect his marriage?  How does your affair effect your marriage and feelings for your husband?  Neglecting a marriage and a spouse when our attention is elsewhere only does further damage to an already problematic marriage, no?

Now if your concern really centers around him being happy and making his marriage work, you'll step back and off...no matter how much he pursues you.  Women have been thwarting the advances of men since the dawn of man. They convey through their words and actions that 'no means no'.  And some of them even somehow manage to send a man off still feeling okay even after her rejection...now that takes a lot of finesse :)

Only time will tell how his involvement with you will pan out for his marriage. 

Clarity

Community Leader,

Ending an Affair Support Board

Avatar for wClarity
Community Leader
Registered: 11-04-2012
Wed, 12-25-2013 - 2:43pm

EAS

I invite you to visit and post on the Ending an Affair Support Board.  A once hopping Board, now slowed down to a crawl, since the iVillage switch over.  But I am there, others drop by on occasion, but there is a lot to read...especially in the Healing Library, which unfortunately also crashed and burned, but which has been built up again to some degree.

Affairs by their nature keep us in that lusty chemical phase and beating it is similar to beating an addiction.  You go through withdrawals and have intense urges to make contact.  Therefore, going 'no contact' NC (similar to the way an alcoholic has to go sober) is the only absolute guarantee of success.  And then block all avenues of contact.  It works two fold.  It prevents them from getting through and you from getting through during those weak moments...and there'll be plenty of weak moments, believe me.  NC is the starting point. Getting support from the Board, a close friend you can confide in, seeking counseling...all will help to see you through.

But you can read all about it on EAS.  I hope to see you there.  And about the Healing Library again, it's a great place to go to during weak moments.  Reading will keep you occupied and strengthen your resolve...and it's also comforting to know others have been there done that and have gone on to find peace and happiness.

I hope to see you there.

((hugs))

Clarity

Community Leader,

Ending an Affair Support Board

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-24-2013

I surely will visit EAS. Thanks for pointing that fourm to me, Clarity.

Avatar for xxxs
Community Leader
Registered: 01-25-2010
Thu, 12-26-2013 - 11:36pm

 In some cultrues having a mistress/lover is expected.  In others it is not.  Your feelings and thoughts can be confused have you talked to AP about what will be after his M?

dragowoman

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-24-2013

In our culture, having a mistress is not the norm. My AP assured me that our relationship will not change after his M. In fact he has sent a long heart felt email to me 2 hours after his wedding professing his love. I have'nt responded to his email yet and dont intend to.