New to board-looking for advice

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-08-2004
New to board-looking for advice
8
Fri, 01-09-2004 - 9:22pm
I have been reading this board for two days now and finally am getting up the courage to get my story out. I am married, and he is married with children. This A started almost a year ago much to my surprise. This was not something I was looking for and caught me completely off guard. THere was always flirting going on, but I Never thought it would come to this.

The situation is that I am happy in my marraige. He was having some problems, but things are working out fine now. THe stickler is that I live in the same building with him and became best friends with his wife. The four of us did everything together. We even spend alot of weekends together out of town. This made the whole situation a little sticky at times. We've almost been caught once but luckily we got our stories straight and things worked out in the end. In the beginning I thought I could handle this without any emotions, but that was mainly denial. I know how I am and I should not have even gotten myself into this situation to begin with. We both agreed from the get go that nothing could come of this.

I thought after we almost got caught that would be the end of it. We cooled it for awhile, but then it started up again and became more frequent. My feelings started getting stronger, but I would never let him know that. Since this whole thing started, I have never approached him or initiated anything with him. He always came to me and started.

He got into some trouble recently and I just happened to be there for him. I sat with him and gave him a shoulder to cry on and literally watched him cry for two hours. That was tough. That's when I finally realized that my feelings were way stronger than I thought. How do you deal with the emotions, when you know or feel that the other doesn't feel the same for you. That is my hardest thing I'm dealing with now. All I want out of this is for him to feel for me what I feel for him.

After he got into his trouble he was well aware that I didn't want this to end as I told him. Even though we both know what we are doing is wrong we didnt want to quit. Something told me that it was going to be over and I went into a depression. He knew it. He left me alone to deal with his issues and family for a few days. Like I said before, we are in the same area all the time. I see him all the time. With his family going on as if there was nothing between us. That seems pretty hard to deal with for me. But I try my hardest to make it seem like my life is great and I dont think about him. He knew how I was feeling and came to talk to me. My emotions were full flowing and he pretty much said everything I wanted to hear. He said nothing has changed and that he just needed some time to get his issues resolved. Hugged me and kissed me and I felt 110% better. Finally, I realized it was time to move on. I tried. Things were going okay for me and then, out of nowhere, just when I was dealing with it and moving on, he started with me again. I didn't give in at first, but didnt tell him it was over. Pretty much left the door open. Foolish on my part. A week later we got together again, and here I am, feeling miserable again.

Sorry to ramble, but just looking to get this out to people who obviously know what I am going through. I just want him to feel for me what I feel for him, which I dont think is possible. I just want to know, how a person can honestly have a physical relationship with another person and have absolutely no emotions involved? I feel foolish and have regrets. I dont think I have ever felt so used in my life. When we are together, you would never think it was just "sex". I guess he is a good actor and knows what buttons to push.

Thanks for listening. Sorry for the long story but I even left out a ton of details.

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-20-2003
Mon, 01-12-2004 - 1:40pm
Welcome smsbud,

I know what you are feeling is very hard to deal with. However, please consider the possibility that MM does actually have feelings for you. It may not be love, but he may care for you to some extent. Men and women do not express emotions in the same manner. Also, accept that you cannot make him feel for you the way you feel for him. Acknowledge your feelings and know they are different than his feelings.

I know you said that you have regrets. If the bad outweighs the good, then its time to move on from this R, and learn from the experiences that you encountered with him. You deserve much more than to allow yourself to be in a situation where the final outcome leaves you feeling used.

Best wishes to you.

Hugs,

Annika

Brightest Blessings, Annika


iVillage Member
Registered: 06-24-2003
Mon, 01-12-2004 - 6:06pm

Hi sms and welcome aboard,


I think annika said it rather well... just because he does not love you, does not mean that he doesn't care... he may love you with all he can... but it's just a little different than what you want.


I've been in my EMA now for over three and a half years... it was purely a friendship turned physical... we are both married with children and I never wanted it to go any further... like you... when I realised my feelings had changed... I denied it for some months before finally accepting it.

Sweet
Co-Community Leader My

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-19-2003
Tue, 01-13-2004 - 12:10am
SMSBUD

Wow!!! I read your story and thought I was reading my own. I have been in an A with my neighbor, and I am friends with his W. I realized that I was falling and needed to stop myself, but couldn't. He is so much everything that my H is not, and vice versa I for him. We started out firm in the belief that this was just to fulfill our mutual needs. Then, I fell, hard and fast. He cares for me deeply, and I would even go so far as to say he loves me, BUT, he cannot say it. I have accepted this because I know that once said, it cannot be taken back, and he is not ready for that.

Now, let me throw my wrench into the scenario. My H, through my own stupidity, found us out, hard evidence, no denial. He is willing to work things out with me, and has even talked to MM about this. He is okay around MM's W, but now that he has said his peace, will never speak to MM again. Well, because our families are so intertwined, this will eventually get noticed by W. MM is never allowed here, ever again, for no reason whatsoever. H will not go to their house ever again.

My guilt at having become involved with my friend's H was bad enough when everything was secret, now it is overwhelming. Please, please, please be careful! We had a few close calls ourselves and talked our way out of them, but when everyone is so involved with one another, it makes getting caught worse than you could ever imagine. Not only is my relationship with MM strained, my home life sucks big time. Now, W still is unaware, but I can barely talk to her because the guilt just keeps piling on while I am waiting for the other shoe to drop. You see, neither MM or I were in horrible marriages, just unfulfilling ones. Now, I am faced with a decision I was not prepared to make, and let me tell you, it hurts like HELL to see everything go on as usual at their house.

Sorry, got off on my own tangent, I just want you to be more cautious than you think you are, so you don't end up in my shoes. Yes, the emotional level between men and women is completely different, and I was content dealing with that, until we got caught. Now, I am torn as to what to do because going on without MM seems like my world is ending. He told me, 'I could easily leave my marriage and make a better life for myself, where I get stuck, is leaving my kids, and not being part of their lives every day.' If I didn't feel like a totally selfish B**** after that. We admitted to being selfish before, but now when faced with the reality of a decision, it really makes you stop and say, what the hell was I thinking?

I will NEVER say that I am sorry that I fell in love with MM. He is such a beautiful man, inside and out, but I am very sorry for all the residual damage that that love is now causing.

Just be careful, enjoy every minute that you have together, and hang in there for the ride.

:) MFL8
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-08-2004
Fri, 01-30-2004 - 8:56am
Thank you to everyone for your response. It helps immensely. Things have changed a little bit since I posted. I have gone up and down in emotions. One day I am mad, the next depressed. Things have just changed so much in the last three months. I truly feel in my heart that I have to end this A. I know it is not healthy for me to put myself through the roller coaster ride anymore. But then as soon as MM comes to me, I buckle. Everytime! It is absolutely brutal to be living in the same building with this person and his family. My friendship with W is gone and I dont know why. It just sort of ceased. We were BF for a long time and then something just changed. MM was going through troubles so I backed away for awhile to let them sort out their issues. Ever since then, its been NC with the W and me. Weird. I kind of like it this way just because I don't have to hear about MM and her and what they are doing all the time. I spent alot of time with them which is how this whole thing started. But now, knowing my deeper feelings for MM I would just rather stay away. But then again, she was my BF and that is hard to deal with too.

Ever since NC with the W and me, MM and I dont really talk either. Either he will talk with me when she is not around, or only when my H is home. Even then it is nothing special, just normal conversation. I have noticed a pattern however... if he hasnt talked to me in passing in the hallway or anything, he seems to call me from work usually once a week. Part of me thinks that it is just to "keep the door open" so to speak. If she isnt around and H isnt around, then the innuendos begin and the flirtatious talk begins. Lately I have not initiated any contact with him just because I know what my feelings are, and I guess I want him to think that I am not phased by all of this. Just a big game. Deep down, I dont want to play this game anymore, but as I said before, I buckle as soon as he approaches me.

A situation is arising this evening where W wont be home and my H wont be home. Usually MM will come to see me at times like that. Not sure if he will or not tonight, but I am kind of expecting him to. I have no plans to "do" anything with him but I know I wont stop him from trying. That scares me. Once again, I will feel used.

A situation came up a couple weeks ago where he was talking about moving. He has been talking about moving out of town for two years now. I know it is coming, but the way he brought it to me a couple weeks ago just was different. He told me that he wanted to get out of this city and just laughed. I pretty much said "you do what you have to do". He didnt seem to like that response from me and got real short and then said bye (we were on the phone). Too many mixed signals here. I guess I am sort of counting the days that they move seeing I think I will get over this faster if I dont have to see him everyday, hear him with his family everyday. Then I will only have to deal with summer weekends as we have a place in the same area together for the summer.

Like the responses i recieved from my post, I know you cant make anyone have feelings for you. I dont know if I want him to know exactly what myfeelings are for him but I think he knows already. I know what I need to do to get over this which is end it. I just dont know how to become strong and have willpower. This whole situtation has me in an obsession which is just sick. I find myself listening to conversations as hard as I can between him and his W just to find out what is going on. HOping that they are not getting along. I know they are getting along and I know that I am being completely childish.

Sorry this is so long again! I've been reading this board for this whole week and it is making me feel better just reading other people's situations. I take alot from the advice others give to everyone and it does help.

Thanks alot for reading.

smsbud

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-21-2004
Fri, 01-30-2004 - 3:52pm

smsbud -- you are still on the rollercoaster honey, no matter what your good intentions are!

CL-Gurlfriend50

Co-CL of My Affair Support Board

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-08-2004
Sat, 01-31-2004 - 8:03am
Well I guess the truth hurts, but wow, it is the truth. Drama is exactly what I am living in right now. Thanks for the honest response!

I almost think of this whole thing as an obsession. Maybe it would be easier for me to deal with this whole issue if I didnt live right in the same building with these people. THere is alot to this story of mine that I left out about MM.

I havnt talked to him all week until last night. Both SOs were out and of course we talked. He called me but didnt come to see me which was fine. But just talking on the phone was enough. Some innuendos were there with the flirting, but obviously nothing could happen. I truly hoped he would come to see me and talk in person, but it is probably better that he didnt. I am just happy he called. I thought for the past three months since NC with W that things between them were good and well, but I overheard a conversation with the W and someone else that there is still trouble in paradise down there.

As far as my H and I we are just fine. Relationship is great. This whole thing with the W and me has caused somewhat of a strain on H and me as he hates to see us not talking. He wants me to be the BIGGER person and go to here to find out what is wrong, but I am a stubborn person as is she and thats just not going to happen. I dont know if I can go back to being as close with her and being around them like I used to knowing my stronger feelings for MM. I just dont think its possible. But I do think I need my relationship with her back. I just dont know what to do. We send forwarded emails to each other and just last night we passed in the driveway and we waved to each other. SOmething tells me she is fine with it this way. Usually MM would say something to me about W and I not talking but he's said nothing about it and it has gone on for three months now.

Anyway, I know what I need to do with this R with MM. It has to end, but as I said before, when he comes to me or when I see him, I buckle and lose all sanity. I guess I just like feeling that "different" feeling you lose after a certain amount of time. To be honest, I was "with" him more this last year than he was with W and I know this as she told me that they weren't having sex at all. And as I said earlier, when we were together, you would never think it was just sex. I just don't know what to feel anymore. As everyone says, time heals everything, and I have healed quite a bit from the last three months and I guess time will take care of the rest. I can honestly say I dont believe i am "in love" with him, but I care about him deeply. Just wish I knew what he was feeling.

Thanks again for all the advice, it is really taken to heart and makes me think alot!

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-31-2004
Sat, 01-31-2004 - 1:48pm
I am also new to the board - I am M and having an A with MM for about 8 months. I wonder after reading your post - how do you keep it to a sexual relationship and not let feelings come into play? Or is it just being a W that we tend to let our emotions interfer? I try and try not to let my feelings overtake me in my A. We have never said the "L word" - although, I'd be lying if I told you I didn't L him. I often wonder what he feels? But, am too chicken to ask.
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-08-2004
Sat, 01-31-2004 - 3:43pm
How do you keep your emotions not involved? Well I thought I could do it. We both said from the start that nothing could come of this. Deep down inside I thought that was impossible. I know my feelings are stronger for him than his are for me. At least that's what I think. Im not sure. I cant ask. Pretty sure he knows how I feel about him as my emotions came out with him about three months ago. He was having some troubles in his life and I thought that was the end. He pretty much told me what I wanted to hear that nothing has changed he just needed some time to get through his issues. Thats when I backed off and started realizing that I need to stop. Unfortunately, about a month later, he was back and approaching me. Things have calmed down alot in the past three months, but I think that has alot to do with me and his W not speaking. Im not with them anymore like I used to be and it seems like when we talk, it has to be secret or my H has to be home when he will talk to me. Or else, a pattern I have noticed has started in that he calls me once a week from work seeing we dont really talk much at home anymore.

As far as the L word. I cannot honestly say that I LOVE him. I care about him far more than I want to admit. I have always posed the question to myself... How can two people have a physical relationship and have absolutely no feelings involved? You would never know there were supposedly "no feelings" when we are together. I am approaching a year of this A as it actually came out in the open on his W birthday last year. Crazy. Wasnt expecting it. Wasnt looking for it which I guess I am glad about.

He called me last night as he was home with just his child and I was alone. Usually he would come to talk to me but just calling me was fine with me. Id be lieing if I said I didnt want him to talk to me in person, but this was probably best this way.

Dont know what else to say. My feelings are there and I believe he knows this, but sometimes I just wish I knew where he was in all this. Too afraid to ask and I dont want to make things worse. I guess time will tell and time will heal.