new to the board...need advice
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| Mon, 04-12-2004 - 4:43pm |
A little background first..I'm 33 years old, and have been happily married for 8 years. I'm a stay-at-home mom, which has been boring lately since both of my children are now school-age. I've told my husband I would like to go back into the workforce (I was very successful before having kids). However, he makes a very good living and says he would rather have me at home since we don't need the money.
In searching for things to do during the day, I joined a health club last fall and started going every morning. This is how this whole mess got started! Back in January, I noticed this very attractive young man (the Other Man) who was always at the club when I was. He stuck out even more because it was mostly mothers and elderly people working out that time of the day. We would sometimes make eye contact when walking by each other, but we never said a word. Kinda funny, at one point I thought he may have been gay!
Finally, in early Feb., I was trying out this new machine and had no idea how to use it. The OM came over and asked if I needed help. He helped me set it up and I thanked him. We actually started talking- I don’t even remember about what. I asked him what he did for a living. Get this- he said he was a part-time firefighter and a part-time private chef! I actually laughed when he said that because I thought he was joking. When he said he wasn’t, I told him he’s the fantasy of every woman around!!
Over the next two weeks, we would talk every day at the gym. I was always asking him for cooking advice for my family. He was very easy to talk to, and of course very attractive and in great shape. We never exchanged our ages, but one day I was curious and asked him. Turns out he is 27, 6 yrs younger than me. I reluctantly admitted to him my real age. He said I looked like I was 28, which was flattering.
Well our talks at the gym soon became going out to lunch together after working out. We talked about everything- our families, our friends, where we grew up, our hobbies. He was an amazing listener. We went out to lunch at a different restaurant every day for a week. It was totally harmless though- we flirted a little bit, but nothing extreme. So one day, OM invites me to his apartment after working out for lunch. I was very tempted because I wanted to try his expert cooking, but I felt weird about it. I was a married mom and he was 6 years younger. The great part was that OM never pressured me. I told him no that day, but I finally relented and said yes a few days later.
We went to his apt and had a great time. Amazing food, wonderful conversation. I found myself very physically attracted to him, and his great personality won me over even more. We would still flirt every now and then, and he would always tell me my husband was a very lucky man. It was all very innocent though. Well guess what, OM and I started having lunch at his apt every day after we worked out. I absolutely loved my time with him, and looked forward to it every day.
Our feelings started to get more intense. Our flirting got heavier, and I was getting more and more attracted to him. One day we had just finished lunch and we were sitting on his sofa. I don’t know how it happened, but we had this intense eye contact and we were kissing before I knew it. We kissed for about 30 min, but did nothing else- he was a total gentleman, and a wonderful kisser! That was on a Friday. I couldn’t stop thinking about him that entire weekend, and couldn’t wait for Monday.
Monday came, and OM again invited me back to his apt. I admitted to him I thought about the kiss all weekend- he said he did the same. This time, we got to his apt, and the kissing didn’t stop. To be honest, I was actually the more aggressive one! We ended up in his bedroom, and had amazing sex. He took his time and was so caring- I was loving every second. For the next two weeks, we would always go back to his apt after the gym. The sex was still unbelieveable- so passionate and intense. He made me feel so beautiful. Sex with my H was still good, but a little routine. Sex with OM was always wild.
Then I started to have strong feelings of guilt. I had a wonderful husband who treated me like a princess, and two adorable kids. My home life was happy. I wondered to myself why I was having an affair. I always thought affairs were only for unhappy couples. That Monday, I saw OM at the gym and told him it had to end. He seemed sad but understood my situation. The next few weeks, I just avoided the gym because I didn’t want to see him.
But here’s the problem. I couldn’t get him out of my mind. I thought about him all day. I cried when I woke up in the morning. I fantasized about him whenever having sex with my H. And it wasn’t just the sex that I missed- I missed the emotional connection we had. I always loved just lying in his arms after having sex and talking about our lives. I was miserable for weeks. I tried to keep the self-control over seeing him.
It all broke down one night. My kids were at a sleepover, and my H was out of town on a business trip. I needed to see OM. But we never shared phone #’s so I had no way to reach him. I decided to be bold and drove to his apt at 1 am. I hadn’t seen him in almost a month, but his smile was so wide when he answered that door and saw me. We talked about how much we missed each other. The sex that night was the best we’d ever had. I actually spent the night at his apt. Since then, we’ve still been seeing each other, though not as often. He is working more hours now, so we only get to see each other about once a week.
Here is the problem. I don’t want to ruin my marriage and family. But I have such a strong bond with OM. Like I said, it isn’t just sexual. Am I in love with him? Maybe. Or maybe it’s just the fantasy of it. Or the excitement. I really don’t know. I know the right thing to do is to end it, but I’m in heaven whenever I’m with him, and don’t want to lose that feeling. What do you think? I appreciate any advice.

I know what you're going through. I've been happily married to my H for 11 years and my A just hit me out of the blue. Like you, I think all the time that it's wrong and that the right thing to do is to end it. But when I'm with my MM, I can think of nothing but how much I love being with him and how right it feels.
I think you have to ask yourself if there's room in your life for two wonderful men and if there's room in your heart to love both of them. I'm lucky in the fact that my OM is married and neither one of us will leave our spouses for the other. That helps keep things in check. But with your OM being single, he may end up wanting more than you can give. Have you talked with him about expectations and limitations? If not, you probably should, and soon!
The thing I keep reminding myself is that my MM and I only show each other the best of ourselves. If we were married or in a "real" relationship, there would be problems and issues and we wouldn't be walking in the clouds forever.
If you do decide to end your A, I would strongly suggest that you talk seriously to your H about getting a job (even if it's just part-time or volunteer). You might think about doing that even if you don't end your A. Sounds like you need something to fill up all those hours and feel useful and fulfilled.
Best of luck to you! ((((hugs))))
Jess
I guess I should ask OM where he wants this to go. He's never mentioned me leaving my family, and I never would. But I don't want to lose him either. It's been 5 days since I've seen him and I'm hating it. I won't see him until Thursday afternoon so I will try to ask him then.