New, confused, and all that jazz

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-16-2004
New, confused, and all that jazz
5
Fri, 01-16-2004 - 4:52pm
Hello,

I'm brand new. In fact, I was one of those girls who hated the thought of EMA's, who scoffed at the very idea, who was filled with utter disgust at the concept. Ha. Hmmm...well, now I'm here, and I am a hypocrit. For sure.

Here is the story, totally edited, and abridged, otherwise it would go on for pages, and being new, I wouldn't like to presume too much understanding.

OK, start with 2 very married couples, very close friends. Time - about 8 weeks ago. Place - a party, after everyone but the 2 couples have left at one of the couples homes (mine). Stupid drunk idea? - OH! Lets play truth or dare (I must assure you, we ARE all in our mid/late 20's, NOT 15 as the game may suggest). What happens, both couples end up making out with the others partner. Not a big deal, all good friends, all kinda bored with relationships, life.

Here is where the big BUT starts....so my H and my best friends H have always joked about swinging or switching, which used to really piss me off. But it was a JOKE. I, the woman that is almost drowning in love for her H, would never credit such an idea.

Well, after the "childish incident" it got messy. We all hang out and talk alot over email, in person. My B/F encourages me to spend time with her H as he and I have so much in common, like to do the same things, get along like peas and carrots. Now I know their marraige isn't good on either side right now, she is bored, feels she settled down too young, wants experience (he is her 'first'), she hasn't been 'in love' with him for awhile, though she loves him. She herself tells me this, being my BF and all. I love my H, but we have a very stormy marriage. Polar Opposites, but we trundle along allright together for all that.

Well now, MM (I think thats what you girls call the "he" in these relationships?) and I have been talking more, have a HUGE attraction to each other, are so alike, want the same things, want each other so bad, in a physical sense. Not too bad, I/we can control that, but it's been getting emotional. We have been emailing everyday, long beautiful letters full of all the things we feel. He has stopped by a few times when I have been home alone to "drop stuff off" and we ended up kissing each time all the while saying we shouldn't do this.....It's a mess, I'm so confused. Neither of us knows what to think. The feelings/emotions, whatever are so strong, almost overpowering. My H and my BF are similarity attracted to each other, minus the emotion. They just want to have sex, which is something I would never never even consider, until now. MM and I are almost wanting to encourage our 'others' to hook up so that we can too. How twisted is that. Trust me, I know this situation is ridiculous, like something out of a bad bad movie but....

Questions, do you think this is simply an infatuation? That feelings this strong can't really pop up so fast, that this will fade away? Perhaps it is just the excitement of 'new' people after 7 years of being with the same person? And is it really 'cheating'? I guess it must be, if we are meeting, being somewhat physical when our SO's don't know....

Sorry this got so long. It's hard to keep it short, there is so much more to the story but I don't want to overstep my welcome or bore you to tears. I'm just in the messed up, weird, situation and have no one to talk to about it except MM and both of us are unsure what to think...

Thank you for replying, I need all the thoughts I can get.

A completely befuddled East coast girl. AKA, Ali

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-31-2003
Fri, 01-16-2004 - 7:00pm
Wow Sliante, or Ali,

This is a bit of a different twist to what I think most are accustomed to posting here...your situation seems to be very mutual among all parties involved! There really is no deceit, which is a good thing considering the whole picture.

You obviously feel guilty about having emotions instead of just physical attraction to your Best FRiend's H.

Well here is something twisted too...I have much respect for you, your H and your friends for being open and openly offering others the opportunity to do what you desire, instead of trying to horde it all for yourselves. But please please please keep in mind that these sort of arrangements (especillay where all those involved know each other) USUALLY end in contempt, and that is a fact. I guess jealousy can't help but to rear up somewhere, and things are already getting complicated and confusing.

Wow, what a conundrum for you. You all are still young. If everyone involved could have the same view on doing this just for fun and variety, it would not be so much of a problem. But you sound as if you know that is highly unlikely, as you are already feeling guilt, which should tell you something right there. You are really stuck at a rock in a hard place. From your point of view, to stop now may seem awkward and disappointing (especially with your friend encouraging you to be with her H whom you are attracted to). To continue has the potential of being disastrous. It sounds like you already know the right thing to do...but you also already know it will be hard since the wheels are already turning in a certain direction. Sorry this is so cryptic sounding. In addition to this board, know that there are other resources that may help you in this situation, as well as bonafide experts. Check some of that out too.

Pen

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-28-2003
Fri, 01-16-2004 - 8:00pm
HI Sliante

It seems that you and the other three need to sit down together sober and talk it out, get it all out into the open no secrets, my be both couples my want to try the open M idea.

I think getting it out in the open among you four will help avoid a lot of pain for every one involved, and allow you to release the ideas, it could be that you hubby may go for it he would not be the first.

FREE

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-16-2004
Sat, 01-17-2004 - 2:22am
Thanks girls, I appreciate the comments. I suppose talking it out would be a good idea, it's just tough as MM and I are feeling so much more than my H and BF are. They seem to be simply intrigued with the idea of being physical with another person, where as MM and I, well it's getting very emotional. And I know that neither my H or BF would be at all happy if they knew. Or if they knew we were meeting when we shouldn't be, or if they knew that we had been physical behind their backs. Yes, I feel guilty, but as MM said, it's hard to let guilt or logic rule when your heart is so involved....sigh. I guess I'm scared to talk to our partners as I'm afraid that if they knew how much he and I wanted to spend time together, they would both be jealous and upset and it would ruin the friendships and relationships we have. He went on a mini holiday with his W this weekend, and I'm actually really missing him and afraid that he will come back and not want to be as close to me.....how stupid is that? I HAVE a great Husband. Why do I feel this intense connection, and desire, for my BF's? I'm not sure if the open marriage idea would work as I don't think it's as important to our partners to be with the other person.....

Anyways, thank you for your thoughts. I guess I will have to just either A) talk to him about talking about it, or B) see what happens (the easy, coward's way). Is it OK if I post here with questions or advice if things progress? I know this is a bit different than what most on this board are experiencing but....I'm not sure where else to go. Sigh.

Thank you!!

Ali

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-31-2003
Sat, 01-17-2004 - 7:33am
Hi Ali,

Yes, keep posting. You have a good head on your shoulders and you realize the complications of what is going on. Yes, you need to talk about it to MM, and then if you two agree that the situation the four of you are in is not healthy in the long run, you need to have a discussion with your respective parthers to end the current situations before anyone gets hurt, or hurt worse. You said it yourself, you have a good H and you and you and your best friend seem to have a good relationship. That is a lot to potentially loose, not to mention your self respect, which in your case, seems like it would be at stake if things continue on their current path. Like I said before, in addition to posting to this board, try others on ivillage as well. The more advice you get, the better because you have a wealth of things to choose from to see what is best for you. You can read all the advice, from those who may encourage the current course of your situation, and those who advise you to change it. After seeing what people have said, you can deem what is the best advice for you. While getting contrasting advice may be confusing, I've found that sometimes contrasts make it all the more apparent what the right decison is. It sounds like you already know, but you can get more supporting info from others whose advice makes sense to you.

Check out the following ivillage sites to see if they are suitable for you:

http://messageboards.ivillage.com/iv-rlrelationsh

http://messageboards.ivillage.com/iv-rlcouplescou

http://messageboards.ivillage.com/iv-rbrelation

Here is a site that may help you change the course you are currently on if you are interested:

http://www.ivillage.com/relationships/experts/experts_by_month/articles/0,,166973_14018,00.html

Oh, and don't forget to ask the ivillage official EXPERT on relationship issues, she has scheduled chats you may want to look into:

http://www.brendashoshanna.com/

I hope this gives you some help. Let us know how it goes.

Pen



iVillage Member
Registered: 01-16-2004
Sun, 01-18-2004 - 1:03pm
Thank you so much for the links! I've been reading the posts/article. He is coming home today and we are all going out on Tuesday night to a concert. I think I will talk to him either then, or before via email about what he is thinking/feeling. Heck, maybe he will have had a fantastic weekend away with his W and all will be moot anyways....I don't know if I wish for that or dread it.

Thank you for your support and advice, you girls are wonderful and I have alot of respect for you all.

A