new to board & just looking to share

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-30-2004
new to board & just looking to share
1
Wed, 03-31-2004 - 7:07am
Hi all,

Although I have been lurking around for some time finding comfort and guidance in your words this will be the first time I post.

In all honesty I do not know where to begin. I guess a brief history is in order. I am 31 and have been in an EMA for approximately 6 months. I still don't know how or why it started but it did and we agreed that it was just a one time thing and that we would never repeat/tell anyone. Since I am writing today we know this is not what happened. I have been with my H for 14 years (married for 6) and never thought I would be the type to have an EMA. To make matters even more confusing my OM is a mutual friend and a distant relative of my H.

My OM ended our R two weeks ago. At first I was relieved as there would be no more lying and I could focus on my M and my H to see if I really wanted to move on or to salvage it. Then the feelings hit that I missed him (OM) I did not think that I was that emotionally involved but there it was laid out for me. I just went to a cottage with my H hoping to find what we had lost. To my dismay I could not overcome the chasm that I created. I cannot look at my H with desire and hope as I once did. On the ride home all I could think of is OM and try to figure out why.

Imagine my surprise when OM contacted me and said he wanted to see me again. I told him I was available that night (I know wrong thing to do) but he mentioned he had other plans...but still wanted to see me. I then asked him to consider what he really wanted and the response I got was "I want it all" and he ended up canceling his plans. Well I went and it felt sooo good to be there in his arms...until it was over. At this time he completely pulled away into himself. I mentioned that I could stay longer but did not receive a response and did not press the matter. I know what self preservation is like and feel this is the mode he went into.

I have not heard from him since. This is not completely abnormal I find that he often avoids contact for a while afterwards which at times annoys the hell out of me. Of course I could be reading more into this than there actually is...I did confront him once about it and he denied that he purposely does that, no one but he knows for sure.

I really want to see him again to find out what is going on and how he feels etc, but also fear his response or lack thereof. Truthfully no matter what he says someone will be hurt more than we are hurting now.

I guess my question is do I toss it out there that I want to see him again or should I follow our usual pattern and wait until we are on-line at the same time (chat)? I just hate tossing my feelings out there and not getting a response back, although admit would be equally as devastated if the response was negative.

I also want to know if any of you have been to counseling and if it helped

you to move forward in making a decision and in understanding the how and

why of it all.

I know I have many tough decisions to make, but right now I cannot get past wanting my next "fix" for lack of a better word.

Sorry for the long e-mail but I just need to share with someone...

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-17-2004
Wed, 03-31-2004 - 9:09am
Lost,

I am fairly new to the board as well but sounds as though we have the same sort of life experiences.. Meeting our husbands at an early age and marrying them. Long and short of it I never thought I would be in this situation either..but I am and if you haven't realized it by reading the posts on this board.. IT IS A ROLLARCOASTER RIDE in every way.

My OM did something similar after the first time we were physical...guilt basically got the best of him....but he overcame it..It was hard for me to deal with considering I was never in this situation before.. and it made me feel pretty bad...thought I had made a mistake...but here I am a year and a half later and still in the same situation..

Good luck and this board helps!!! ALOT!!!

Cassy