New to Board with questions and thoughts

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-28-2004
New to Board with questions and thoughts
18
Tue, 02-03-2004 - 12:27am
Hello all. I am new to this board. I have been lurking around reading everyone else's thoughts and problems for about a month or so now and I feel at home here. I feel like I have found my own pile of people who might understand where I'm coming from on issues that I can definitely NOT discuss with anyone else.

I have been my current A for 1yr. 6mnths. and 7days. Obviously, I remember our first true A encounter. My A started out as a fling for both he and I. He is married with one small child and I am not. I never intended for the A to begin but it did. I never intended for it to continue but it did. Somewhere during our time together, we have gone from f*** buddies to best friends/lovers. Lately, I have been having a hard time with things. I know that he cares for me and I care deeply for him. I never knew that I could have such a connection with someone and be so physically attracted to them. I never knew that anyone could feel that same strong connection and be so physically attracted to me. I wouldn't say that we're "in love" because to me that's a very bold statement. I do believe I have a love for him but I am unsure about him. He's very committed to trying to make things work at home for his DD's sake. I would never ever want him to leave for me. (NEVER!) I may want to be happy with him but not like that.

Recently, he and I had an in depth conversation about things and about how I was feeling. I wanted to him to know how strong I was feeling toward him so that he didn't want to deal with that we could end things. He says that he doesn't want me to go away because he really likes our talks so much. He also said that he really wanted to try to be "good" for at home's sake. He is feeling just a little bit guilty about it but I wouldn't say it was alot of guilt. (I know him too well) He also told me that he and his W are planning on renewing their vows this year. W thinks it will reinforce their marriage. This bothered me alot and he knew it. He and W have been married for just 9 months longer than he and I have been together. I don't know if I can go on in this A knowing they're trying so diligently to make it work at home. He says that just having me around makes things better and when we're talking alot that at home gets better. I also don't know that I can easily walk away. I enjoy talking with him sooo much. We get each other on so many different levels. The "booty calls" are good too but they're so limited due to time and work anymore that our relationship is built as a great friendship. To lose him, would be like loosing my best friend. The person who I first think of telling when something-anything happens to and around me.

I have asked him what he thinks I should do and he just says he doesn't know. It's my decision according to him. I asked him what he wants from me and all he can say is he doesn't know. He says he's confused about some things but knows that he does want to make a home for his DD. I don't know. It's terribly hard to walk away from something that means so much to me and that for the most part works great. He has even said that if he were single that he and I would be together. I don't know what to do. My heart and mind are torn. Does anyone have any advice? My motto lately has been "Somtimes life sucks and then we just have to keep going". I will leave you with the lyrics to the song that has become MM and I's song, sort of. Not that I believe in signs or anything, but almost every time he and I have a deep discussion about our A, one of us hears this song playing somewhere. He and I have agreed that it's really a weird coincidence.

Patience by Guns N' Roses

Shed a tear cause I'm missing you.........I'm still alright to smile

Girl, I think bout you every day now.....Was a time when I wasn't sure

But you set my mind at ease...........There is no doubt you're in my heart now

Say woman take it slow......It'll work itself out fine

All we need is just a little patience

Say sugar make it slow and we'll come together fine

All we need is just a little patience.....(patience)...mmm, yeah

I sit here on the stairs cause I'd rather be alone

If I can't have you right now I'll wait dear

Sometimes I get so tense but I can't speed up the time

But you know love there' one more thing to consider

Say woman take it slow and things will be just fine

You and I'll just use a litlle patience

Say sugar take the time cause the lights are shining bright

You and I've got what it takes to make it

We won't fake it, oh I'll never break it....If I can't take it

Little patience, mmm yeah, mmm yeah....Need a little patience, yeah

Just a little patience, yeah....Some more patience, yeah

Could use some patience, yeah....Gotta have some patience, yeah

All it takes is patience.....Just a little patience....Is all you need

I've been walking the streets at night...Just trying to get it right

It's hard to see with so many around...You know I don't like being stuck in crwd

And the streets don't change....but maybe the names

I ain't got time for the game cause I need you...yeah, yeah, yeah, I need you

OOO, I need you, whoa I need you.....Oooooh, all this time


Thank you all for reading and thanks in advance for any advice some of you may give. I appreciate it. I like having a spot where I feel there are others around who might understand and be able to listen.

Pages

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-03-2004
Tue, 02-03-2004 - 4:00am
I wish I knew what to say to you , but unfortunately I don't because I am in the same boat as you .All I can say is , I feel your pain ;-(

In fact parts of your story sounds so much like mine . Do all married guys act the same ?


I am also new to this board and to the situation of having an affair with a married man . I always said to myself I would never get involved with a married man . But it just happened and I can't seem to put an end to it .


I thought if I would share my story here maybe it won't give you an answer , but at least you will know you are not alone .

Maybe someone else who has gone through this longer then you and I can give some advise

This is my story ,


4 months ago a met this guy . ( but I feel like I have known him much longer ) we had the best sex I ever had in my life .

He clicked and connected the minute we laid eyes on each other .

But of course my luck he is married and has a small child . I am unattached . I am not in love with him but I do care for him and I think of him a lot .

I miss him and his touch he is a great lover . Now I would never expect him to leave his wife but all I want is a bit of attention .

We only get to meet maybe once a month because he lives in another city ....and that is fine I understand ....but sometimes I feel like he doesn't really try to make an effort to meet me , although he says he misses me and thinks about me .

I have told him maybe he would prefer just to put an end to this and he says no that he does want to see me .

When we talk he says he really enjoys our talks and it just isn't the sex . but yet he doesn't call me much or email me ........just calls when he gets into my town and is ready to meet ............but yet he asks me if I can get him some pictures of myself so he can look at when he misses me .

I see the experts try to say we stay in this relationship because it is a forbidden fruit , well I totally disagree . I am with him because the sex is so great and passionate and I never felt this way before . He will cuddle with me after sex and I feel so good and so safe ............ I only wish he was not married .


What I feel when I am with him I haven't felt with any man for about 15 years and I had a very fair share of men in my life to know the difference ( BTW I am 40 ) I met many nice single guys but when they touch me , I feel nothing .

and again no it isn't the thrill of the thought I am with a forbidden fruit because when we first met , he told me he was single .......not that he was lying to me but when we first met it was none of my business what his statues was and we both thought it was just going to be a one time thing .

When he contacted me second time he came clean right away about the fact that he is married .



Well the sex was too good to give it up and I didn't care that he is married . But every time I see him it gets harder and harder .

The thing that hurts the most is after we meet before I leave he will always say how glad he is we met up and he had a great time and also enjoyed our conversation ......but then he goes home and I expect at least a phone call or email not everyday but at least once a week ...but he doesn't then I start to feel hurt and wonder did he really enjoy being with me as I did with him ?

I have been with guys who have thought I enjoyed them , when I really didn't . So is this now happening to me ?

But then he does contact me to meet so he must want to be with me ..........yeah ok I know for his selfish reasons , but I also want to meet him for my selfish reasons because it feels so good . He does fill something I need . Maybe not as often as I would like but he is married and I know I can't make demands .

I don't want to think about a guy who isn't thinking about me . I don't want to miss a guy who isn't missing me ........and only if he would tell me he doesn't think of me or doesn't miss me I could let go ........but when I confront him , he says he does miss me and think of me ........I tell him he has a funny way of showing it .

I don't have low self esteem about myself . I am a very strong and independent person ......but I find it so hard to find a man I enjoy being with so when I finally have , I don't want to let go .

We spent last night together .It was the best ever!!! it was 4 hours of heaven . He said I could stay in his hotel room to sleep with him , but I couldn't because laying next to him just made me want more and we wouldn't get any sleep ...........well after all we do have to sleep . So I chose to go home or neither of us would get any sleep . Of course he told me how much fun he had , and he was so glad we got to meet again .

So today he went back home and if only he would call me from the airport to say goodbye or shoot me a small email when he got home ..........I'd be fine with all this . But he didn't and that hurts . Am I expecting to much ?

I don't put my life on hold for this guy but when I do go on dates I don't really enjoy because I keep thinking of my married guy .

at night I lay in bed missing my married guy and if I only knew for sure that also he is laying in bed missing me it would make me feel better

But I just don't know . and I hate not knowing .

Like you babydoll my heart and mind are torn

Anyone please some advice how to get through this , thanks

xoxo ViperDiva

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-09-2003
Tue, 02-03-2004 - 9:22am
Hi there, I feel really bad for you two who are single and waiting for these MM. Viper, it seems very selfish for him not to contact you except when he's coming to town for the booty call. I know how good that can be though, I'm having that type of relationship too. Although I am M. But he does contact me on a regular basis and when for some reason he doesn't, I am bummed. It hurts, I know, to feel they don't care enough about you to even get in touch, a simple little email like you said, or a quick call.

For me, I am satisfied with the way our relationship is going. Sometimes he fails to get ahold of me for a week or so, and I tell him that hurt me. Right now we are doing really good, he's very attentive as far as keeping regular contact goes.

But for you being single, I would definitely be looking for another man more accessible. Because even though the sex is great, there has to be other good lovers out there!! And its not fair to you single ladies, to be strung along while these guys just do what they want.

Just my opinion, but its not fair to you. Just play them like they are playing you, but if it hurts too much, get out of it.

Dusty

xxxx
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-21-2004
Tue, 02-03-2004 - 10:06am

good morning to all.

CL-Gurlfriend50

Co-CL of My Affair Support Board

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-19-2004
Tue, 02-03-2004 - 10:22am
I think what I am about to say applies to all relationships (married, A or otherwise). If a woman is ready to have sex with a man even when she is not in a mood because she loves making him happy, the man needs to provide the emotional support (affection and conversation) even though when he doesn't feel like it. Love needs to be reciprocated and men and women show it differently. The point is when a woman shows it the way a man likes then the man needs to show it the way the woman likes it. If that doesn't happen it means there is no respect for each others' needs.

I seriously think that the single women in love with MM's are wasting their times. If he is not planning to leave his wife for you, you would be strutting along for a long time. Some of you are young now and you have great chances to find another guy (multiple soulmates DO exist) who can provide the fulfillment and great sex you want. But as you get older and realize that you have wasted a number of precious years and your biological clocks have gone past ticking....you would be very bitter people.

To the lady who has the in-town-for-a-booty-call-guy, ditch him. Its not too difficult to send a short email after the deed letting you know how special you are. He is definately the type of guy who would like the sex to continue when he is in another town and wifey is not around. Believe me, I have once in a while chatted with online men like that who would want you to meet them when they are in town as if you are a on-demand hooker. So stay clear of him. Next time he comes in, find something interesting to do to take attention off him. The hurt does become less with time.

Philly Girl

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-19-2004
Tue, 02-03-2004 - 10:26am
Hey Gurl, you had my train of thoughts and posted them more or less at the same time. I guess Geminis do think a little alike :)

Philly Girl

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-03-2004
Tue, 02-03-2004 - 10:41am
I know your right , but I just don't understand . I mean when I email him ...ah it would be nice to hear from you . he will call or send an email sorry I haven't called . I have explained to him that to keep any type of relationship alive whether it is a M or A he has to show interest or desire . I keep thinking maybe because he is younger ( he is 35 ) maybe because he is a guy he just doesn't get it ?? Maybe he doesn't really know how to be in an affair . Maybe he is trying to detach himself so he won't start to fall in love with me . He once mentioned that our A is different then an A he had before me .

He knows he doesn't have to feed me lines because all I want is a sexual relationship with him ......... of course I would have wanted more then that if he wasn't married , but he is and I understand that .

I try to look for a single man , but it is hard it isn't just about being a good lover it is a special chemistry that I don't find very easily . I have a girlfriend that can find every month someone she enjoys sex with . It took me 15 years ......... so now it is hard to let go even though it hurts as much as it feels good . Every time I meet him again , I also hope to see well maybe the passion will die , maybe it won't be so good anymore .......but it just gets better and we seem to get closer , but then he goes home and he seems to pull away .

In my mind I want to tell him you know what if you can't make me feel like you miss me or that your also thinking of me as I think of you , just never mind find someone else to have a A with , or better yet maybe you should focus on being with your wife , but when he calls I just can't bring myself to end it because I miss him so much .

When he does call I do tell him I miss him and I wish I didn't . He also says to me I miss you and I wish I didn't .......but he doesn't seem to show me when he is planning on seeing me again . He sends me mixed signals he wants me , but doesn't show it . Is this is how some men are in an A ?

He says his wife isn't interested in sex and that she never was even before the marriage . I asked him then if sex is important to him why did he marry her ? He said that he thought it was the right thing to do , that she is a good person a good mother . I hear this problem and answer from other married guys . and I don't get it ? I mean I also know guys who are great , doesn't mean I am running off to marry them . If I didn't feel a sexual chemistry with someone I couldn't be with them day in and day out . I don't see the point of being married to someone you are not really feeling happy with .

He used to talk to me more about his wife and his complaints about his marriage . But he doesn't anymore . Maybe that is my fault because when he would bring it up I would say , Geez I don't get it you are so sexy and hot and such a great lover how can she keep her hands off you ?? How can she not want to take you every moment ........... I thought I was stroking his ego by saying that , although I meant it I wasn't just trying to build his ego . Now he will no longer say much to me about her . When we talk he wants to know more about me and my life and then he says he is glad we had talked like this . And he leaves me so confused about what he wants from me because if it was just for pure sex and bedroom fun why would he want to know so much about me . When we are together he makes me feel it is more then just sex , but then he goes home and makes me feel it is only about sex .

Sorry to write so much . I am trying to be strong not to email him and to wait and see when he will contact me again . Because all that will happen is if I complain why he doesn't email or call , he will email me he is sorry will call for a moment and then weeks will go by until I again feel hurt because he hasn't called

Dusty thanks for your input and thanks to everyone who took the time to read my rambling and put there 2 cents in .

I have no one to talk to about this . I can't talk to my friends about this , they do know I see a MM but they disapprove of it and don't want to hear it when I want to vent . So thanks for being my friends and listening . It also helps a bit when I do type this stuff out it makes me feel better .

Thanks for having such a great support group . Have a great day .

xoxo ViperDiva

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-09-2003
Tue, 02-03-2004 - 11:03am
Well if you're sure you want to stay in this, you hang in there!! But its cruel for him to not contact you for weeks, believe me, BTDT. Mine ignored me for 8 weeks last fall !! And I told him, if he does that again I won't be getting together with him again. And I mean it. So he's been pretty good since then, the longest break we had in not talking was between Xmas to the 1st week of Jan.

Its totally disrespectful of him and you're letting him use you!! Look, he has to do nothing, doesn't even have to email you. And you will email him, and make yourself available when he comes to town. Its true, the sex is great, but how is your self-esteem over all of this? I don't pretend to be in a "love" relationship, its mainly sexual for us, but he does show a certain amount of respect for me. And we've been seeing each other for just more than 2 years now.

But don't fool yourself. They all say that about the wife not wanting sex (which may or may not be true). And they ask about how you are, like they are concerned about you. Which I think to a certain degree they are. But like gurlfriend said, you are not their top priority. And you deserve to be someone's top priority!! I've told him before, if I suddenly became single again, I'd start dating. Because I know I would not be happy with just seeing him once a week.

And when I think about it, I think it would be hard to find someone else whose so great at sex. But you know what? There are other fish in the sea. But you have to drop the line a few times!! Good luck and have a nice day!!
xxxx
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-21-2004
Tue, 02-03-2004 - 11:44am

viper honey, you're asking all the "what if" questions for a "normal" R, not an A.

CL-Gurlfriend50

Co-CL of My Affair Support Board

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-03-2004
Tue, 02-03-2004 - 1:43pm
I am glad your blunt . I guess I just don't understand how it is to be the other women because this is my first time . I don't know how to be in an A . But I see your point . I guess I just pictured being the other women a bit different . I didn't feel I was asking for much . Just to try to meet once a month ,get a short phone call or email once a week .....but maybe that is too much.

So is the MM the one who calls all the shots ? It is only when he feels like seeing me he can contact me

Only if he feels like to talk he will call . I understand there are no rules but was wondering how it is for others who have affairs .


Thanks so much for what you have to say , even if it is blunt . I do need to hear these things from women who have gone through this so I can know how to deal with this . Your post really helped me a lot to understand more about affairs . Thanks for your support !

xoxo ViperDiva

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-21-2004
Tue, 02-03-2004 - 2:49pm

hold up there girl -- no, i don't mean MM gets to "call the shots" all the time and you just have to sit by and wait!!

CL-Gurlfriend50

Co-CL of My Affair Support Board

Pages