New, Confused, and Need to Talk

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-12-2004
New, Confused, and Need to Talk
5
Fri, 03-12-2004 - 7:03pm
Hello, New to this message board chatting. In a e-relationship with an old flame who lives in another country. We chat almost daily. I think about him constantly and am toying with the idea of meeting up with him in the next few months. I am married, he is divorced. I love my husband - we have been married 20 years - but it has turned into a platonic relationship. Just looking for others to talk to this about; who can offer support and to whom I can give advice/support.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Fri, 03-12-2004 - 7:15pm
If you love your husband, you owe it to him not to get involved with this guy.

Try to capture the excitment that you had with your husband when you first met.

How would you feel if your husband did the same thing with another woman?

Married people do fall in love with others, but most don't act on it.

I have known the temptation, but figured that it would create lots of problems in a long run if I had acted on it.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-12-2004
Fri, 03-12-2004 - 8:24pm
I need to give you more information...I have been involved already with this man. Also, I've had affairs before in this marriage. I know, I should have left long ago...my weakness and fear stopped me. Anyway, this man, S, was "the one who got away," and now that he is back in my life, I can't bear to lose him. As far as recapturing the excitement I first had with my H, well, it was weak to begin with and only ehanced by drugs and alcohol - neither of which I do anymore and he does only little. We are really good friends who have a child together and are also taking care of my terminally ill mother who lives with us. My H is a great guy...but he doesn't give me what I get with S! I know that the attraction I feel with S is largely due to the fact that I am trapped at home,caring for my Mom 24/7. I haven't been able to work in months and know that if I had some other outlet, S wouldn't be so important. However, I do want to consummate our e-affair - he does too. I just don't know how I could do it and not hurt my H. Not to mention the risk of losing my daughter over S, who isn't interested in a commitment.

Whew!!
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-03-2004
Fri, 03-12-2004 - 10:42pm
Dear Cricket.. welcome! I can't figure out if you really love H, or if he's just convenient. I don't mean that to sound cruel, because I understand how it can happen either way. I just mean that maybe you need to figure that out. Are you looking for some quick sex with S? Is that part of the attraction? I know you said he's the 'one that got away,' and I completely understand the added attraction of that kind of situation... but already he doesn't want the commitment of your DD? What does that mean long term? Now mind you.... if you guys are all on the same page and aren't looking for more than just a sexual relationship, and if it fulfils something you are both missing, and if it makes you happy and doesn't put you at risk, then it may really be something you want to consider. I'm only bringing these things up because in the blush of considering a first meet, it is sometimes hard to think logically and about the long term. Best advice is to really think it through and decide what's best for you. Good luck, Cricket. We're here for you whatever you decide.
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-15-2003
Sat, 03-13-2004 - 12:37am
cricket, you sound confused here about what it is you really want with S, and I think you're only in for heartache if you follow through with your wishes to reconsumate your relationship.

You say you've had affairs before during your marriage and yet now you're concerned about hurting you're husband and losing you're DD. Why? What's different this time that your husband would necessarily find out about it when he obviously hasn't found about any of the others?

So, it sounds to me like you're looking for a some kind of substantial relationship with this guy when you say things like: "the one who got away" and "I can't bear to lose him". In your heart you're hoping that this time he won't "get away" and yet you say he isn't interested in any sort of committed relationship with you. What's wrong with that picture? Deep down, even if you haven't admitted it to yourself, you're looking for something, a future, that he isn't and you'll be the one who ends up with a broken heart. Are you prepared for that?

And yet you also say that you know your attraction to S is largely because you're trapped at home caring for your mother and that if you had another outlet, S wouldn't be as important to you as he is? So which is it? Is he merely someone relieving you from boredom, or is he "the one you don't want to let get away again".

I think you also said in your first post that you and S are now in different countries. Right? How do you plan on reconnecting in person? Is he the one who's going to travel to meet with you? Or are you hoping for someway to travel to him? If he isn't the one talking about making travel plans for himself, then he isn't really interested in reconsumating your relationship - he'll only do so if you turn up on his doorstep and offer it to him on a platter. What does that tell you?

I think you need to think long and hard about what it really is you want in your life before you pursue this relationship any further.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-12-2004
Sat, 03-13-2004 - 9:36am
Thank Ssister...I think I'm at the point now where if I could figure out how we could meet and have sex and still be friends, I would. My greatest concern is how do I handle having sex with a friend and not letting my emotions get in the way. I wish I was more like a man! I know thats all he wants - to be friends who have sex once in awhile. The problem is that he lives in one country and I live in another, so all we can do now is chat and fantasize about getting together. We have recently discussed meeing up somewhere here in the US in a few months (after my Mom dies).