new to board..but do i fit here

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-19-2004
new to board..but do i fit here
6
Thu, 03-25-2004 - 6:34pm
Hi to you all...I found this site actually on accident...boy I'm glad I did!!! How great to be able to share experiances. Let's see how quick I can condense a 30 yr.A.

Started in,(H.S. age) He was older,unhappy with 2 small kids. Always honest with me from the start. Continued with A for 7 yrs. (wife was aware and seemed ok with it at first...assuming it would pass) His life got really rocky after about the 4th yr. W new I was more than just a passing fancy. To me it did not matter..I was not M. By the 7th year I began to worry about being the cause of his M failure. So I packed up and moved far out of state(other end of the country) It was there I met my H. Tried really hard to forget MM. stayed away for about 2 years..no contact(He did not know where I had gone)

Had a family illness that took me back to town...Lo and behold here is MM. Just could not resist...went back to my home...and could not function without being in contact with MM.

Job changed..had alot of travel opportunity.. started seeing MM each and every time I came to town. This went on for 20 years. Finally had enough, had to be close to MM, and relocated entire family 3 years ago....IT HAS BEEN THE BEST THING I HAVE DONE. H and I have no real communication after 25 yrs. oldest children have grown and gone, only a couple left at home. And my life is more complete now that MM and I can see each other as often as we want... My family knows about the original A...but all assumed it was long gone..they see MM and I as best friends (which we are, with PERKS) My M is at the end, this I have known for the past 5 yrs. His M is on last leg...Anyone out there with a truly happy ending.....This is what we are looking for. There are so many others involved, that decisions are tough to make....how much living hell can come from this once we are both single...or are we better off continuing as we have until death do us part???
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-03-2004
Thu, 03-25-2004 - 7:35pm
Yup.. you're on the right board. Welcome! My A is too new to be able to answer your question, but I just wanted you to know how hopeful it makes me feel to know of such a long-term EMA. Good luck to you... I'm sure someone can relate and will respond.
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-24-2003
Thu, 03-25-2004 - 9:32pm

Hi miamine... what can I say? pull up a chair... of course you belong here hon :)


and wow!! I know this sounds silly... but I can only hope that my EMA lasts that long... I don't ask or want for anything more than he can give... I just enjoy him in my life and completing it.


I can't give you the answers you are looking for... and my normal advice would be to take things slow... take time out... and then get to know one another... but after 30 years... I would imagine... affair or not... you two must know each other pretty well.

Sweet
Co-Community Leader My

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2004
Fri, 03-26-2004 - 4:45pm
Hi.. your story and mine are similar. I dated a boy in high school for a few short months , he left for someone else (took her to homecoming, remember all those emotions??) Anyway, he came back a few times after high school and tried to tell me how he felt but i was with someone else and did end up marry someone else. So did he. We reconnected at 28 years.. (classmates.com) I always wondered what happened to him... it seems he never forgot me nor the fact that he let me get away.This man evokes more emotion and passion in me then anyone ever has. Both marriages are still intack, but not fulfilling, he however has a very sick child and will not leave. We live on opposite coasts, have seen each other only once. There is very little possibility we will ever be together full time. We talk daily, he is the one i should have been with all this time and i know he feels that way too.

I guess my point is this.. if all you can have is to be close and be friends with benefits, well then thats all you can have. But if there is anyway at all you can find a way to be with this man fulltime..DO IT! Youve made some big moves so far it seems, is he willing to also?

I am an old member of this board... havent posted in probably 2 years, but your message sort of shouted out to me.

By the way, I am an old member of this board because i have been having an affair for 4 years with a wonderful older man who will never leave his wife. That relationship may someday become an reality, and i love him dearly, but i will have several hard tough decisions to make if we ever end up together, mainly giving up my old love from high school... crazy life huh??
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-19-2004
Sat, 03-27-2004 - 12:04am
Hi LB65... thanks for your response. as you stated, we also talk daily, and we know we probably should have let things take it's course many years ago. But such is life...when I left, I did not want to be the reason MM relationship with W ended...did not want his kids to hate him or I. Now his kids are grown and gone...most of mine are also..3 left at home, 3 graduated and oldest married. we have talked and talked about what the future holds for both of us, and are now at decision making points in our lives. I guess our biggest fears are that our children will not be able to understand the relationship we have had for the past 30 yrs. Neither of us would ever do anything to alianate our children..but in the same respect WE must continue to have a life of our own , as individuals. He is as willing as I to make the big move, but it must be done in a manner to avoid as much hurt as possible for our children. Our spouses are adults, and are more than aware of the difficulties in our own personal relationships. It boils down to being happy and content with the remainder of our lives. MM's children are aware of the difficulties in their parents relationships, as mine are also. But I guess the big question is... if MM leaves w.. and I leave H... how will each set of children view the 2 of us as a couple? MM's kids are not aware of the A. My kids are aware of the original A.

Plus now we both have grandkids.... His grandson and one of my younger daughters go to school together.....That's what we worry about ...the effect it will take on the people we love the most. therefore we continue to talk daily and see each other once or twice a week... and try to determine whether we are just totally selfish in our own needs and wants verses what we should or should not do to the others closely involved in our lives.

I guess i was hoping that someone out there had already experianced what we are on the verge of doing...and if it will ruin our lives as well as all the others that are involved. when MM and I are together, we talk about it all.. being happy ,truely content in our lives with one another, or sacrificing our own personal needs for the sake of all the other involved. I really hoped to find more response.. but I guess this is not your typical A. MM and I laugh alot about the whole ordeal, but so very much want to be together is we can find the right way. Even talked about writing a book.....Make enough money and everyone would be happy.....(lol) again..Thanks
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-14-2004
Sat, 03-27-2004 - 12:44am
Mia, I think that 30 years of martyrdom is enough...

Who do you want to spend the rest of your life with? Your H or your OM?

I think your kids are old enough to understand that you want to be happy the rest of your life, not just existing.

I'd want to spend my "golden" years with someone I love and WANT to be with, and I think that your kids are old enough to understand.

~Laurie~

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-19-2004
Sat, 03-27-2004 - 8:13am
Good Morning....and you are right...all of the kids involved are certainly old enough to understand that people change...and that not all things are meant to be forever. I would have left my H 5 yrs ago, but my youngest was just a baby. H is a good person and Father. but we are no longer on the same wave AT all, about anything other than the kids.I'm in process of getting my ducks lined up, so to speak. MM has to make his decisions based on what he wants for the rest of his life as well. MM knows I'm in process of ending my M. And he also knows that I will be here for him when he makes his decisions. Just really looking for imput from others that have already been where I'm heading and to see how things progressed for them. And if there were any regrets once they made those changes in their lives.