New to board & need advice......(long)
Find a Conversation
| Mon, 09-08-2003 - 8:58am |
I'm 33, married for 8 years to my high school sweetheart, no children. H and I have been together for almost 16 years - even went to college together. We never really dated anyone else, but did have some time apart when I left college and he stayed. After college, he went into the Marine Corps, and then we got married.
About two years ago, our marriage was truly tested. I found out that he had been in contact with someone he had met during his travels with the Corps. I found a letter he wrote to her, a flower receipt, empty boxes of condoms, and a cell phone bill in his name going to her address. It was a very trying time for us, but I forgave him. Looking back, I realize that I did it because I was scared and so dependent on him. He swore nothing happened, but I'm not stupid.
Anyway -- since then, I've had a series of flings...mostly one-night stands, no long term affairs, although I have entertained the thought. I know deep down that part of the reason for my behavior is revenge, but the other reason is that I crave the attention and the passion. I realize too that it's just an ego-boost because I'm not getting it at home. Don't get me wrong - I love H, but I just don't know if I'm IN LOVE with him anymore. We've drifted in the past two years. I've grown so much since then, and I don't think he's caught up to me -- and I don't think he wants to. We've tried counseling, but he just glossed over the issue. We've reached the point in our marriage where we are complacent and continue to take each other for granted - even though we said we wouldn't, and the passion is just no longer there.
I guess my question is: How do I know when it's time to cut the ties from my marriage? How many of you are in a long-term affair? Are my flings a result of wanting revenge or not getting what I want from my marriage or both?
I know that my questions/problem may seem so minor to what some of you all are going through, but I didn't know where else to turn, and I've always gotten such good advice from the iVillage boards.
Thank you in advance for any advice you may offer...
~ T

Not sure that I can really answer any of you questions... but I may give you something to think about.
I truly believe that your behaviour is definitely one of revenge... it is quite a common reaction from a betrayed spouse to follow this path... while they may think they forgive their partner they certainly don't forget and it can be a very destructive path to follow.
With regards to your marriage... have you tried hard enough??? and ask yourself honestly... I too have had many marriage problems... which did result in the start of my EMA... it started purely as sex, which is what I thought was missing... but I soon realised that I was missing out on a whole lot more. I also learned that I too was a cause for the problems we were having. I had a habit of pushing things aside when they were bad and just moving on... but this made things worse... we never talked about anything that might be wrong... until it was alomst too late.
Being caught in my A... while I was ready to walk from my marriage... I wasn't leaving for my MM... but I knew that DH would view things this way and I had to make things right... in that respect. I would not have him thinking I was leaving for another man... when I wasn't it.
That was about 2 and a half years ago... and we are going reasonably strong. We now discuss things before they get out of hand. It's not easy... but I will not walk away... before I give it my best shot and know that I've tried. My love for DH has changed... I don't feel IN love with him... but I do still love him and that in many ways keeps me strong.
However... for me... I took the road to keep both my M and A... for me I feel they sit side by side and contribute in many ways to the other. I do love MM... am I IN love with him?? I can't say for sure... I don't know 'all' of him... being in an A, only gives me a chance to see but a part of him and I love what I have.
I would never suggest to go this path... unless you are well and truly strong enough to handle it... as no matter how hard you may try... emotions will usually come into play somewhere along the long when a continuing relationship is involved. MM and I have a very good understanding of one another... and I know to accept that my EMA is just that... an Affair! but that doesn't mean that I don't have the ups and downs with it like everyone else.
For you... I would suggest you try individual counselling... I did this some time ago now... and I truly learnt a lot about myself and began to see the bigger picture. I just feel that you need to find yourself and know who you are before you begin to sail in those unchartered waters.
boy! that got a little long... I sure hope that I've given you some food for thought... and whatever you decide... we will be here should you need a shoulder to lean on.
oh! one last thing... don't ever think a problem is minor... a problem can be a little like an open wound... if you don't treat it to begin with... it becomes infected and can cause a whole heap of other problems.
luv and hugs
Sweet
Sweet
Co-Community Leader My
Sweet - I have one question for you....are you still having an A? And if so, how long has it been going on?
The bottom line is that I need to dig out the phone book and find a reliable counselor and start going so that I can work out these issues. Deep down, I know that I won't walk away from my marriage, but I also know that I can't go on with these feelings of anger that I have for H. Even after two years, it still feels like it was yesterday, and I know that it is also contributing to our sex problems as well. I have no problems desiring other men -- it's just that I don't desire him. So, there's definitely nothing wrong with my sex drive....(smile)
Thanks again -- so much....
~ T
as for your situation...let me tell you that i felt that i was reading my own life in your story. i have been married for 12 years and have three wonderful children. but i have to say that those 12 years have not been perfect. we were married when i was pg for our first. i know that we did the right thing but i think we did it too soon. after the birth of our second,which was only 18 months after the first, i had several ema's they were mostly short and unfrequent but i had the need to feel desired and that someone wanted me other than because i was the mother on their children. then i got caught. my husband and i worked through things and i swore that i would never happen again....wrong...there was a one nighter, and then very recently i met someone at work. although he and i are both married it did not seem to matter. we wanted each other and that was that. and although it is hard for me to admit..we gave in. he is 10 years younger that i am and has one child and one on the way. well the wife became suspicious and therefore we have decided no longer to give in and that it is over although we still remain friends (we see each other daily at work). But i have to say that after all of that i talked to my husband, told him that i didn't think he wanted me anymore and things have gotten better. will i have another ema. maybe. once you have done it, it becomes easier each time. i must say that i still hold out hope for another trist with the co-worker but you never know.
just to let you know you are not alone...but it is so great that we can post and get advise here. any suggestions for me would also be appreciated
i have began to attend church services and get my life back on track...will that help...don't know but anything is worth a try
god bless
dancemomsd
OK, male perspective here. I have seen the exact
feelings you express in your letter posted dozens
of times here in the few months I have been visiting.
I myself have those needs too. So if you think you
are alone in your feelings, be assured you have a
great deal of company.
Unlike your other responses, I am not so sure your
actions are an act of revenge. They very well may be
since you express your anger in a later post, but I would
make the point that the actions you have taken have
also been taken by others with devoted partners.
His A may have triggered it, but it might not have too,
I can't really say, but you can.
I believe most A's are a direct result of people not getting
what they need from their M's. It usually boils down to
better sex or more appreciation. As you age and your mate
becomes complacent and ignores your sexual needs, it becomes
increasingly difficult to ignore that turned head, that wink,
that gaze held just a little too long to be proper. You have
found the right place to talk about it, there are a lot of us
here that know exactly what you feel and why.
You ask when you know it is time to leave your M. Others will
advise you, but I think the formula is pretty simple. From
industrial psychology, it is: benefits / burdens < 1. If the
benefits you are getting from your M, as you evaluate them,
(and you need to consider ALL of them), do not outweigh the
burdens that the M places on you, (like lack of sexual passion),
then it is time to move on. This equation is highly personal.
No one can tell you what is important to you, or how important
it is or should be. That is your decision. You should also be
aware that you might not find what you are looking for, and the
grass might not be quite as green as it seems.
The statistics on affairs are pretty bleak, but there are a
number of people here that seem to have beaten the odds. Yes,
it is possible to have a M, love your H but not be "in love"
with him, and also have a OM on the side that fulfills your
sexual needs. It may or may not be stable, you may lose OM
and need to replace him, you may get caught, you may hurt a
lot of people. There are risks, but we do know why you would
choose to do it.
Even though this is a board for people in active affairs, I
rarely see posts advising others to have an A. Most people
here advise and warn others about the risks, and try to help
people patch their emotions and lives back together when (if)
it doesn't work out. As the Dutch say, "A shipwreck is a
lighthouse unto the sea." And yes, I am posting here, and you
know why.
It is your choice. Good luck with the counseling, let us know
what you decide and how it goes.
Sorry it's taken me a while to reply... unexpected home situation has kept me away from the board.
Just to answer your question... Yes! I'm still having an A... which has been going on now for close to 3 and a half years. I'm not ready to walk away from this man... who I feel in many ways has been a big factor in saving my marriage.
and trust me... I can probably relate to your situation more than what you or I realise.
Sweet
Sweet
Co-Community Leader My